Hi all,

I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel them and want to
better understand where they come from. I'm working on a simple model that
describes how they are formed.

I believe healthy relationships are built by doing things WITH people.
Resentments form when doing things FOR people. Doing FOR someone can cause
feelings of obligation. We then start doing things TO them.

FOR and TO are tools of attempting to control others.

What am I missing?

Kirk S.

"Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
newsUuTb.11546$sd.10808@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> Hi all,
>
> I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel them and want to
> better understand where they come from. I'm working on a simple model
that
> describes how they are formed.
>
> I believe healthy relationships are built by doing things WITH people.
> Resentments form when doing things FOR people. Doing FOR someone can
cause
> feelings of obligation. We then start doing things TO them.
>
> FOR and TO are tools of attempting to control others.
>
> What am I missing?
>
> Kirk S.
>
>
Expectations?

Woody Hayes, of Ohio State football fame, used to say that there were only 3
things that could happen when a team throws a football. And 2 of them were
bad. (Complete, incomplete, or intercepted.)

If you think about it, anytime you have a want or expectation, there are
only 3 things that can happen. And 2 of them are bad.

You CAN get what you want or expect.
You can NOT get what you want or expect.
Or, you DO get what you do not want.

Placing expectations on people is nothing more than a premeditated
resentment.

"Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
newsUuTb.11546$sd.10808@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> Hi all,
>
> I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel them and
want to
> better understand where they come from. I'm working on a simple
model that
> describes how they are formed.
>
> I believe healthy relationships are built by doing things WITH
people.
> Resentments form when doing things FOR people. Doing FOR someone
can cause
> feelings of obligation. We then start doing things TO them.
>
> FOR and TO are tools of attempting to control others.
>
> What am I missing?
>
> Kirk S.

Hi Kirk,

As part of what I'm doing to help myself recover I listen to AA
tapes spoken by two, well-respected American non-drinking alcoholics
called Joe and Charlie.

If I've understood their view of resentments correctly it's this::

It starts with someone doing something that upsets you. What they did
becomes a resentment when you replay in your head whatever it was they
did and allow it to upset you all over again. Each time you replay
the event, it's a resentment. If with each replay you downplay just
a little more any part you had in causing the original event to
happen, you'll end up feeling "pure as the driven snow " ( a Joe and
Charlie quote) and also that what ever caused you to initially get
upset
was due to the fact that the "mean old world" (another Joe and Charlie
quote) is always out to get ya.

(smiling)

Two of the many wonderful memories I have of these tapes is Charlie
saying something like: "when an alcoholic gets up in the morning he
wraps around him the cloak of self pity and says "come on world
come and git me" and "a bad day for an alcoholic is when no-one does
anything to them to upset them On days like that, the alcoholic holds
resentments against others for what they might be "thinking". LOL.

HTH

JB

"Moonraker" <notnow@noway.nev> wrote in message
news:0bvTb.9140$_r.2593@bignews6.bellsouth.net...
>
> "Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> newsUuTb.11546$sd.10808@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > Hi all,
> >
> > I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel them and want
to
> > better understand where they come from. I'm working on a simple model
> that
> > describes how they are formed.
> >
> > I believe healthy relationships are built by doing things WITH people.
> > Resentments form when doing things FOR people. Doing FOR someone can
> cause
> > feelings of obligation. We then start doing things TO them.
> >
> > FOR and TO are tools of attempting to control others.
> >
> > What am I missing?
> >
> > Kirk S.
> >
> >
> Expectations?

Exactly! Applying my lens on the world to other people and expecting them
to adhere to my standards.

Guilty as charged! Then feeling justified in being angry at them for not
living up to my expectations.

Geez, what a racket!

Kirk S.
>
> Woody Hayes, of Ohio State football fame, used to say that there were only
3
> things that could happen when a team throws a football. And 2 of them
were
> bad. (Complete, incomplete, or intercepted.)
>
> If you think about it, anytime you have a want or expectation, there are
> only 3 things that can happen. And 2 of them are bad.
>
> You CAN get what you want or expect.
> You can NOT get what you want or expect.
> Or, you DO get what you do not want.
>
> Placing expectations on people is nothing more than a premeditated
> resentment.
>
>
>
>

"JB" <JBCatRB@coldman.com> wrote in message
news:bvm0ad$v8b$1@newsg1.svr.pol.co.uk...
>
> "Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> newsUuTb.11546$sd.10808@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > Hi all,
> >
> > I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel them and
> want to
> > better understand where they come from. I'm working on a simple
> model that
> > describes how they are formed.
> >
> > I believe healthy relationships are built by doing things WITH
> people.
> > Resentments form when doing things FOR people. Doing FOR someone
> can cause
> > feelings of obligation. We then start doing things TO them.
> >
> > FOR and TO are tools of attempting to control others.
> >
> > What am I missing?
> >
> > Kirk S.
>
> Hi Kirk,
>
> As part of what I'm doing to help myself recover I listen to AA
> tapes spoken by two, well-respected American non-drinking alcoholics
> called Joe and Charlie.
>
> If I've understood their view of resentments correctly it's this::
>
> It starts with someone doing something that upsets you. What they
did
> becomes a resentment when you replay in your head whatever it was
they
> did and allow it to upset you all over again. Each time you replay
> the event, it's a resentment.

<snip>

PS:

In simple terms:

Re = return to

Resentment = return to the source of the anger, bitterness, ill-will

"JB" <JBCatRB@coldman.com> wrote in message
news:bvm1u3$83o$1@news8.svr.pol.co.uk...
> "JB" <JBCatRB@coldman.com> wrote in message
> news:bvm0ad$v8b$1@newsg1.svr.pol.co.uk...
> >
> > "Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> > newsUuTb.11546$sd.10808@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > > Hi all,
> > >
> > > I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel them and
> > want to
> > > better understand where they come from. I'm working on a simple
> > model that
> > > describes how they are formed.
> > >
> > > I believe healthy relationships are built by doing things WITH
> > people.
> > > Resentments form when doing things FOR people. Doing FOR someone
> > can cause
> > > feelings of obligation. We then start doing things TO them.
> > >
> > > FOR and TO are tools of attempting to control others.
> > >
> > > What am I missing?
> > >
> > > Kirk S.
> >
> > Hi Kirk,
> >
> > As part of what I'm doing to help myself recover I listen to AA
> > tapes spoken by two, well-respected American non-drinking alcoholics
> > called Joe and Charlie.
> >
> > If I've understood their view of resentments correctly it's this::
> >
> > It starts with someone doing something that upsets you. What they
> did
> > becomes a resentment when you replay in your head whatever it was
> they
> > did and allow it to upset you all over again. Each time you replay
> > the event, it's a resentment.
>
> <snip>
>
> PS:
>
> In simple terms:
>
> Re = return to
>
> Resentment = return to the source of the anger, bitterness, ill-will

Yup... Hanging onto them is just as dangerous as putting a beer in my hand.
Name it, Claim it, Dump it....

Why do we choose to hang onto them when they are so dangerous?

Kirk S.
>
>
>

"Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
news:zXvTb.11648$sd.8523@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> Yup... Hanging onto them is just as dangerous as putting a beer in my
hand.
> Name it, Claim it, Dump it....
>
> Why do we choose to hang onto them when they are so dangerous?
>
> Kirk S.
> >
Because, by damn, they are OUR resentments. We nutured them, fed them, and
we fucking well enjoy dragging that Radio Flyer wagon full of them around
behind us. In some cases a good resentment is the only thing we have to
keep our hollow selves from imploding.

"Moonraker" <notnow@noway.nev> wrote in message
news:52wTb.13971$tl5.6211@bignews1.bellsouth.net.. .
>
> "Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> news:zXvTb.11648$sd.8523@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > Yup... Hanging onto them is just as dangerous as putting a beer in my
> hand.
> > Name it, Claim it, Dump it....
> >
> > Why do we choose to hang onto them when they are so dangerous?
> >
> > Kirk S.
> > >
> Because, by damn, they are OUR resentments. We nutured them, fed them,
and
> we fucking well enjoy dragging that Radio Flyer wagon full of them around
> behind us. In some cases a good resentment is the only thing we have to
> keep our hollow selves from imploding.
>
Because we can use them as an excuse for our next drink? To me, it isn't a
relapse; cancer patients relapse, alcoholics chose to drink.

Kirk S.
>

"Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
news:YjwTb.11757$sd.319@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> "Moonraker" <notnow@noway.nev> wrote in message
> news:52wTb.13971$tl5.6211@bignews1.bellsouth.net.. .
> >
> > "Kirk S" <kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote in message
> > news:zXvTb.11648$sd.8523@twister.rdc-kc.rr.com...
> > > Yup... Hanging onto them is just as dangerous as putting a beer in my
> > hand.
> > > Name it, Claim it, Dump it....
> > >
> > > Why do we choose to hang onto them when they are so dangerous?
> > >
> > > Kirk S.
> > > >
> > Because, by damn, they are OUR resentments. We nutured them, fed them,
> and
> > we fucking well enjoy dragging that Radio Flyer wagon full of them
around
> > behind us. In some cases a good resentment is the only thing we have to
> > keep our hollow selves from imploding.
> >
> Because we can use them as an excuse for our next drink? To me, it isn't
a
> relapse; cancer patients relapse, alcoholics chose to drink.
>
> Kirk S.
> >

Yeah, that too.

[On Mon, 02 Feb 2004 16:28:04 GMT, "Kirk S"
<kspradling@nospamkc.rr.com> wrote:]

> I'm trying to understand resentments. I know when I feel
> them and want to better understand where they come from.

This may not be responsive, but I'll give it a try.

There is a phenomenom called "alcoholic rage". It is not
well understood, but you can readily see the vestages of
it in the posts to this newsgroup. There's no need for a
magnifying glass.

In some of us, it shows up when we are drunk. In others,
it shows up when we are sober.

My own take is that is something to do with our own
frustrations with ourselves. For some of us, the booze
lets it out. For others, the booze subdues it.

I do both.

You need to be careful about it. I once picked my GF's
computer up and threw it against a wall. I can't recall
whether I was drunk or sober at the time, but doing that
cost me about $1000.

Not good.

It was based on a resentment that had been simmering for
several months. She had moved in with me and was
basically living off me. I was pissed. I had expected
her to get a job, but she hadn't done that.

I had not said anything, then one day I exploded.

Booze was in the equation there, somewhere. I could have
just talked to her.

--
Harry