Robert McGregor
11-23-2003, 08:07 PM
AUSTRALIANS: Hand picked by the finest judges in England.
What do you call an Australian in a suit? The defendant.
THERE'S a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter
speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
WHY are all the sheep moving from Australia to New Zealand? They'd
rather be eaten than made love to.
HOW do you get an Aussie on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the
house.
WHY do Aussies put XXXX on cans of lager? Because they can't spell
beer.
WHY aren't Australian girls good cattle herders? Because they can't
even keep two calves together!
HOW many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? TEN. One
to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
WHAT'S the definition of a virgin? Any Aussie girl who can run faster
than her brothers.
WHAT do you call an Australian girl with two brain cells? Pregnant.
WHAT should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin
out and throw it back.
WHAT'S the difference between yoghurt and Australia? Yoghurt has a
real live culture.
WHAT did the Australian girl's right leg say to the left leg? Nothing.
They've never met.
NEWSFLASH: An Australian's library burned down at the weekend and two
books were destroyed.
WHAT'S the difference between a pig and an Australian? Pigs don't turn
into Aussies when they drink.
AN Australian pilot was asked for his height and position and he said:
"5ft 11in and sitting on the front seat."
WHAT'S the only exercise Australian men get? Sucking in their stomachs
when a bikini walks by.
WHY do Australian men prefer blondes? Because they like the
intellectual company.
WHAT'S the difference between an Australian and a computer? You only
have to punch information into a computer once.
WHAT do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test? A cheat.
IF Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and
you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first? The
blonde - the other two don't exist.
DID you hear about the Australian shoplifter? He was crushed beneath
the local.
AN Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political
parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.
WHAT do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? Woolly Jumpers!!
AN Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been
playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs,
arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt." The doctor replied:
"You've broken your finger."
WHAT do Australian fans and sperm have in common? One in three million
has a chance of becoming a human being.
A MAN has an interview for immigration into Australia. The interviewer
says to him: "Do you have a police record?" "What?" replies the man.
"Do you still need one to get in?"
WHAT'S Australian for foreplay? When the man says: "Wake up, Sheila."
HOW do you describe a well- balanced Australian? One with a chip on
both shoulders.
WHY do women like making love to Greg Norman, the Australian
golfer? Because he always finishes second.
WHAT do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? Bloody big
holes all over Australia.
WHAT'S the worst thing about Oz? It's above sea level.
What do you call an Australian in a suit? The defendant.
THERE'S a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter
speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
WHY are all the sheep moving from Australia to New Zealand? They'd
rather be eaten than made love to.
HOW do you get an Aussie on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the
house.
WHY do Aussies put XXXX on cans of lager? Because they can't spell
beer.
WHY aren't Australian girls good cattle herders? Because they can't
even keep two calves together!
HOW many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? TEN. One
to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
WHAT'S the definition of a virgin? Any Aussie girl who can run faster
than her brothers.
WHAT do you call an Australian girl with two brain cells? Pregnant.
WHAT should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin
out and throw it back.
WHAT'S the difference between yoghurt and Australia? Yoghurt has a
real live culture.
WHAT did the Australian girl's right leg say to the left leg? Nothing.
They've never met.
NEWSFLASH: An Australian's library burned down at the weekend and two
books were destroyed.
WHAT'S the difference between a pig and an Australian? Pigs don't turn
into Aussies when they drink.
AN Australian pilot was asked for his height and position and he said:
"5ft 11in and sitting on the front seat."
WHAT'S the only exercise Australian men get? Sucking in their stomachs
when a bikini walks by.
WHY do Australian men prefer blondes? Because they like the
intellectual company.
WHAT'S the difference between an Australian and a computer? You only
have to punch information into a computer once.
WHAT do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test? A cheat.
IF Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and
you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first? The
blonde - the other two don't exist.
DID you hear about the Australian shoplifter? He was crushed beneath
the local.
AN Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political
parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.
WHAT do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? Woolly Jumpers!!
AN Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been
playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs,
arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt." The doctor replied:
"You've broken your finger."
WHAT do Australian fans and sperm have in common? One in three million
has a chance of becoming a human being.
A MAN has an interview for immigration into Australia. The interviewer
says to him: "Do you have a police record?" "What?" replies the man.
"Do you still need one to get in?"
WHAT'S Australian for foreplay? When the man says: "Wake up, Sheila."
HOW do you describe a well- balanced Australian? One with a chip on
both shoulders.
WHY do women like making love to Greg Norman, the Australian
golfer? Because he always finishes second.
WHAT do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? Bloody big
holes all over Australia.
WHAT'S the worst thing about Oz? It's above sea level.