problem drinker

[Bernadette]

hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become an
alcoholic.. Its been getting worse and owrse over the last 2 years. Ive
talked to him about his health, showed him all the articles of what
"moderate" drinking is, begged and pleaded, counted rinks, poured liqour
down the drain. I kicked my husband out about a month ago, so he could go
see his family and straighten himself out. He agreed during marriage
counciling that he is an alcoholic. Then he left and after 2 weeks informed
me he isnt a problem drinker at all. It was just the circumstances in his
life at the time. He wants me to move out there to be with him. And has
agreed to moderate drinking, and a specific compromise with me. The problem
is before her left we had "deals" on his drinking and he never followed
through.. Then he would get resentful on deals he had made with me and
started hiding liquor. I have started going to alanon, and Im trying to
decide if i should stay with him even though he drinks.. If i can learn
through alanon how to detach, and how to not let his drinking drive me
insane. I know he will not stick to our deal once Im out there.. so I know
he is sick, but he does not know or will not admit to it. I do not want to
count his drinks anymore, I dont want to be that crazy person ... I guess
what im asking is.....................................Is it possible to be
with a man who is an alcoholic, who ISNT abusive.. and be happy? I know I
have to make myself happy and not rely on him, but at the same time, knowing
I have to meet all my needs because he cant or wont doesnt sound like a
great marriage for anyone. Should i give him a second chance? Not meaning
to make him stop drinking, but to give our marraige a chance as he is...?
anyones advice would be so great right now....
me

[Dan McGown]

"Bernadette" <ilrah@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:IMI7d.4722$ae7.326@trndny07...
> hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become an
> alcoholic.. Its been getting worse and owrse over the last 2 years. Ive
> talked to him about his health, showed him all the articles of what
> "moderate" drinking is, begged and pleaded, counted rinks, poured liqour
> down the drain. I kicked my husband out about a month ago, so he could go
> see his family and straighten himself out. He agreed during marriage
> counciling that he is an alcoholic. Then he left and after 2 weeks
> informed
> me he isnt a problem drinker at all. It was just the circumstances in his
> life at the time. He wants me to move out there to be with him. And has
> agreed to moderate drinking, and a specific compromise with me. The
> problem
> is before her left we had "deals" on his drinking and he never followed
> through.. Then he would get resentful on deals he had made with me and
> started hiding liquor. I have started going to alanon, and Im trying to
> decide if i should stay with him even though he drinks.. If i can learn
> through alanon how to detach, and how to not let his drinking drive me
> insane. I know he will not stick to our deal once Im out there.. so I
> know
> he is sick, but he does not know or will not admit to it. I do not want
> to
> count his drinks anymore, I dont want to be that crazy person ... I guess
> what im asking is.....................................Is it possible to be
> with a man who is an alcoholic, who ISNT abusive.. and be happy? I know I
> have to make myself happy and not rely on him, but at the same time,
> knowing
> I have to meet all my needs because he cant or wont doesnt sound like a
> great marriage for anyone. Should i give him a second chance? Not
> meaning
> to make him stop drinking, but to give our marraige a chance as he is...?
> anyones advice would be so great right now....
> me

Bernadette,

I am so sorry, but here are some things that he has already told
you, not with mere words but with something more solid which is his actions
and his choices.

1) Alcohol is more important to me than you are.

3) I will hide things from you.

4) I won't keep my word to you.

5) My choices are more important than your choices and
therefore I am more important than you are.

6) I don't care if you have to live with the consequences of my
choices.

7) I'm going to make myself physically ill and leave you to
take care of me.

8) I'm going to thank you for taking all of this by dying early
and leaving you all alone.

Does that sound like a fair deal to you?

If you can't save him, you can save yourself. Look at it this
way: maybe if you don't accept that deal it may contribute to him some day
dealing with the problem. Maybe if you do accept the deal it tells him that
there is no problem.

Whatever you do, my best wishes to you,

Dan

[Dan McGown]

"Bernadette" <ilrah@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:IMI7d.4722$ae7.326@trndny07...
> hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become an
> alcoholic.. Its been getting worse and owrse over the last 2 years. Ive
> talked to him about his health, showed him all the articles of what
> "moderate" drinking is, begged and pleaded, counted rinks, poured liqour
> down the drain. I kicked my husband out about a month ago, so he could go
> see his family and straighten himself out. He agreed during marriage
> counciling that he is an alcoholic. Then he left and after 2 weeks
> informed
> me he isnt a problem drinker at all. It was just the circumstances in his
> life at the time. He wants me to move out there to be with him. And has
> agreed to moderate drinking, and a specific compromise with me. The
> problem
> is before her left we had "deals" on his drinking and he never followed
> through.. Then he would get resentful on deals he had made with me and
> started hiding liquor. I have started going to alanon, and Im trying to
> decide if i should stay with him even though he drinks.. If i can learn
> through alanon how to detach, and how to not let his drinking drive me
> insane. I know he will not stick to our deal once Im out there.. so I
> know
> he is sick, but he does not know or will not admit to it. I do not want
> to
> count his drinks anymore, I dont want to be that crazy person ... I guess
> what im asking is.....................................Is it possible to be
> with a man who is an alcoholic, who ISNT abusive.. and be happy? I know I
> have to make myself happy and not rely on him, but at the same time,
> knowing
> I have to meet all my needs because he cant or wont doesnt sound like a
> great marriage for anyone. Should i give him a second chance? Not
> meaning
> to make him stop drinking, but to give our marraige a chance as he is...?
> anyones advice would be so great right now....
> me

Number two was: I won't hesitate to lie to you.

[Mias]

Alcoholics do not have friends or family, only hostages...

"Bernadette" <ilrah@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:IMI7d.4722$ae7.326@trndny07...
> hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become an
> alcoholic.. Its been getting worse and owrse over the last 2 years. Ive
> talked to him about his health, showed him all the articles of what
> "moderate" drinking is, begged and pleaded, counted rinks, poured liqour
> down the drain. I kicked my husband out about a month ago, so he could go
> see his family and straighten himself out. He agreed during marriage
> counciling that he is an alcoholic. Then he left and after 2 weeks
> informed
> me he isnt a problem drinker at all. It was just the circumstances in his
> life at the time. He wants me to move out there to be with him. And has
> agreed to moderate drinking, and a specific compromise with me. The
> problem
> is before her left we had "deals" on his drinking and he never followed
> through.. Then he would get resentful on deals he had made with me and
> started hiding liquor. I have started going to alanon, and Im trying to
> decide if i should stay with him even though he drinks.. If i can learn
> through alanon how to detach, and how to not let his drinking drive me
> insane. I know he will not stick to our deal once Im out there.. so I
> know
> he is sick, but he does not know or will not admit to it. I do not want
> to
> count his drinks anymore, I dont want to be that crazy person ... I guess
> what im asking is.....................................Is it possible to be
> with a man who is an alcoholic, who ISNT abusive.. and be happy? I know I
> have to make myself happy and not rely on him, but at the same time,
> knowing
> I have to meet all my needs because he cant or wont doesnt sound like a
> great marriage for anyone. Should i give him a second chance? Not
> meaning
> to make him stop drinking, but to give our marraige a chance as he is...?
> anyones advice would be so great right now....
> me
>
>
>
>
>
>

[JB]

"Bernadette" <ilrah@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:IMI7d.4722$ae7.326@trndny07...
> hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become
an
> alcoholic

<snip>

> I have started going to alanon, and Im trying to
> decide if i should stay with him even though he drinks

Hi Bernadette,

As time goes by, hopefully it will become clear to you what it is you
need to do in order to give yourself a chance of having a life that
could be better than the one you now have. In the meantime, I'll
share with you my beliefs that someone who sees a need to change their
drinking habits may change them and that alcoholics who are willing
and able to learn lessons that might result eventually in them
recovering from alcoholism may eventually recover from it:

"We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of
alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy;
that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this
class................ These allergic types can never safely use
alcohol in any form at all.........

Once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed
doomed.......... suddenly finds himself easily able to control his
desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to
follow a few simple rules.

There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving
which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue the
fight.

The classification of alcoholics ................. is outside the
scope of this book. There are of course the
psychopaths.................. There is the type of man who is
unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. There is the type
who always believes that being entirely free of alcohol for a period
of time he can take a drink without danger. There is the
manic-depressive type. Then there are types normal in every respect
except in the effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able,
intelligent, friendly people.

All these, and many others have one symptom in common; they cannot
start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This
phenomenon........ may be the manifestation of an allergy. It has
never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently
eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence."

(Source: "Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed), pages xxiv - xxviii)

<snip>

> Should i give him a second chance? Not meaning
> to make him stop drinking, but to give our marraige a chance as he
is...?

I'm not going to offer any advice on whether you should stay in or
leave your marriage because only you can and must decide what's right
for you. However, I will express the opinion that for as long as you
think it worth saving, you will decide to stay in it,

Sympathetically yours

JB
(A recovering alcoholic)

[Dreamspinner3]

I've been married to my alcoholic husband since 1994 & we've been
living together since 1987. Throughout the entire time he's been an
active alcoholic almost constantly. I grew up in an alcoholic home &
so it is no surprise I married one.

The last three years have been extremely stressful--he got another
DUI, lost his civil service job, & has been getting worse faster since
then. Nothing anyone has said or done has been any difference to him.
Booze has him in its grasp & I don't think he'll be free of it until
he's dead.

Unless you're husband gets help---because HE wants it---then the
downward spiral will continue. I can't tell you whether you should
stay or go but you have to be prepared to watch him slowly kill
himself, because that's what the booze does.

Me, I'm at the end of my rope. We've got no money, behind in all our
bills, and I don't see a way out for me anymore except to end our
marriage. We've got no kids, which is good, but we've got a lot of
pets I'll need to find homes for. Funny but that is what I'm most
worried about.

Maybe things will be different for you, maybe they won't. I hope they
are. Good luck.
-----
Kim/Dreamspinner3
Visit My Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/

[cucumber]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but here goes; My spouse of 11 years left me, took the
kid and moved 1500 miles away. After promising to myself to do so for quite a few years now, I
finally went to AA. Not to get her back, but rather to get back on track. I've been 1 1/2 months
without a drink now, never felt better, met the woman of my dreams and finally look forward to every
minute of my life.

I miss my kid tremendously, will visit as often as I can, pay more child support than I am obligated
to, and my ex has finally come to understand that it is over between us.

I hope the best for her and support her as much as I can, but at this point I wouldn't want her back
for all the tea in China. She definitely was unhappy within our relationship. I think her plan
backfired.

Don't assume you are the only one unhappy in your relationship or that your spouse's unhappiness is
only because of the booze. Don't make the same mistake(?) we did by ignoring the underlying
problems while pointing at the booze.

Food for thought.

Bernadette wrote:

> hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become an
> alcoholic.. Its been getting worse and owrse over the last 2 years. Ive
> talked to him about his health, showed him all the articles of what
> "moderate" drinking is, begged and pleaded, counted rinks, poured liqour
> down the drain. I kicked my husband out about a month ago, so he could go
> see his family and straighten himself out. He agreed during marriage
> counciling that he is an alcoholic. Then he left and after 2 weeks informed
> me he isnt a problem drinker at all. It was just the circumstances in his
> life at the time. He wants me to move out there to be with him. And has
> agreed to moderate drinking, and a specific compromise with me. The problem
> is before her left we had "deals" on his drinking and he never followed
> through.. Then he would get resentful on deals he had made with me and
> started hiding liquor. I have started going to alanon, and Im trying to
> decide if i should stay with him even though he drinks.. If i can learn
> through alanon how to detach, and how to not let his drinking drive me
> insane. I know he will not stick to our deal once Im out there.. so I know
> he is sick, but he does not know or will not admit to it. I do not want to
> count his drinks anymore, I dont want to be that crazy person ... I guess
> what im asking is.....................................Is it possible to be
> with a man who is an alcoholic, who ISNT abusive.. and be happy? I know I
> have to make myself happy and not rely on him, but at the same time, knowing
> I have to meet all my needs because he cant or wont doesnt sound like a
> great marriage for anyone. Should i give him a second chance? Not meaning
> to make him stop drinking, but to give our marraige a chance as he is...?
> anyones advice would be so great right now....
> me
>
>
>
>
>
>

[bluskie]

"Bernadette" <ilrah@verizon.net> wrote in message news:<IMI7d.4722$ae7.326@trndny07>...
> hi there... maybe you can help me. I believe my husband has become an
> alcoholic.. Its been getting worse and owrse over the last 2 years.
> I kicked my husband out about a month ago, so he could go
> see his family and straighten himself out. He agreed during marriage
> counciling that he is an alcoholic. Then he left and after 2 weeks informed
> me he isnt a problem drinker at all.
> Is it possible to be
> with a man who is an alcoholic, who ISNT abusive.. and be happy?

Yes, you become an alcoholic yourself and live together as faithful drunks.