Vaney
09-29-2004, 02:16 PM
<donning asbestos suit, just in case>
You may have noticed that the campaigns of President Bush and Sen. John F.
Kerry have negotiated 32 pages of nit-picking rules for the presidential
debates that begin tomorrow. For example, the candidates are not allowed to use
note cards, and TV cameras cannot show "reaction" shots of the candidates.
As silly as these rules are, the rival campaigns also turned down some other
proposed debate guidelines during fierce behind-the-scenes negotiations. Here
is a partial list of the candidates' demands that were rejected by the other
side.
Bush proposals rejected by Kerry:
1. First choice for moderator: Rush Limbaugh. Alternate: Justice Antonin
Scalia.
2. The taller candidate must crouch continuously.
3. No questions about anything prior to 1975.
4. The third debate will take place on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Each
candidate is responsible for his own transportation to and from the event.
5. For national security reasons, the candidates are prohibited from uttering
any of the following words or phrases: Osama bin Laden, Iraq, deficits and
voting rights.
6. Three debates, three topics: Foreign policy, domestic policy, and the
sanctity of marriage.
7. A debate shall be interrupted if the President is summoned to a secure phone
to (a) declare war on countries that begin with vowels, or (b) congratulate
Ichiro Suzuki for breaking Major League Baseball's record for most hits in a
season.
8. The moderator shall address the Republican candidate as "Mr. Freedom
Fighter" and the Democrat as "Monsieur Flip-Flopper."
9. The studio audience will limit its reaction to warm applause after the
closing statements and spontaneous outbursts of "four more years!"
10. No Heinz ketchup in the Green Room.
Kerry proposals rejected by Bush:
1. First choice for moderator: Michael Moore. Alternate: Dan Rather.
2. Extra points for nuance.
3. In the event of a tie, the debate shall be settled by a jump ball.
4. The moderator shall address the Republican candidate as "You there" and the
Democrat as "Handsome."
5. The Democratic candidate's podium shall be adorned on the front with a
tasteful cluster of three Purple Hearts.
6. The equal-time rule notwithstanding, because the Democrat is a sitting
senator, he may declare a filibuster at any time.
7. A lazy Susan shall be placed on stage within reach of the Democratic
candidate for easy access to his various answers on Iraq.
8. The Democrat's podium will be equipped with x-ray technology to display
shrapnel in leg.
9. Consolation prize for the loser is a team of polo ponies.
10. No questions about anything after 1975.
Well, I smiled at it...
Vaney
to email, simplify...
"...details delight me, ramifications enchant me, distance no object..."
Lord Peter Wimsey
You may have noticed that the campaigns of President Bush and Sen. John F.
Kerry have negotiated 32 pages of nit-picking rules for the presidential
debates that begin tomorrow. For example, the candidates are not allowed to use
note cards, and TV cameras cannot show "reaction" shots of the candidates.
As silly as these rules are, the rival campaigns also turned down some other
proposed debate guidelines during fierce behind-the-scenes negotiations. Here
is a partial list of the candidates' demands that were rejected by the other
side.
Bush proposals rejected by Kerry:
1. First choice for moderator: Rush Limbaugh. Alternate: Justice Antonin
Scalia.
2. The taller candidate must crouch continuously.
3. No questions about anything prior to 1975.
4. The third debate will take place on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Each
candidate is responsible for his own transportation to and from the event.
5. For national security reasons, the candidates are prohibited from uttering
any of the following words or phrases: Osama bin Laden, Iraq, deficits and
voting rights.
6. Three debates, three topics: Foreign policy, domestic policy, and the
sanctity of marriage.
7. A debate shall be interrupted if the President is summoned to a secure phone
to (a) declare war on countries that begin with vowels, or (b) congratulate
Ichiro Suzuki for breaking Major League Baseball's record for most hits in a
season.
8. The moderator shall address the Republican candidate as "Mr. Freedom
Fighter" and the Democrat as "Monsieur Flip-Flopper."
9. The studio audience will limit its reaction to warm applause after the
closing statements and spontaneous outbursts of "four more years!"
10. No Heinz ketchup in the Green Room.
Kerry proposals rejected by Bush:
1. First choice for moderator: Michael Moore. Alternate: Dan Rather.
2. Extra points for nuance.
3. In the event of a tie, the debate shall be settled by a jump ball.
4. The moderator shall address the Republican candidate as "You there" and the
Democrat as "Handsome."
5. The Democratic candidate's podium shall be adorned on the front with a
tasteful cluster of three Purple Hearts.
6. The equal-time rule notwithstanding, because the Democrat is a sitting
senator, he may declare a filibuster at any time.
7. A lazy Susan shall be placed on stage within reach of the Democratic
candidate for easy access to his various answers on Iraq.
8. The Democrat's podium will be equipped with x-ray technology to display
shrapnel in leg.
9. Consolation prize for the loser is a team of polo ponies.
10. No questions about anything after 1975.
Well, I smiled at it...
Vaney
to email, simplify...
"...details delight me, ramifications enchant me, distance no object..."
Lord Peter Wimsey