Charls Hagn
08-12-2006, 04:03 PM
This is the day the Lord hath made ,and I will rejoice and be glad in
it. Those who object to my references to God should not read further. It is
only by His grace that I Live today at all. The laundry list of trouble
alcohol steered me toward is far too lengthy to recount here, but, should I
post on occasion, my experiences, strengths, and hopes will be shared. Don't
get me wrong, I don't place on alcohol some supernatural powers, that it is
inherently evil, or even capable of harm in and of itself. To do so would
relieve me of the responsibility I must take for the destruction I left in
my wake.
I had an epiphany on Dec.28,2004, in a central Wisconsin jail cell,
after a dramatic arrest for my 3rd OWI, (BAC .328, on what I considered a
more or less average night. It's been higher.) As I sat shivering, and
pondering, "What have I become?", my Life played out before me. All the
failure and chaos, the considerable pain and sorrow I caused, I felt shame
for my own depression. I was beaten down, defeated. Projecting the loss of
my job, hence my living space and every material thing I owned, I
contemplated running again. "I've been homeless before, I can find a boxcar
or something on the west coast.", my cloudy thoughts ran. Cunning, baffling,
powerful, this thing that had me willing to isolate myself from the universe
just to hold the occasional bottle.
Then the (metaphorical) voice came. "Or", it said simply, as if to coax
me. A light came on. That moment was the turning point. I started with, "OK,
this isn't so bad, so I pay some fines, lose my license, go to treatment, go
to jail. I've been to treatment before. I can jump through the hoops of this
dog and pony show, tell them what they want to hear. Toby be good nigga."
Immediately rang out from inside me somewhere, "No. That is unacceptable.
The thing to do here IS to recover."
I decided to seek a path of righteousness, a positive direction in
which I
could Live and learn and grow. "Living right will be it's own reward.", I
was convinced. I knew this would require total honesty, for how could I
solve a problem(s) if I couldn't fully recognize it? Also, I knew I had to
seek all the info I could, and network w/the people who could help me. I
*must* succeed, or the consequences would be dire. I knew where to go. The
tools I learned in this program have become useful on occasion. The events
of heartache and depression that would once have me feeling hopeless, now
bring me to a serene place in my mind where I'm assured, "everything will be
alright.", and these simple little phrases that people in recovery use are
suddenly profound. Today, that phrase is, "There is no problem I have that
taking a drink won't make it worse." I will not take a drink today. My Life
may very well depend on it.
Charls...
it. Those who object to my references to God should not read further. It is
only by His grace that I Live today at all. The laundry list of trouble
alcohol steered me toward is far too lengthy to recount here, but, should I
post on occasion, my experiences, strengths, and hopes will be shared. Don't
get me wrong, I don't place on alcohol some supernatural powers, that it is
inherently evil, or even capable of harm in and of itself. To do so would
relieve me of the responsibility I must take for the destruction I left in
my wake.
I had an epiphany on Dec.28,2004, in a central Wisconsin jail cell,
after a dramatic arrest for my 3rd OWI, (BAC .328, on what I considered a
more or less average night. It's been higher.) As I sat shivering, and
pondering, "What have I become?", my Life played out before me. All the
failure and chaos, the considerable pain and sorrow I caused, I felt shame
for my own depression. I was beaten down, defeated. Projecting the loss of
my job, hence my living space and every material thing I owned, I
contemplated running again. "I've been homeless before, I can find a boxcar
or something on the west coast.", my cloudy thoughts ran. Cunning, baffling,
powerful, this thing that had me willing to isolate myself from the universe
just to hold the occasional bottle.
Then the (metaphorical) voice came. "Or", it said simply, as if to coax
me. A light came on. That moment was the turning point. I started with, "OK,
this isn't so bad, so I pay some fines, lose my license, go to treatment, go
to jail. I've been to treatment before. I can jump through the hoops of this
dog and pony show, tell them what they want to hear. Toby be good nigga."
Immediately rang out from inside me somewhere, "No. That is unacceptable.
The thing to do here IS to recover."
I decided to seek a path of righteousness, a positive direction in
which I
could Live and learn and grow. "Living right will be it's own reward.", I
was convinced. I knew this would require total honesty, for how could I
solve a problem(s) if I couldn't fully recognize it? Also, I knew I had to
seek all the info I could, and network w/the people who could help me. I
*must* succeed, or the consequences would be dire. I knew where to go. The
tools I learned in this program have become useful on occasion. The events
of heartache and depression that would once have me feeling hopeless, now
bring me to a serene place in my mind where I'm assured, "everything will be
alright.", and these simple little phrases that people in recovery use are
suddenly profound. Today, that phrase is, "There is no problem I have that
taking a drink won't make it worse." I will not take a drink today. My Life
may very well depend on it.
Charls...