Re: Who or what ticks you off?

[George &The Dragon]

You know what ticks me off? People who direct you to a site that sucks you
into a 1-900 number charging $1.99 a minute billed automatically to your
phone bill.

You know what else ticks me off? Rsoles who cross-post their spam to a dozen
unrelated groups cos they're too lazy to sucker one group at a time.

There. I feel much better now.

The Dragon

[Buddy H.]

Narcissism and the Dual Role of the False Self

(faq page 48)

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/narcissism/faq48.html

http://www2.cddc.vt.edu/gutenberg/etext03/malsl10h.htm

Question:

Why another Self? Why not simply transform the True Self into a
False one?

Answer:

Once formed and functioning, the False Self stifles the growth of
the True Self and paralyses it. Henceforth, the True Self is
virtually non-existent and plays no role (active or passive) in
the conscious life of the narcissist. I do not believe in the
ability to "resuscitate" it through therapy. It is not only a
question of alienation, as Horney observed. She said that because
the Idealised (=False) Self sets impossible goals to attain – the
results are frustration and self hate which grow with every
setback or failure. I assign the constant sadistic judgement, the
self-berating, the suicidal ideation to another source: to an
idealised, sadistic, Superego. There is no conflict between the
True Self and the False Self. First, the True Self is much too
weak to engage in conflict with the overbearing False. Second, the
False Self is adaptive (though maladaptive). It helps the True
Self to cope with the world. Without the False Self, the True Self
would be subjected to so much hurt that it will disintegrate. This
happens to narcissists who go through a life crisis: their False
Ego becomes dysfunctional and they experience a harrowing feeling
of annulment.

The False Self has many functions, described at great length
below. The two most important are:

It serves as a decoy, it "attracts the fire". It is a proxy for
the True Self. It is tough and hard and can absorb any amount of
pain, hurt and negative emotions. By externalising it, the child
develops immunity to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, or
exploitation – in short: to the abuse – inflicted on him by his
parents (or by other Primary Objects in his life). It is a shell,
protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same
time.

The False Self is misrepresented by the narcissist as his True
Self. The narcissist is saying, in effect: "I am not who you think
that I am. I am someone else. I am that (False) Self. Therefore, I
deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The False
Self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter the attitude of the
(human) environment towards the narcissist.

These roles are crucial to survival and to the proper
psychological functioning of the narcissist. The False Self is by
far more important to the narcissist than his dilapidated,
dysfunctional, True Self. As opposed to the neo-Freudians, I do
not think that the two are part of a continuum. I do not think
that healthy people have a "milder" case of False Self which
differs from its pathological equivalent in that it is more
realistic and closer to the True Self. I do think that even
healthy people have a mask [Guffman], a persona [Jung] which they
CONSCIOUSLY present to the outside world. This is a far cry from
the False Self, which is mostly unconscious, depends on the
maintenance of an image but is not synonymous with it and is
compulsive.

The False Self is a reaction to pathological circumstances (maybe
even a healthy reaction). But its dynamics make it predominate,
devour the psyche and prey upon both the True Self and the
efficient, flexible functioning of the personality.

That the narcissist possesses a prominent False Self as well as a
suppressed and dilapidated True Self is common knowledge. Yet, how
intertwined and inseparable are these two? Do they interact? How
do they influence each other? And what behaviours can be
attributed squarely to one or the other of these protagonists?
Moreover, does the False Self assume traits and attributes of the
True Self in order to deceive?

Let's start by referring to an oft-occurring question:

Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long
time ago. They are the true zombies of the world.

Many researchers and scholars and therapists tried to grapple with
the void at the core of the narcissist. The common view is that
the remnants of the True Self are so ossified, shredded, cowed
into submission and repressed – that, for all practical purposes,
they are dysfunctional and useless. In treating the narcissist,
the therapist often tries to invent a healthy self, rather than
build upon the distorted wreckage strewn across the narcissist's
psyche.

But what of the rare glimpses of True Self that those who interact
with narcissists keep reporting?

If the pathological narcissistic element is but one of many other
disorders – the True Self may well have survived. Gradations and
shades of narcissism make up the narcissistic spectrum.
Narcissistic traits (overlay) are often co-diagnosed with other
disorders (co-morbidity).

Some people have a narcissistic personality or style – but NOT
NPD! These distinctions are important. A person may well appear to
be a narcissist – but is not, in the strict, psychiatric, sense of
the word.

In a full-fledged narcissist, the False Self IMITATES the True
Self.

To do so artfully, it deploys two mechanisms:

Re-Interpretation

It causes the narcissist to re-interpret certain emotions and
reactions in a flattering, True Self-compatible, light. A
narcissist may, for instance, interpret FEAR – as compassion. If
the narcissist hurts someone he fears (e.g., an authority figure)
– he may feel bad afterwards and interpret his discomfort as
EMPATHY and COMPASSION. To be afraid is humiliating – to be
compassionate is commendable and earns the narcissist social
acceptance and understanding.

Emulation

The narcissist is possessed of an uncanny ability to
psychologically penetrate others. Often, this gift is abused and
put at the service of the narcissist's control freakery and
sadism. The narcissist uses it liberally to annihilate the natural
defences of his victims by faking unprecedented, almost inhuman,
empathy.

This capacity is coupled with the narcissist's ability to
frighteningly imitate emotions and their attendant behaviours. The
narcissist possesses "emotional resonance tables". He keeps
records of every action and reaction, every utterance and
consequence, every datum provided by others regarding their state
of mind and emotional make-up. From these, he then constructs a
set of formulas, which often result in impeccably and eerily
accurate renditions of emotional behaviour. This can be enormously
deceiving.

[Buddy H.]

Narcissists, Disagreement and Criticism
(faq page 73)

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/narcissism/faq73.html

http://www2.cddc.vt.edu/gutenberg/etext03/malsl10h.htm

Question:

How do narcissists react to criticism?

Answer:

The narcissist is forever trapped in the unresolved conflicts of
his childhood (including the famous Oedipus Complex). This compels
him to seek resolution by re-enacting these conflicts with
significant others. But he is likely to return to the Primary
Objects in his life (parents, authority figures, role models, or
caregivers) to do either of two:

To "re-charge" the conflict "battery", or

When unable to enact the conflict with another.

The narcissist relates to his human environment through his
unresolved conflicts. It is the energy of the tension thus created
that sustains him.

He is a person driven by parlously imminent eruptions, by the
unsettling prospect of losing his precarious balance. It is a
tightrope act. The narcissist must remain alert and on-edge. Only
if the conflict is fresh in his mind can he attain such levels of
mental arousal.

Periodically interacting with the objects of his conflicts,
sustains the inner turmoil, keeps the narcissist on his toes,
infuses him with the feeling that he is alive.

The narcissist perceives every disagreement – let alone criticism
– as nothing short of a THREAT. He reacts defensively. He becomes
indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear
of yet another (narcissistic) injury. He devalues the person who
made the disparaging remark. By holding the critic in contempt, by
diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant – he
minimises the impact on himself of the disagreement or criticism.
Like a trapped animal, the narcissist is forever on the lookout:
was this remark meant to demean him? Was this sentence a
deliberate attack? Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic
battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference until he loses
touch with reality and retreats to his own world of fantasised
grandiosity.

When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation
are PUBLIC, though – the narcissist tends to regard them as
Narcissistic Supply! Only when they are expressed in private –
does the narcissist rage against them.

The cerebral narcissist is competitive and intolerant of criticism
or disagreement. The subjugation and subordination of others
demand the establishment of his undisputed intellectual
superiority or professional authority. Alexander Lowen has an
excellent exposition of this "hidden or tacit competition". The
cerebral narcissist aspires to perfection. Thus, even the
slightest and most inconsequential challenge to his authority is
inflated by him. Hence, the disproportionateness of his reactions.

Some narcissists employ denial mechanisms, which they apply to
their "extensions" (=family, business, workplace, friends) as
well.

Take, for example, the narcissist’s family. Narcissists often
instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth
of abuse, malfunction, maladaptation, fear, pervasive sadness,
violence, mutual hatred and mutual repulsion which are the
hallmarks of the narcissistic family. "Not to launder the dirty
laundry outside" is a common sentence. The whole family conforms
to the fantastic, grandiose, perfect and superior narrative
invented by the narcissist. The family becomes an extension of the
False Self. This is an integral function of the Sources of
Secondary Narcissistic Supply. Criticising, disagreeing, or
exposing the fiction and lies, penetrating the family's facade –
are considered to be mortal sins. The sinner is immediately
subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and
blame – and to abuse, including physical abuse. This state of
things is especially typical of families with a case of sexual
abuse.

Behaviour modification techniques are liberally used by the
narcissist to ensure that the skeletons do stay in the family
cupboards. An amusing by-product of this atmosphere of concealment
and falsity is mutiny. The narcissist's spouse or his adolescent
children are likely to exploit this soft spot of the narcissist to
express their rebellion against him as a figure of reference and
authority or as a role model. The first thing to crumble in the
narcissist's family is the mass denial and the secretiveness so
diligently cultivated by him.