from an enabler

[Mutt Parker]

i'm not the alcoholic so why do i feel so guilty all the time? why am i making
excuses? why am i hiding his cans and bottles? i feel guilty because i know
he has a problem and yet i still buy the beer, he gets drunk and mean and i
still buy the beer. i make excuses because i really do feel its my fault. i
hide his cans and bottles (our room-mate has said NO DRINKING after our umpteen
millionth fight) because i went and bought it or gave him the money to go and
buy it or gave the ok. yeah ok like i could have stopped him at any point. if
he doesn't get at least 2 quarts a day, he won't speak to me and yet if he has
even 10 ounces more than that 2 quarts, he's ready to kill me. we've weaned
him down from 4+ quarts a day....he still craves it and will drink endlessly if
i say nothing.

i can't take this much more. i love him with all of my heart and he has
already admitted he has a problem but openly says he doesn't care to quit. he
began getting physically abusive during my pregnancy and we seperated for a
very very short time in which upon his return he did not have any alcohol for
about a week then i went into pre term labor and they gave me something to halt
it because it was 12 weeks too soon and he began to drink again stating that my
faking labor drove him crazy....how exactly do you fake a dilated cervix??
anyway....the drinking and fighting continues to this day. i HATE that he can
not simply enjoy a beer or 2 after work and let it be....he insists that he HAS
to drink he has every RIGHT to drink. i am every rotten thing a human can be
when he does not have it, that's my lame excuse for why i enable his
abuse....but then when he has too much as i said it only gets uglier. i feel i
am ruining both of our lives and not giving our daughter a fair chance at a
decent life because of this. HE is the one that chooses to drink, HE is the
one that says nothing will make him quit....and yet *I* am the one who has put
up with it for too long.

sorry i had to vent
thank you God bless and keep you all in your recovery

[Michael Rapp]

On 30 Jul 2003 18:03:59 GMT, magickalmutt@aol.comspamrots (Mutt Parker) wrote:

>i'm not the alcoholic so why do i feel so guilty all the time? why am i making
>excuses? why am i hiding his cans and bottles? i feel guilty because i know
>he has a problem and yet i still buy the beer, he gets drunk and mean and i
>still buy the beer. i make excuses because i really do feel its my fault. i
>hide his cans and bottles (our room-mate has said NO DRINKING after our umpteen
>millionth fight) because i went and bought it or gave him the money to go and
>buy it or gave the ok. yeah ok like i could have stopped him at any point. if
>he doesn't get at least 2 quarts a day, he won't speak to me and yet if he has
>even 10 ounces more than that 2 quarts, he's ready to kill me. we've weaned
>him down from 4+ quarts a day....he still craves it and will drink endlessly if
>i say nothing.
>
>i can't take this much more. i love him with all of my heart and he has
>already admitted he has a problem but openly says he doesn't care to quit. he
>began getting physically abusive during my pregnancy and we seperated for a
>very very short time in which upon his return he did not have any alcohol for
>about a week then i went into pre term labor and they gave me something to halt
>it because it was 12 weeks too soon and he began to drink again stating that my
>faking labor drove him crazy....how exactly do you fake a dilated cervix??
>anyway....the drinking and fighting continues to this day. i HATE that he can
>not simply enjoy a beer or 2 after work and let it be....he insists that he HAS
>to drink he has every RIGHT to drink. i am every rotten thing a human can be
>when he does not have it, that's my lame excuse for why i enable his
>abuse....but then when he has too much as i said it only gets uglier. i feel i
>am ruining both of our lives and not giving our daughter a fair chance at a
>decent life because of this. HE is the one that chooses to drink, HE is the
>one that says nothing will make him quit....and yet *I* am the one who has put
>up with it for too long.
>
>sorry i had to vent
>thank you God bless and keep you all in your recovery
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Mutt,
your post touched me and gave me a lot to think about.
My first impulse was to say "dump that dude", but then reconsidered. What was it
you're supposed to say at the altar? Love and honor? Good times and bad? Me, I'm
for that. I don't give that vow lightly, but when I do that other person has my
loyality for a lifetime.
On the other hand, that vow runs both ways. His disrespect of his vow (that
means disrespect of you and your feelings) doesn't free you of that bondage, at
least, it would not free me. But how can you help him? Aye, there's the rub. The
eternal hide and seek, who is better at the "game" of hiding bottles or seeking
those anti- person- mines, that is a lost cause in my book. Also, imho, for an
alcoholic to realize that life cannot continue like it has in the past, you have
to hit the concrete floor so hard that it hurts. The self- picture of the addict
has to be shattered in order to truly see himself. Of course, they blame
everyone else (rephrase: I did) but themselves. The co- addicts can only prolong
the procces of hitting the concrete floor by hiding the booze, calling their
bosses to call in sick because they themselves are still sleeping it off, and,
and, and. but in this they (the co- addicts) are fighting a loosing battle.
The course I would favor woud be to throw him out ( or leave yourself) but at
the same time saying that help is always available, but this time SERIOUS help
(like AA, psyhotherapy, whatever) and you do everything you can along those
lines of help.
At least, it was like that during my therapy: they made it real clear to me they
were more than willing to help me, but under THEIR conditions. No compromises, I
could take it or leave it. I think, the idea behind it was to leave me no "back
door" for me to do my little well- practiced play of give- and- take, I just had
to go full out. And I had to realize that I could NEVER EVER have another drink
in my whole life, at least if I wanted to remain in control of my life (and my
sanity, sobriety, self- respect, and and and, but that I figured out for myself
later).
He is absolutely right in pointing out to you that he has every right to drink.
However, he neglected to point out that he has to live with the consequences. I
think it is time for the consequences to show: "If I drink, than ___________
will happen". That is the hardest task for a co- alcoholic: to let _______
finally run its due course.

My best wishes to you,
Mike.

[Mutt Parker]

Mike and Bobby, thank you very much for your honest thoughts. the decision to
leave has been clear for a very long time, its finding the courage to do it
that seems the impossible task. i'll get through this because i know it is
best for my children however, will he get through this? will he see that it's
not worth it and he does need help or will the booze and pot still be more
important? i don't know and to say i don't care would be a flat out lie....i
do care. i care too much and i guess that's exactly why leaving is the only
true option here....the longer i stay and make this easy for him the worse he's
going to end up. i do love him enough to walk away and work on me, work on
having backbone enough to say this is what i will tolerate and this is what i
will not....the fear of being alone, i need to conquer that. in my heart
though i know its not that i fear being alone exactly, i do fear being without
him. i swore to love and honor this man, for better or worse and so on....i
just have to remind myself that i did not vow to stay here in his presence
while he destroys himself and i can in fact love and honor him no matter where
i am.

you are all in my prayers, this is a long hard road but i promise you are
making the right choice, the world is a much better place because you are part
of it, hang around and enjoy it.