9th Step advice

[Friend of Bill]

One of those on my 8th step list is a former lover I have not spoken to
for four years. I caused this woman emotional harm, not with infidelity
or violence, but generally by being an alcoholic and specifically by
breaking up with her angrily at a time when she needed me. I said some
harsh things to her, and really let her down. It was an ugly breakup. I
feel I owe it to her to try to make amends, and I know that this is very
important for my sobriety.

But, I am uncertain in this case how to make amends without causing
further harm. I've made many amends before, but this one is a little
more complicated.

Firstly, I have had no contact with this woman and am unsure whether she
is married. I do not want to cause any friction in her present
relationship with an "old-boyfriend who called" type of thing.

More importantly, I am unsure whether trying to make an amends would only
do her further harm. Yet perhaps I only think that to rationalize not
making an amends that may be difficult or not accepted. I hurt many
people when I was drinking. Every time I have made an amends, the person
was thankful, even if they were still upset with me. But this woman was
viciously pissed off at me, and I really think that it may hurt her if I
contact her again. But as I said, maybe I'm just telling myself that to
avoid her rejecting my amends. I do not know. I've talked with my
sponsor and some guys in my home group, now I'm throwing this out to you.
I would really appreciate it if someone could share his or her
experience.

[readandpost rosie]

dear friend,
are you ready for the 9th step?
(have you done 1-8?)

the reason i ask, is that in my early sobriety, i jumped right from
the 1st step to the ninth,(without discussing it with my sponsor)
and what a mistake that was!


--

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reach
$445 billion in this fiscal year, by far the largest shortfall
ever." The
administration claims that this figure is an improvement, but in
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2003 the White House estimated that the deficit for 2004 would be
just over
$300 billion............................www.misleader.o rg









"Friend of Bill" <nowhere@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:Xns9539D231FBA01nowherenowherecom@207.69.154. 203...
: One of those on my 8th step list is a former lover I have not
spoken to
: for four years. I caused this woman emotional harm, not with
infidelity
: or violence, but generally by being an alcoholic and specifically
by
: breaking up with her angrily at a time when she needed me. I said
some
: harsh things to her, and really let her down. It was an ugly
breakup. I
: feel I owe it to her to try to make amends, and I know that this
is very
: important for my sobriety.
:
: But, I am uncertain in this case how to make amends without
causing
: further harm. I've made many amends before, but this one is a
little
: more complicated.
:
: Firstly, I have had no contact with this woman and am unsure
whether she
: is married. I do not want to cause any friction in her present
: relationship with an "old-boyfriend who called" type of thing.
:
: More importantly, I am unsure whether trying to make an amends
would only
: do her further harm. Yet perhaps I only think that to rationalize
not
: making an amends that may be difficult or not accepted. I hurt
many
: people when I was drinking. Every time I have made an amends, the
person
: was thankful, even if they were still upset with me. But this
woman was
: viciously pissed off at me, and I really think that it may hurt
her if I
: contact her again. But as I said, maybe I'm just telling myself
that to
: avoid her rejecting my amends. I do not know. I've talked with
my
: sponsor and some guys in my home group, now I'm throwing this out
to you.
: I would really appreciate it if someone could share his or her
: experience.

[Blue Moon]

On Tue, 03 Aug 2004 00:40:21 GMT, Friend of Bill <nowhere@nowhere.com>
wrote:

>One of those on my 8th step list is a former lover I have not spoken to
>for four years. I caused this woman emotional harm, not with infidelity
>or violence, but generally by being an alcoholic and specifically by
>breaking up with her angrily at a time when she needed me. I said some
>harsh things to her, and really let her down. It was an ugly breakup. I
>feel I owe it to her to try to make amends, and I know that this is very
>important for my sobriety.

How would your sobriety fare if you didn't get the hoped-for response
that your motives may seek?

>But, I am uncertain in this case how to make amends without causing
>further harm. I've made many amends before, but this one is a little
>more complicated.

Check out the second part of Step 9... "except WHEN to do so would
injure them or others". Sometimes the best amend is to not go back to
playing God and trying to fix everything. Sometimes the best tactic
is to practice patience.

I owed amends to an ex- of mine. Wasn't sure how to approach the
subject, so I waited. I later learned (through the most unlikely
source I would have imagined) that she had just had a baby.

It came as a slight shock to realise that other people could actually
be capable of moving on in their own lives without my interference at
all!

She didn't need my amends to move on in her life, I wanted her
acceptance of my amends so as not to feel thought of as such a
shit.... poor motive for making amends, right?

Other options you have are to write a letter, or to simply pay off
some financial debt to her (if you owe her any).

>I've talked with my
>sponsor and some guys in my home group, now I'm throwing this out to you.
>I would really appreciate it if someone could share his or her
>experience.

What did your sponsor/other guys say, and in what way are you
expecting or hoping for anything said here to be different?

--
Blue Moon