Buddy H.
07-08-2003, 08:33 PM
Narcissism - Warped Reality and Retroactive Emotional Content
(faq page 39)
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/narcissism/faq39.html
http://www2.cddc.vt.edu/gutenberg/etext03/malsl10h.htm
Question:
How does a narcissist experience his own life?
Answer:
As a prolonged, incomprehensible, unpredictable, frequently
terrifying and deeply saddening nightmare. This is a result of the
functional dichotomy – fostered by the narcissist himself –
between his False Self and his True Self. The latter – the
fossilised ashes of the original, immature, personality – is the
one that does the experiencing.
The False Self is nothing but a concoction, a figment of the
narcissist's disorder, a reflection in the narcissist's hall of
mirrors. It is incapable of feeling, or experiencing. Yet, it is
fully the master of the psychodynamic processes, which rage within
the narcissist's psyche. The inner battle is so fierce that the
True Self experiences it as a diffuse, though imminent and
eminently ominous, threat. Anxiety ensues and the narcissist finds
himself constantly ready for the next blow. He does things and he
knows not why or wherefrom. He says things, acts and behaves in
ways, which, he knows, endanger him and put him in line for
punishment. Otherwise he hurts people around him, or breaks the
law, or violates accepted morality. He knows that he is in the
wrong and feels ill at ease on the rare moments that he does feel.
He wants to stop but knows not how. Gradually, he feels estranged
from himself, possessed by some kind of demon, a puppet on
invisible, mental strings. He resents this feeling, he wants to
rebel, he is repelled by this part in him with which he is not
acquainted. In his efforts to exorcise this devil from his soul,
he dissociates.
An eerie sensation sets in and pervades the psyche of the
narcissist. At times of crisis, of danger, of depression, of
narcissistic failure – he feels that he is watching himself from
the outside. This is not a physical description of an ethereal
voyage. The narcissist does not really "exit" his body. It is just
that he assumes, involuntarily, the position of a spectator, a
polite observer mildly interested in the whereabouts of one, Mr.
Narcissist. It is akin to watching a movie, the illusion is not
complete, nor is it precise. This detachment continues for as long
as the unwanted behaviour persists, for as long as the crisis goes
on, for as long as the narcissist cannot face who he is, what he
is doing and the consequences of his deeds. Since this is the case
most of the time, the narcissist gets used to seeing himself in
the role of the hero of a motion picture or of a novel. It also
sits well with his grandiosity and fantasies. Sometimes, he talks
about himself in the third person singular. Sometimes he calls his
"other", narcissistic, self by a different name. He describes his
life, its events, ups and downs, pains, elation and
disappointments in the most remote voice, "professional" and
coldly analytical, as though describing (though with a modicum of
involvement) the life of some exotic insect (yes, Kafka).
The metaphor of "life as a movie", gaining control by "writing a
scenario" or by "inventing a narrative" is, therefore, not a
modern invention. Cavemen narcissists have, probably, done the
same. But this is only the external, superficial, facet. The
problem is that the narcissist FEELS this way. He really
experiences his life as belonging to someone else, his body as
dead weight (or as an instrument in the service of some entity),
his deeds as a-moral and not immoral (he cannot be judged for
something that he hasn't done, can he?). As time passes, the
narcissist accumulates a mountain of mishaps, conflicts
unresolved, pains well hidden, abrupt separations and bitter
disappointments. He is subjected to a constant barrage of social
criticism and condemnation. He is ashamed and fearful. He knows
that something is wrong but there is no correlation between his
cognition and his emotions. He prefers to run away and hide, as he
did when he was an infant. Only this time he hides behind another
self, the false one. People reflect to him this mask of his
creation, until even he believes its very existence and
acknowledges its dominance, until he forgets the truth and knows
no better. The narcissist is only dimly aware of the decisive
battle, which rages inside him. He feels threatened, very sad,
suicidal – but there seems to be no outside cause of all this and
it makes it even more mysteriously ominous.
This dissonance, these negative feelings, these nagging anxieties,
transform the "motion picture" solution into a permanent one. It
becomes a feature of the narcissist's life. Whenever confronted by
an emotional threat or by an existential one – he retreats into
this haven, this mode of coping. He relegates responsibility,
submissively assuming the passive role of "the one acted upon". He
who is not responsible cannot be punished – runs the subtext of
this capitulation. The narcissist is thus classically conditioned
to annihilate himself – both in order to avoid (emotional) pain
and to bask in the light of his grandiose dreams. This he does
with fanatic zeal and with efficacy. Prospectively, he assigns his
very life (decisions to be made, judgements to be passed,
agreements to be reached) to the False Self. Retroactively, he
interprets his past life in a manner consistent with the current
needs of the False Self. It is no wonder that there is no
connection between what the narcissist did feel in a given period
in his life, or in relation to a specific event or happening – and
the way he sees or remembers these later on in his life. He
describes certain occurrences or periods in his life as "tedious,
painful, sad, burdening" – even though he felt entirely
differently at the time. The same retroactive colouring occurs
with regards to people. The narcissist completely distorts the way
he regarded certain people and felt towards them. His inclination
is directly and fully derived from the requirements of his False
Self during the process of recasting and re-writing.
In sum, the narcissist does not occupy his own soul, nor does he
inhabit his own body. He is the servant of an apparition, of a
reflection, of an Ego function. To please and appease his Master,
the narcissist sacrifices to it his very life. From that moment
onwards, the narcissist lives vicariously, through the good
offices of the False Self. He feels detached, alienated and
estranged from his (False) Self. He constantly harbours the
sensation that he is watching a movie with a plot of which he has
but little control. It is with certain interest – even bemusement,
fascination – that he does the watching. Still, watching it is and
only that. The narcissist also engages in permanent Orwellian
alterations to the emotional content, which accompanied certain
events and people in his life. He re-writes his emotional history
according to instructions emanating from the False Self. Thus, not
only does the narcissist lose control of his future life (the
movie) – he is gradually losing ground to the False Self in the
battle to preserve the integrity and genuineness of his past
experiences. Eroded between these two poles, the narcissist
gradually disappears and is replaced by his disorder to the most
complete extent.
(faq page 39)
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/narcissism/faq39.html
http://www2.cddc.vt.edu/gutenberg/etext03/malsl10h.htm
Question:
How does a narcissist experience his own life?
Answer:
As a prolonged, incomprehensible, unpredictable, frequently
terrifying and deeply saddening nightmare. This is a result of the
functional dichotomy – fostered by the narcissist himself –
between his False Self and his True Self. The latter – the
fossilised ashes of the original, immature, personality – is the
one that does the experiencing.
The False Self is nothing but a concoction, a figment of the
narcissist's disorder, a reflection in the narcissist's hall of
mirrors. It is incapable of feeling, or experiencing. Yet, it is
fully the master of the psychodynamic processes, which rage within
the narcissist's psyche. The inner battle is so fierce that the
True Self experiences it as a diffuse, though imminent and
eminently ominous, threat. Anxiety ensues and the narcissist finds
himself constantly ready for the next blow. He does things and he
knows not why or wherefrom. He says things, acts and behaves in
ways, which, he knows, endanger him and put him in line for
punishment. Otherwise he hurts people around him, or breaks the
law, or violates accepted morality. He knows that he is in the
wrong and feels ill at ease on the rare moments that he does feel.
He wants to stop but knows not how. Gradually, he feels estranged
from himself, possessed by some kind of demon, a puppet on
invisible, mental strings. He resents this feeling, he wants to
rebel, he is repelled by this part in him with which he is not
acquainted. In his efforts to exorcise this devil from his soul,
he dissociates.
An eerie sensation sets in and pervades the psyche of the
narcissist. At times of crisis, of danger, of depression, of
narcissistic failure – he feels that he is watching himself from
the outside. This is not a physical description of an ethereal
voyage. The narcissist does not really "exit" his body. It is just
that he assumes, involuntarily, the position of a spectator, a
polite observer mildly interested in the whereabouts of one, Mr.
Narcissist. It is akin to watching a movie, the illusion is not
complete, nor is it precise. This detachment continues for as long
as the unwanted behaviour persists, for as long as the crisis goes
on, for as long as the narcissist cannot face who he is, what he
is doing and the consequences of his deeds. Since this is the case
most of the time, the narcissist gets used to seeing himself in
the role of the hero of a motion picture or of a novel. It also
sits well with his grandiosity and fantasies. Sometimes, he talks
about himself in the third person singular. Sometimes he calls his
"other", narcissistic, self by a different name. He describes his
life, its events, ups and downs, pains, elation and
disappointments in the most remote voice, "professional" and
coldly analytical, as though describing (though with a modicum of
involvement) the life of some exotic insect (yes, Kafka).
The metaphor of "life as a movie", gaining control by "writing a
scenario" or by "inventing a narrative" is, therefore, not a
modern invention. Cavemen narcissists have, probably, done the
same. But this is only the external, superficial, facet. The
problem is that the narcissist FEELS this way. He really
experiences his life as belonging to someone else, his body as
dead weight (or as an instrument in the service of some entity),
his deeds as a-moral and not immoral (he cannot be judged for
something that he hasn't done, can he?). As time passes, the
narcissist accumulates a mountain of mishaps, conflicts
unresolved, pains well hidden, abrupt separations and bitter
disappointments. He is subjected to a constant barrage of social
criticism and condemnation. He is ashamed and fearful. He knows
that something is wrong but there is no correlation between his
cognition and his emotions. He prefers to run away and hide, as he
did when he was an infant. Only this time he hides behind another
self, the false one. People reflect to him this mask of his
creation, until even he believes its very existence and
acknowledges its dominance, until he forgets the truth and knows
no better. The narcissist is only dimly aware of the decisive
battle, which rages inside him. He feels threatened, very sad,
suicidal – but there seems to be no outside cause of all this and
it makes it even more mysteriously ominous.
This dissonance, these negative feelings, these nagging anxieties,
transform the "motion picture" solution into a permanent one. It
becomes a feature of the narcissist's life. Whenever confronted by
an emotional threat or by an existential one – he retreats into
this haven, this mode of coping. He relegates responsibility,
submissively assuming the passive role of "the one acted upon". He
who is not responsible cannot be punished – runs the subtext of
this capitulation. The narcissist is thus classically conditioned
to annihilate himself – both in order to avoid (emotional) pain
and to bask in the light of his grandiose dreams. This he does
with fanatic zeal and with efficacy. Prospectively, he assigns his
very life (decisions to be made, judgements to be passed,
agreements to be reached) to the False Self. Retroactively, he
interprets his past life in a manner consistent with the current
needs of the False Self. It is no wonder that there is no
connection between what the narcissist did feel in a given period
in his life, or in relation to a specific event or happening – and
the way he sees or remembers these later on in his life. He
describes certain occurrences or periods in his life as "tedious,
painful, sad, burdening" – even though he felt entirely
differently at the time. The same retroactive colouring occurs
with regards to people. The narcissist completely distorts the way
he regarded certain people and felt towards them. His inclination
is directly and fully derived from the requirements of his False
Self during the process of recasting and re-writing.
In sum, the narcissist does not occupy his own soul, nor does he
inhabit his own body. He is the servant of an apparition, of a
reflection, of an Ego function. To please and appease his Master,
the narcissist sacrifices to it his very life. From that moment
onwards, the narcissist lives vicariously, through the good
offices of the False Self. He feels detached, alienated and
estranged from his (False) Self. He constantly harbours the
sensation that he is watching a movie with a plot of which he has
but little control. It is with certain interest – even bemusement,
fascination – that he does the watching. Still, watching it is and
only that. The narcissist also engages in permanent Orwellian
alterations to the emotional content, which accompanied certain
events and people in his life. He re-writes his emotional history
according to instructions emanating from the False Self. Thus, not
only does the narcissist lose control of his future life (the
movie) – he is gradually losing ground to the False Self in the
battle to preserve the integrity and genuineness of his past
experiences. Eroded between these two poles, the narcissist
gradually disappears and is replaced by his disorder to the most
complete extent.