I thought I was cured... What a joke!

[crayzKirk]

Hi,

I chose to start drinking again because I thought I was cured. I started
smoking weed again about seven years ago because my girlfriend wanted to
play around with it and have some fun. I told her of my alcoholism and was
unsure (I was very sure what would happen) that I should do it. Things
started falling apart soon after that when she wanted me to start buying it.
This got me back into the old playgrounds and playmates I had left behind
seven years prior. Somehow, I "forgot" that my sobriety was the most
important thing and without it, I was worthless to myself and everyone
around me. She decided to quit and I didn't want to at that point. It was
just in the "fun" stage. She had moved in with me and things started
getting worse and worse. We quit communicating and I decided that since
weed wasn't a big deal, then a few beers wouldn't hurt either. Pretty soon,
I was looking forward to her being gone so I could drink. During the time I
was sober, I was positive and looked forward to each day. As I got back
into drinking/drugs, I found it almost impossible to live without it. I was
worried about what everyone thought and lost all confidence in my ability to
do anything. She moved out two years ago and we have been moving further
and further apart. I have felt like a total failure and continued to use
more and more alcohol to avoid the feelings. The company I worked for was
sold and shut down six months ago and I have not been able to find any work.
The drinking has become more solitary and I am retreating from life. As
expected, my relationship with her is pretty much done and she will not
forgive the problems that I've caused. I am a black hole that is sucking
her in. Yeah, maybe.

My problem is that the AA groups in my area are full of chain smokers. I
managed to quit smoking twelve years ago and have not gone back to it. The
other negative that I have with the groups is that they are dominated by the
same personalities that were in the bars. Whenever I try to share my
feelings or what I'm going through, they just cut me off and say: just keep
coming back, it will get better. If I have to hear how they screwed up
their lives by drinking, I think I will be sick. It is as if they are so
important that everyone must hear their sad sack story.

Just like you people here having to read my "unique" garbage... Actually, I
never have done many things to other people, I am my own worst enemy. How
many more of you out there drink so you won't feel worthless or unloved?
All of us?

The scariest part is that I don't remember how I got along without drinking.
I do remember that I never thought of it and now it occupies my waking
thoughts.

Hey, it feels better to have a group that won't interrupt me and doesn't
judge. And No, alcohol isn't the problem, I am the problem. I have never
tried to blame anyone for my choices and the outcome (which I already knew
would end in sadness for those around me and myself).

Down, Depressed, Lonely and Scared (not drunk or stoned)

CK

[Robert McGregor]

"crayzKirk" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
news:oc_Ob.75642$VV4.53561@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> Hi,
>
> I chose to start drinking again because I thought I was cured.

Then

>(I was very sure what would happen) >

Then

> Down, Depressed, Lonely and Scared (not drunk or stoned)


Want a ((((((((( ))))))))))) seat belt for your pity pot, or are you
willing to step out of your own shit, and recover?

http://silkworth.net/bb/howitworks.html

Bob

[crayzKirk]

Well, it wasn't intended as a pity party. Not expecting to get much of that
here anyway. Yeah I know, poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!

I just needed to write down what I've done so I can look at it. Feels
better and I'm not going to dwell on it. No one to blame but myself. Don't
want pity anyway.

If I weren't down, depressed and scared, then I would be worried about
myself. It took real work to get sober and will take it again. There is no
easy way to recovery and I can never escape from myself. One day, hour,
minute, second at a time if necessary. It has to be for me, not the hope of
getting her back or any other reason.

Kirk

"Robert McGregor" <robert_mcgregor@yahoo.com.au> wrote in message
news:buhtnh$hu8q4$1@ID-49289.news.uni-berlin.de...
>
> "crayzKirk" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> news:oc_Ob.75642$VV4.53561@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > Hi,
> >
> > I chose to start drinking again because I thought I was cured.
>
> Then
>
> >(I was very sure what would happen) >
>
> Then
>
> > Down, Depressed, Lonely and Scared (not drunk or stoned)
>
>
> Want a ((((((((( ))))))))))) seat belt for your pity pot, or are you
> willing to step out of your own shit, and recover?
>
> http://silkworth.net/bb/howitworks.html
>
> Bob
>
>

[Robert McGregor]

"crayzKirk" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
news:Sm%Ob.42972$LW.40299@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> Well, it wasn't intended as a pity party. Not expecting to get much of
that
> here anyway. Yeah I know, poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!
>
> I just needed to write down what I've done so I can look at it. Feels
> better and I'm not going to dwell on it. No one to blame but myself.
Don't
> want pity anyway.
>
> If I weren't down, depressed and scared, then I would be worried about
> myself. It took real work to get sober and will take it again. There is
no
> easy way to recovery and I can never escape from myself. One day, hour,
> minute, second at a time if necessary. It has to be for me, not the hope
of
> getting her back or any other reason.
>
> Kirk
>
> "Robert McGregor" <robert_mcgregor@yahoo.com.au> wrote in message
> news:buhtnh$hu8q4$1@ID-49289.news.uni-berlin.de...
> >
> > "crayzKirk" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> > news:oc_Ob.75642$VV4.53561@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > > Hi,
> > >
> > > I chose to start drinking again because I thought I was cured.
> >
> > Then
> >
> > >(I was very sure what would happen) >
> >
> > Then
> >
> > > Down, Depressed, Lonely and Scared (not drunk or stoned)
> >
> >
> > Want a ((((((((( ))))))))))) seat belt for your pity pot, or are you
> > willing to step out of your own shit, and recover?
> >
> > http://silkworth.net/bb/howitworks.html
> >
> > Bob
> >

Is it possible a different approach this time could produce a more enduring
result? Did you take a fresh look at that link?
http://silkworth.net/bb/howitworks.html

The reason I ask is that in my observation, most "meeting makers" *don't*
make it, while almost invariably blaming their "relapse/s" on missing a few
meetings.

Bob

[-rosie-]

> If I weren't down, depressed and scared, then I would be worried
about
> myself. It took real work to get sober and will take it again.
There is no
> easy way to recovery and I can never escape from myself. One day,
hour,
> minute, second at a time if necessary. It has to be for me, not
the hope of
> getting her back or any other reason.
>
> Kirk

you know what you have to do kirk.............................stay
close, read and post, and get back into your recovery program.

((((((((((((((((kirk))))))))))))))))))))

[Moonraker]

" -rosie-" <readandpostTAKETHISOUT@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:NQ%Ob.42976$LW.38930@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> you know what you have to do kirk.............................stay
> close, read and post, and get back into your recovery program.
>
> ((((((((((((((((kirk))))))))))))))))))))
>
>
What in hell does "read and post" have to do with staying sober?

More god-damned ignorant smarm from the grim
reaper..........................

[The Other Harry]

[On Mon, 19 Jan 2004 18:00:51 -0600, "crayzKirk"
<kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote:]

> Hi,
>
> I chose to start drinking again because I thought I was cured...

One thing that strikes me about your message is that express
yourself very well. I don'r know quite what that has to do
with the price of tea in China, but maybe something.
>
> My problem is that the AA groups in my area are full of chain smokers. I
> managed to quit smoking twelve years ago and have not gone back to it. The
> other negative that I have with the groups is that they are dominated by the
> same personalities that were in the bars. Whenever I try to share my
> feelings or what I'm going through, they just cut me off and say: just keep
> coming back, it will get better. If I have to hear how they screwed up
> their lives by drinking, I think I will be sick. It is as if they are so
> important that everyone must hear their sad sack story.

I don't know where you live, but I'm not quite ready to
believe that these characteristics apply to *all* of the AA
groups and other programs in your neck of the woods. Maybe
so, but at first blush that sounds like it might be an excuse.

I live in Virginia, and a high percentage of the people at the
AA meetings are smokers. But they don't smoke during the
meetings. Nor do they interrupt or give personal feedback --
not at the meetings, anyway.

I have stopped going to AA meetings myself for two reasons:
1) I don't enjoy them; and 2) I refuse to go when I've been
drinking -- and I have been drinking again.

I regard both of those "reasons" as bullshit excuses for me to
continue drinking. The meetings don't take that long, and
plenty of people have gone in with a BA level over .00.

As I have said in earlier messages, the function the meetings
served for me was to give me a daily target to shoot at. I
didn't enjoy them but they were tangible. That was something.

> Just like you people here having to read my "unique" garbage... Actually, I
> never have done many things to other people, I am my own worst enemy. How
> many more of you out there drink so you won't feel worthless or unloved?
> All of us?

Me, I'd say.

I don't drink as a social thing anymore. I drink by myself.
I have learned that it is safer that way. Doesn't mean it's
smart, but it is safer.

This is one reason why I think my shrink wants me out of the
house. I will not drink unless I am at home or in an
equivalent.

> The scariest part is that I don't remember how I got along without drinking.
> I do remember that I never thought of it and now it occupies my waking
> thoughts.

It's on the mind.

> Hey, it feels better to have a group that won't interrupt me and doesn't
> judge.

Some people who post here will judge. I think that can be
helpful.

> And No, alcohol isn't the problem, I am the problem. I have never
> tried to blame anyone for my choices and the outcome (which I already knew
> would end in sadness for those around me and myself).
>
> Down, Depressed, Lonely and Scared (not drunk or stoned)

I know about this.

Take care, Kirk.

Time to watch Third Watch... (I already missed the first few
minutes.)

[crayzKirk]

It means doing something, anything, different than what I'm doing. If my
normal action would be to have a drink when down and I come here, read a few
messages and post something instead, then I am making a different choice and
a new way to deal with it.

If what you are doing isn't working, try something else.

My biggest problem is pride. I feel like I don't need to do everything to
get better. I did the personal inventory and told most family and friends
when I had wronged them and forgave them for their misdeeds. I held onto
somethings that I wasn't ready to let go of. I quit asking for help in the
mornings and giving thanks in the evening. I lost faith in my higher power
and decided I didn't need it anymore. I started keeping score in my
relationships.

Pride cometh before the fall! Things have probably changed a bit in the
fifteen years since I went to a meeting. That's the problem with excuses,
they don't stand up to examination very well. Write 'em down and look at
them and they are pretty weak.

Thanks to all <even moonraker>.

Kirk

One day at a time is my motto. Can't worry about what I've done or should
have done in the past or think too far into the future. Never thinking got
me in trouble. Too much pressure in always and never.
"Moonraker" <notnow@noway.nev> wrote in message
news:EB0Pb.11077$%86.1778@bignews4.bellsouth.net.. .
>
> " -rosie-" <readandpostTAKETHISOUT@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:NQ%Ob.42976$LW.38930@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > you know what you have to do kirk.............................stay
> > close, read and post, and get back into your recovery program.
> >
> > ((((((((((((((((kirk))))))))))))))))))))
> >
> >
> What in hell does "read and post" have to do with staying sober?
>
> More god-damned ignorant smarm from the grim
> reaper..........................
>
>

[Blue Moon]

On Tue, 20 Jan 2004 01:19:46 GMT, "crayzKirk"
<kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote:

>If I weren't down, depressed and scared, then I would be worried about
>myself. It took real work to get sober and will take it again. There is no
>easy way to recovery and I can never escape from myself. One day, hour,
>minute, second at a time if necessary. It has to be for me, not the hope of
>getting her back or any other reason.

No there's no easy way to recovery, but there is a simple way. It's
almost elusively simple. Sounds like your head is going through the
rationalisations of why/how meetings won't help. I was willing to go
to meetings even when I didn't want to, and work the Steps even when I
didn't want to. If you don't have that willingness, I'm unsure what
your options are.

--
Blue Moon

[crayzKirk]

"Blue Moon" <mfoco@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:e6942837c63fba3643c33e81b274cba3@news.teranew s.com...
> On Tue, 20 Jan 2004 01:19:46 GMT, "crayzKirk"
> <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote:
>
> >If I weren't down, depressed and scared, then I would be worried about
> >myself. It took real work to get sober and will take it again. There is
no
> >easy way to recovery and I can never escape from myself. One day, hour,
> >minute, second at a time if necessary. It has to be for me, not the hope
of
> >getting her back or any other reason.
>
> No there's no easy way to recovery, but there is a simple way. It's
> almost elusively simple. Sounds like your head is going through the
> rationalisations of why/how meetings won't help. I was willing to go
> to meetings even when I didn't want to, and work the Steps even when I
> didn't want to. If you don't have that willingness, I'm unsure what
> your options are.
>

That's why it helps me to put them down in text. They don't stand up well
to examination. Like lots of ugly things, they don't like being exposed to
direct sunlight. That was fifteen years ago.

Kirk S
> --
> Blue Moon