Robert McGregor
11-19-2003, 08:54 AM
How it worked for me, following as best I could the instructions in the
book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Those instructions that led me to my recovery.
At the start of chapter five, the first requirement for recovery, is self
Honesty. I had to examine my own honesty. Did I really believe, at a gut
level, not just glibly in my mind, that I was honest enough with myself to
be able to accept recovery.
The second requirement was a willingness to go to any lengths, a fearless
and thorough commitment to abandon my old ideas.
The third requirement was a willingness to let go absolutely. I believe
absolutely means to stop clinging to my hopes, dreams, ,opinions, ,wants,
needs, friendships, and possessions. Absolutely is a concept that leaves no
alternatives.
In my case, the fourth requirement was to come to terms with the statement,
"May you find him now!" When I looked at myself honestly, I did *not* find
God then. Felt that I was stuck, and could not even start step one.
I found the answer for me on page 47. As soon as .... is willing to believe
....... we emphatically assure [him] that [he] is on [his] way. Lucky for me
I am a him, so I did not have a sexist resentment there.
I wonder if you can relate to the difficulty I had, becoming willing to
believe, let alone actually believe?
It felt like levering my mind open with a crowbar, as if my mind was a
clam - shell, locked tight against even willingness to believe, let alone
belief. Fortunately I managed to lever my mind open enough to continue.
Back to the fourth requirement, page 59, "May you find Him now". Notice it
says, "may you", and not, "you must". I didn't have to find God anyway.
At last, My attitude had altered enough to begin taking the steps, I was
ready for a sober step one.
Convinced, after reading all of the Big Book up to chapter five, that
I was a real alcoholic for I could not drink sensibly, and, my life, when
drinking, was unmanageable. Later, I realised my life had been unmanageable
even when I was not drinking, and proven to be unmanageable beyond doubt by
repeatedly drinking again, when I
knew full well what the consequences of drinking were, for me.
I was an alcoholic, and, drunk or sober, my life had been unmanageable but I
had taken Step One!
Step 2 .. a Power greater than myself _could_ (not would) restore me to
sanity.
I could accept many concepts of a power greater than me. Alcohol was a power
greater than me, it had beaten me, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,
every time. The combined power of those early AA's, who had managed to agree
on the wording of the steps, was a greater
power than me, even if as it appears to have turned out, was the last time
they completely agreed on anything. Amazing that a whole bunch of drying out
drunks, from atheists through to fanatical Christians could actually agree
on something as deep as the 12 steps. I could hardly agree with myself on
anything.
However, I had a lot of trouble with the word sanity. Having been sober for
some time by then, I was able to hope I would be able to stay
sober,,,,,,,,,,,,, so why that word insanity? I decided that other people
may be insane when not drinking, but I now had a program of recovery. In my
mind, I changed that word sanity to emotional maturity.
Had no trouble believing I was emotionally immature. Later, on reading AA
history, was easy for me to understand that when the Big Book was written,
sanity, in context was as opposed to the insanity of drinking. Also, on
reflection, my emotional immaturity was responsible for heaps of insane
actions. If I did something stupid, I would classify it as a mistake. If I
watched someone else do stupid things, I would condemn them as insane. That
realisation was triggered by the statement. " We judge ourselves by our
intentions, others judge us by our actions."
I believed that a Power greater than I may exist, and may restore me to the
sanity of freedom from the desolation of a drinking alcoholic, or may not
exist, thus not restore me to that sanity. I had completed step2.
Step3. Made a decision to ....... In my mind, a decision was only a
resolution, until it was acted on. Now I was confronted head on with that
God business again. turn my will and my life over, what did that entail?
Remembering a commitment to be honest, fearless and thorough from the very
start, it meant all of me. Like getting everything about me I could think
of, packing it into a vehicle. Hopes, dreams, desires, needs, wants,
fears, opinions, friendships, deed of property title, ownership papers of
the entire caboodle, and giving the keys of the lot to God, and saying,
please God, where, and how, do I steer this contraption.
I did not even know if a God, or Gods existed! The answer was simple. My
understanding of God was that I did not understand God. I got down on my
knees, and said words something like this. "God, I do not know if any God
exists, is listening, or will care for me. I have just come out of
desolation, and will do anything not to go back there. If there is an AA
friendly God that is listening, and will care for me. AA has implied I must
turn over my will and my life in order to recover. Here are the keys of the
entire shebang. If you want to take anything, please take it. If you want
me to do anything, I will do it.
The most intolerable things I could think of, if they included me being
cared for as a result of these steps, I will do.
In my case the most intolerable outcomes of the step that I could imagine
were either becoming a celibate monk on a mountain top in Tibet, or an AA
circuit speaker. No half
measures about the self importance of this alcoholic:!
It was like bungy jumping, but the rope was invisible. Memory of acting on
that decision has dulled to a warm glow now. However the realisation that
among the opinions I had been clinging to were the very notions that had
been leading me to self destruct, and hurting countless others, was a
memorable realisation that remains with me to this day.
I had taken my definitive step three.
Step Four. While the buzz of step three was still buzzing, I was able to
start a relatively fearless and thorough step four. One important
realisation in hindsight was that all that was needed of me was my best on
the day. For this is a "One day at
a time" "Progress, not perfection" deal. I had wasted months of recovery
time, going from step one to step four trying to take the steps perfectly,
but ending up thoroughly confused. Then a friend remarked that trouble with
a step indicates the previous step was not done thoroughly, so step by step,
I ended up back at step one, then up and down to the fourth step like a
yoyo, doing my best on the day. After the step three related here was done,
I was on my way.
Given the desolation alcoholism had rewarded me with, I had no people left
to put in the table on Big Book page 65, and hated myself and the entire
world. Felt I would need to be writing resentments for eternity, and the
step would never get done.
In desperation I read on in the Big Book, to discover the opinion on page
67 that fear was behind most everything. I was confident my fears could be
counted on one hand.
Once, I was left alone, injured, on the edge of the Australian outback, and
a banquet for the local ants, while my workmate was running through the bush
to the base camp for help. So I feared ants, also crocodiles, wild pigs, and
sharks. Imagined that was all, This, I thought, was going to be easy!
Pages and pages later, I was still writing down more fears. In the
desolation of alcoholism, I had been too scared to suicide in case all the
Buddhist type tales of reincarnation were true. There was no way I wanted to
suicide, then come back to life in the next incarnation, and go through that
lot again. Now, I had handed over the keys of my life, and had forfeited the
right to end it.
Doing the best I could on the day, needing an inventory of what I was, as
distinct from an inventory of my past and/or potential, I completed my
definitive step Four.
Step five was no problem for me, I had practiced the principle of step five
for decades. I did not care if it was one human being, or a hundred. Was
best imo, to 'fess up when individuals were involved, and eliminate the
fear of discovery. Suppose in that respect, I am a get it over and done with
person.
I thought step 6 would take seconds. What a humbling shock to the system.
Despite handing over the keys, I was clinging to lots of things. Yeah, I
knew they were hurting me, but I loved my imperfections. Another look at the
wording of step six, and I realised I was off the hook. Once again I prayed
to a possibly non existent God. I said something to the effect that I was
willing to have God remove my defects of character, but it might take one
hell of a tug to remove them. If so however, I would cop it sweet. I
subsequently copped one hell of a tug, not strong enough anyway,
nevertheless, I copped it sweet.
Step seven was no problem for this agnostic, as the step made no promise
defects would be removed anyway. Perhaps the only time I approach humility
is at the end of step four, so glad I went express from four to step seven.
Step eight was a problem, starting to fear step nine. At that time, I was
living on my yacht. A tropical cyclone made it expedient to tie up in a
little creek, among mangrove swamps, and crocodiles, alone. Was there for a
couple of weeks, so started on that step eight. A miracle. I started to
enjoy it. As soon as I could get to shore, I made my first step nine
financial amends.
That person (whom I had presumed to be wealthy) wrote back thanking me,
explaining precisely how the money was a Godsend. After other financial
amends, observers, not alcoholic, could not be upstaged by a black sheep
like me, so they also started making amends. My ex wife, who is not
alcoholic, flew the length of the continent, to make amends to *me*.
That chain reaction, is happening in and around my life still. None of it
was overnight, but is all adding up to a bonus miracle, beside sobriety, and
access to serenity.
Step 10, I believe, is the simplest self explanatory step of them all.
Step 11 was a real problem. It called for input from this God that may not
exist. I skipped it for 2 years. Then, suffering from depression, I was
hurting again. When you're hurtin, work the steps! Got up to step 10, then
thought, hey, I do not need to believe, but this step says pray, so I'll
pray. What an idiot I was. The inventory process had cleared a hell of a
lot of my vision. Without thoughts blocked by resentments, fears, and rage,
I was able to meditate with a prayerful attitude finding clarity I had never
experienced before. Living solutions that had been precluded by ego,
resentments, and fears, became visible and viable.
My expectation, when I started that first ever step 11 meditation, was that
I would probably receive some sort of certainty as to how and where I could
expend more effort.
How wrong I was. That first meditation showed me I had been working too hard
in both my private and professional life. I stopped all AA service work, cut
down on my work hours, and started to breathe.
Step 12 is a paradox. It was a spiritual awakening for me to realise I never
had to drink again, provided I adhered to the principles revealed as
pertinent to me in the 12 simple steps. Best, if I give my best, on the day,
one day at a time. I need not belong to any organisation, including AA, to
share my time, empathy, and experience with others, particularly the
suffering real alcoholics with whom I have special empathy, having once
suffered like that myself.
written on March 05/1999
draft edit Nov 19/2003
No guarantee of any discussion from me regarding this post as I reserve my
right to now remain silent.
Bob
book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Those instructions that led me to my recovery.
At the start of chapter five, the first requirement for recovery, is self
Honesty. I had to examine my own honesty. Did I really believe, at a gut
level, not just glibly in my mind, that I was honest enough with myself to
be able to accept recovery.
The second requirement was a willingness to go to any lengths, a fearless
and thorough commitment to abandon my old ideas.
The third requirement was a willingness to let go absolutely. I believe
absolutely means to stop clinging to my hopes, dreams, ,opinions, ,wants,
needs, friendships, and possessions. Absolutely is a concept that leaves no
alternatives.
In my case, the fourth requirement was to come to terms with the statement,
"May you find him now!" When I looked at myself honestly, I did *not* find
God then. Felt that I was stuck, and could not even start step one.
I found the answer for me on page 47. As soon as .... is willing to believe
....... we emphatically assure [him] that [he] is on [his] way. Lucky for me
I am a him, so I did not have a sexist resentment there.
I wonder if you can relate to the difficulty I had, becoming willing to
believe, let alone actually believe?
It felt like levering my mind open with a crowbar, as if my mind was a
clam - shell, locked tight against even willingness to believe, let alone
belief. Fortunately I managed to lever my mind open enough to continue.
Back to the fourth requirement, page 59, "May you find Him now". Notice it
says, "may you", and not, "you must". I didn't have to find God anyway.
At last, My attitude had altered enough to begin taking the steps, I was
ready for a sober step one.
Convinced, after reading all of the Big Book up to chapter five, that
I was a real alcoholic for I could not drink sensibly, and, my life, when
drinking, was unmanageable. Later, I realised my life had been unmanageable
even when I was not drinking, and proven to be unmanageable beyond doubt by
repeatedly drinking again, when I
knew full well what the consequences of drinking were, for me.
I was an alcoholic, and, drunk or sober, my life had been unmanageable but I
had taken Step One!
Step 2 .. a Power greater than myself _could_ (not would) restore me to
sanity.
I could accept many concepts of a power greater than me. Alcohol was a power
greater than me, it had beaten me, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,
every time. The combined power of those early AA's, who had managed to agree
on the wording of the steps, was a greater
power than me, even if as it appears to have turned out, was the last time
they completely agreed on anything. Amazing that a whole bunch of drying out
drunks, from atheists through to fanatical Christians could actually agree
on something as deep as the 12 steps. I could hardly agree with myself on
anything.
However, I had a lot of trouble with the word sanity. Having been sober for
some time by then, I was able to hope I would be able to stay
sober,,,,,,,,,,,,, so why that word insanity? I decided that other people
may be insane when not drinking, but I now had a program of recovery. In my
mind, I changed that word sanity to emotional maturity.
Had no trouble believing I was emotionally immature. Later, on reading AA
history, was easy for me to understand that when the Big Book was written,
sanity, in context was as opposed to the insanity of drinking. Also, on
reflection, my emotional immaturity was responsible for heaps of insane
actions. If I did something stupid, I would classify it as a mistake. If I
watched someone else do stupid things, I would condemn them as insane. That
realisation was triggered by the statement. " We judge ourselves by our
intentions, others judge us by our actions."
I believed that a Power greater than I may exist, and may restore me to the
sanity of freedom from the desolation of a drinking alcoholic, or may not
exist, thus not restore me to that sanity. I had completed step2.
Step3. Made a decision to ....... In my mind, a decision was only a
resolution, until it was acted on. Now I was confronted head on with that
God business again. turn my will and my life over, what did that entail?
Remembering a commitment to be honest, fearless and thorough from the very
start, it meant all of me. Like getting everything about me I could think
of, packing it into a vehicle. Hopes, dreams, desires, needs, wants,
fears, opinions, friendships, deed of property title, ownership papers of
the entire caboodle, and giving the keys of the lot to God, and saying,
please God, where, and how, do I steer this contraption.
I did not even know if a God, or Gods existed! The answer was simple. My
understanding of God was that I did not understand God. I got down on my
knees, and said words something like this. "God, I do not know if any God
exists, is listening, or will care for me. I have just come out of
desolation, and will do anything not to go back there. If there is an AA
friendly God that is listening, and will care for me. AA has implied I must
turn over my will and my life in order to recover. Here are the keys of the
entire shebang. If you want to take anything, please take it. If you want
me to do anything, I will do it.
The most intolerable things I could think of, if they included me being
cared for as a result of these steps, I will do.
In my case the most intolerable outcomes of the step that I could imagine
were either becoming a celibate monk on a mountain top in Tibet, or an AA
circuit speaker. No half
measures about the self importance of this alcoholic:!
It was like bungy jumping, but the rope was invisible. Memory of acting on
that decision has dulled to a warm glow now. However the realisation that
among the opinions I had been clinging to were the very notions that had
been leading me to self destruct, and hurting countless others, was a
memorable realisation that remains with me to this day.
I had taken my definitive step three.
Step Four. While the buzz of step three was still buzzing, I was able to
start a relatively fearless and thorough step four. One important
realisation in hindsight was that all that was needed of me was my best on
the day. For this is a "One day at
a time" "Progress, not perfection" deal. I had wasted months of recovery
time, going from step one to step four trying to take the steps perfectly,
but ending up thoroughly confused. Then a friend remarked that trouble with
a step indicates the previous step was not done thoroughly, so step by step,
I ended up back at step one, then up and down to the fourth step like a
yoyo, doing my best on the day. After the step three related here was done,
I was on my way.
Given the desolation alcoholism had rewarded me with, I had no people left
to put in the table on Big Book page 65, and hated myself and the entire
world. Felt I would need to be writing resentments for eternity, and the
step would never get done.
In desperation I read on in the Big Book, to discover the opinion on page
67 that fear was behind most everything. I was confident my fears could be
counted on one hand.
Once, I was left alone, injured, on the edge of the Australian outback, and
a banquet for the local ants, while my workmate was running through the bush
to the base camp for help. So I feared ants, also crocodiles, wild pigs, and
sharks. Imagined that was all, This, I thought, was going to be easy!
Pages and pages later, I was still writing down more fears. In the
desolation of alcoholism, I had been too scared to suicide in case all the
Buddhist type tales of reincarnation were true. There was no way I wanted to
suicide, then come back to life in the next incarnation, and go through that
lot again. Now, I had handed over the keys of my life, and had forfeited the
right to end it.
Doing the best I could on the day, needing an inventory of what I was, as
distinct from an inventory of my past and/or potential, I completed my
definitive step Four.
Step five was no problem for me, I had practiced the principle of step five
for decades. I did not care if it was one human being, or a hundred. Was
best imo, to 'fess up when individuals were involved, and eliminate the
fear of discovery. Suppose in that respect, I am a get it over and done with
person.
I thought step 6 would take seconds. What a humbling shock to the system.
Despite handing over the keys, I was clinging to lots of things. Yeah, I
knew they were hurting me, but I loved my imperfections. Another look at the
wording of step six, and I realised I was off the hook. Once again I prayed
to a possibly non existent God. I said something to the effect that I was
willing to have God remove my defects of character, but it might take one
hell of a tug to remove them. If so however, I would cop it sweet. I
subsequently copped one hell of a tug, not strong enough anyway,
nevertheless, I copped it sweet.
Step seven was no problem for this agnostic, as the step made no promise
defects would be removed anyway. Perhaps the only time I approach humility
is at the end of step four, so glad I went express from four to step seven.
Step eight was a problem, starting to fear step nine. At that time, I was
living on my yacht. A tropical cyclone made it expedient to tie up in a
little creek, among mangrove swamps, and crocodiles, alone. Was there for a
couple of weeks, so started on that step eight. A miracle. I started to
enjoy it. As soon as I could get to shore, I made my first step nine
financial amends.
That person (whom I had presumed to be wealthy) wrote back thanking me,
explaining precisely how the money was a Godsend. After other financial
amends, observers, not alcoholic, could not be upstaged by a black sheep
like me, so they also started making amends. My ex wife, who is not
alcoholic, flew the length of the continent, to make amends to *me*.
That chain reaction, is happening in and around my life still. None of it
was overnight, but is all adding up to a bonus miracle, beside sobriety, and
access to serenity.
Step 10, I believe, is the simplest self explanatory step of them all.
Step 11 was a real problem. It called for input from this God that may not
exist. I skipped it for 2 years. Then, suffering from depression, I was
hurting again. When you're hurtin, work the steps! Got up to step 10, then
thought, hey, I do not need to believe, but this step says pray, so I'll
pray. What an idiot I was. The inventory process had cleared a hell of a
lot of my vision. Without thoughts blocked by resentments, fears, and rage,
I was able to meditate with a prayerful attitude finding clarity I had never
experienced before. Living solutions that had been precluded by ego,
resentments, and fears, became visible and viable.
My expectation, when I started that first ever step 11 meditation, was that
I would probably receive some sort of certainty as to how and where I could
expend more effort.
How wrong I was. That first meditation showed me I had been working too hard
in both my private and professional life. I stopped all AA service work, cut
down on my work hours, and started to breathe.
Step 12 is a paradox. It was a spiritual awakening for me to realise I never
had to drink again, provided I adhered to the principles revealed as
pertinent to me in the 12 simple steps. Best, if I give my best, on the day,
one day at a time. I need not belong to any organisation, including AA, to
share my time, empathy, and experience with others, particularly the
suffering real alcoholics with whom I have special empathy, having once
suffered like that myself.
written on March 05/1999
draft edit Nov 19/2003
No guarantee of any discussion from me regarding this post as I reserve my
right to now remain silent.
Bob