Hello,
I have been reading in this NG for several months now trying to gain a
perspective on My SO alcoholism. He was in treatment for six months,
relapsed, binged drinking and is now in "controlled drinking" at this
time. He always "talks" about getting back into treatment, but, to date
has done nothing. Since his relapse he has alienated himself from me
even more..becomes defensive anytime the subject of his alcoholism
comes up and his lack of action to bring himself to honesty about what
he needs to do.
My intention here is to thank the above mentioned people for there
candor and how it has helped me to gain a better understanding of the
alcoholic mindset. The lack of "willingness" on the part of my SO I now
know is the issue. Someone mentioned that in here and it really stuck a
cord with me. Willingness and honesty with oneself seems to be at the
real core of the issue in seeking help and breaking thru the denial.
I don't know how many non-A's travel thru here..but, I'm sure that I am
not the only one to have gained insight to alcoholism. Again, thank you
all for your honesty and ability to get to the the real core of the
issue without all of the "fluff"

Nora

"Nora Jones" <MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:3772-3EFF81C0-114@storefull-2152.public.lawson.webtv.net...
> Hello,
> I have been reading in this NG for several months now trying to gain a
> perspective on My SO alcoholism. He was in treatment for six months,
> relapsed, binged drinking and is now in "controlled drinking" at this
> time. He always "talks" about getting back into treatment, but, to date
> has done nothing. Since his relapse he has alienated himself from me
> even more..becomes defensive anytime the subject of his alcoholism
> comes up and his lack of action to bring himself to honesty about what
> he needs to do.
> My intention here is to thank the above mentioned people for there
> candor and how it has helped me to gain a better understanding of the
> alcoholic mindset. The lack of "willingness" on the part of my SO I now
> know is the issue. Someone mentioned that in here and it really stuck a
> cord with me. Willingness and honesty with oneself seems to be at the
> real core of the issue in seeking help and breaking thru the denial.
> I don't know how many non-A's travel thru here..but, I'm sure that I am
> not the only one to have gained insight to alcoholism. Again, thank you
> all for your honesty and ability to get to the the real core of the
> issue without all of the "fluff"
>
> Nora
>

Pain is the only motivator most alcoholics understand. When the pain gets
bad enough, he'll then become willing to do whatever it takes to make the
pain go away. As long as the consequences of his drinking aren't "that
bad"...he'll likely continue until he hits a worse bottom than his previous
bottom. And so on and so on.

Maybe he'll be lucky and his next bottom won't take him to more
institutionalization or incarceration or even death. Maybe "just" losing
his wife and kids or maybe his job will be consequences enough.
Unfortunately, only "he" knows how much suffering he can withstand.

Good luck...and have you tried some AlaNon meetings?

Oh, keep us posted on what is happening? ;>)

MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:3772-3EFF81C0-114@storefull-2152.public.lawson.webtv.net...
Hello,
I have been reading in this NG for several months now trying to gain a
perspective on My SO alcoholism. He was in treatment for six months,
relapsed, binged drinking and is now in "controlled drinking" at this
time. He always "talks" about getting back into treatment, but, to date
has done nothing. Since his relapse he has alienated himself from me
even more..becomes defensive anytime the subject of his alcoholism comes
up and his lack of action to bring himself to honesty about what he
needs to do.
My intention here is to thank the above mentioned people for there
candor and how it has helped me to gain a better understanding of the
alcoholic mindset. The lack of "willingness" on the part of my SO I now
know is the issue. Someone mentioned that in here and it really stuck a
cord with me. Willingness and honesty with oneself seems to be at the
real core of the issue in seeking help and breaking thru the denial. I
don't know how many non-A's travel thru here..but, I'm sure that I am
not the only one to have gained insight to alcoholism. Again, thank you
all for your honesty and ability to get to the the real core of the
issue without all of the "fluff"
Nora


Pain is the only motivator most alcoholics understand. When the pain
gets bad enough, he'll then become willing to do whatever it takes to
make the pain go away. As long as the consequences of his drinking
aren't "that bad"...he'll likely continue until he hits a worse bottom
than his previous bottom. And so on and so on.
Maybe he'll be lucky and his next bottom won't take him to more
institutionalization or incarceration or even death. Maybe "just" losing
his wife and kids or maybe his job will be consequences enough.
Unfortunately, only "he" knows how much suffering he can withstand.
Good luck...and have you tried some AlaNon meetings?
Oh, keep us posted on what is happening? * ;>)

Thank you for your response, Moonraker. Pain is the motivator..and I am
sure that you are right. Apparently his pain is not that painful..he is
getting by with a job, house, etc intact...imo, not living only
existing..a isolated existance at that.
Have not gone to AlaNon yet..but, am looking into meetings and I
certainly think they can be of help or at the very least I won't know if
I don't try them out and give them a fair chance. Yes, I believe that I
will need support as I am finding this extremely difficult to deal
with..too much dishonesty and hurt for me. I believe that I need to
make that break from him, not at all healthy for me..not at all. And
even tho I know he cares, etc...in my heart of heart if I left today or
tomorrow I truly believe that there would be a part of him that would
feel relief in having "one less thing to worry about, one less stress,
one less thing to "deal with".

Nora

"Nora Jones" <MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:8308-3F00E0D5-67@storefull-2158.public.lawson.webtv.net...
MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
I truly believe that there would be a part of him that would
feel relief in having "one less thing to worry about, one less stress,
one less thing to "deal with".

Nora

Yep. One less thing to interfere with his drinking. Been there, had a
raggedy tee-shirt to prove it.

There's no magic answer for you. The pain and the consequences aren't bad
enough "yet". What we don't know and can't predict is IF they will ever get
bad enough to force him into admitting his life in unmanageable. He could
rock along just like he is going for decades.....He won't get better, only
into a worse morass. And nobody will be able to tell him anything...except
another drunk who is in recovery. He won't believe you, the judge, his
boss, his family, his doctor...but he might believe another drunk if you can
manage that, somehow.

Keep talking to us, OK? What part of the world are you in? Maybe one of us
is near by or knows a recovering drunk who lives near you that could talk to
your SO.

"Moonraker" <fuggadaboutit@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:gR5Ma.14208$gu6.12293@fe03.atl2.webusenet.com ...
>
> "Nora Jones" <MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
> news:8308-3F00E0D5-67@storefull-2158.public.lawson.webtv.net...
> MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
> I truly believe that there would be a part of him that would
> feel relief in having "one less thing to worry about, one less stress,
> one less thing to "deal with".
>
> Nora
>
> Yep. One less thing to interfere with his drinking. Been there, had a
> raggedy tee-shirt to prove it.
>
> There's no magic answer for you. The pain and the consequences aren't bad
> enough "yet". What we don't know and can't predict is IF they will ever
get
> bad enough to force him into admitting his life in unmanageable. He could
> rock along just like he is going for decades.....He won't get better, only
> into a worse morass. And nobody will be able to tell him
anything...except
> another drunk who is in recovery. He won't believe you, the judge, his
> boss, his family, his doctor...but he might believe another drunk if you
can
> manage that, somehow.
>
> Keep talking to us, OK? What part of the world are you in? Maybe one of
us
> is near by or knows a recovering drunk who lives near you that could talk
to
> your SO.
>
>

And we might also know of a Alanon-er who we could put you in contact with.

Bobby L
Atlanta, GA here.

http://www.ola-is.org/


"Nora Jones" <MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:8308-3F00E0D5-67@storefull-2158.public.lawson.webtv.net...
MayaASO@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:3772-3EFF81C0-114@storefull-2152.public.lawson.webtv.net...
Hello,
I have been reading in this NG for several months now trying to gain a
perspective on My SO alcoholism. He was in treatment for six months,
relapsed, binged drinking and is now in "controlled drinking" at this
time. He always "talks" about getting back into treatment, but, to date
has done nothing. Since his relapse he has alienated himself from me
even more..becomes defensive anytime the subject of his alcoholism comes
up and his lack of action to bring himself to honesty about what he
needs to do.
My intention here is to thank the above mentioned people for there
candor and how it has helped me to gain a better understanding of the
alcoholic mindset. The lack of "willingness" on the part of my SO I now
know is the issue. Someone mentioned that in here and it really stuck a
cord with me. Willingness and honesty with oneself seems to be at the
real core of the issue in seeking help and breaking thru the denial. I
don't know how many non-A's travel thru here..but, I'm sure that I am
not the only one to have gained insight to alcoholism. Again, thank you
all for your honesty and ability to get to the the real core of the
issue without all of the "fluff"
Nora


Pain is the only motivator most alcoholics understand. When the pain
gets bad enough, he'll then become willing to do whatever it takes to
make the pain go away. As long as the consequences of his drinking
aren't "that bad"...he'll likely continue until he hits a worse bottom
than his previous bottom. And so on and so on.
Maybe he'll be lucky and his next bottom won't take him to more
institutionalization or incarceration or even death. Maybe "just" losing
his wife and kids or maybe his job will be consequences enough.
Unfortunately, only "he" knows how much suffering he can withstand.
Good luck...and have you tried some AlaNon meetings?
Oh, keep us posted on what is happening? ;>)

Thank you for your response, Moonraker. Pain is the motivator..and I am
sure that you are right. Apparently his pain is not that painful..he is
getting by with a job, house, etc intact...imo, not living only
existing..a isolated existance at that.
Have not gone to AlaNon yet..but, am looking into meetings and I
certainly think they can be of help or at the very least I won't know if
I don't try them out and give them a fair chance. Yes, I believe that I
will need support as I am finding this extremely difficult to deal
with..too much dishonesty and hurt for me. I believe that I need to
make that break from him, not at all healthy for me..not at all. And
even tho I know he cares, etc...in my heart of heart if I left today or
tomorrow I truly believe that there would be a part of him that would
feel relief in having "one less thing to worry about, one less stress,
one less thing to "deal with".

Nora

"Bobby L." <BobbyL2000nospam@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:UU5Ma.4631$At.2871@fe02.atl2.webusenet.com...
>
> Bobby L
> Atlanta, GA here.
>
Where's your home group?

On Mon, 30 Jun 2003 21:16:05 -0400 (EDT), MayaASO@webtv.net (Nora
Jones) wrote:

>Thank you for your response, Moonraker. Pain is the motivator..and I am
>sure that you are right. Apparently his pain is not that painful..he is
>getting by with a job, house, etc intact...imo, not living only
>existing..a isolated existance at that.

Part of the problem with alcohol is that it numbs feelings. I didn't
"hit bottom" until after I stopped drinking.

That's why recovery can only work for those who want it. Fact is,
there's plenty more that need it, but often they're the last to
realise.

>in my heart of heart if I left today or
>tomorrow I truly believe that there would be a part of him that would
>feel relief in having "one less thing to worry about, one less stress,
>one less thing to "deal with".

Quite possibly. But it could also accelerate his process of reaching
a place where he realises the problem. Nobody can really know, so
you'll just have to do whatever you must for you.

--
Blue Moon

"Blue Moon" <mfoco@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:94da627a30d4015373a78b4b5f255b31@free.teranew s.com...
> On Mon, 30 Jun 2003 21:16:05 -0400 (EDT), MayaASO@webtv.net (Nora
> Jones) wrote:
>
> >Thank you for your response, Moonraker. Pain is the motivator..and I am
> >sure that you are right. Apparently his pain is not that painful..he is
> >getting by with a job, house, etc intact...imo, not living only
> >existing..a isolated existance at that.
>
> Part of the problem with alcohol is that it numbs feelings. I didn't
> "hit bottom" until after I stopped drinking.

Wow, I just realized...me too. I had stopped drinking, but hadn't gone into
meetings when i went to jail. I went to my first meeting after i got out,
immediately after i got out.


>
> That's why recovery can only work for those who want it. Fact is,
> there's plenty more that need it, but often they're the last to
> realise.
>
> >in my heart of heart if I left today or
> >tomorrow I truly believe that there would be a part of him that would
> >feel relief in having "one less thing to worry about, one less stress,
> >one less thing to "deal with".

girl, no girl. I was miserable, but not miserable enough.

>
> Quite possibly. But it could also accelerate his process of reaching
> a place where he realises the problem. Nobody can really know, so
> you'll just have to do whatever you must for you.
>
> --
> Blue Moon
>

>Keep talking to us, OK? What part of the world are you in? Maybe one of us
>is near by or knows a recovering drunk who lives near you that could talk to
>your SO.

sometimes that doesnt work either...
you may have to get the scissors out and cut the cord...
sorry to say it/....
but good luck..

"you see mr vond, you couldnt be my father because my blood type is A negative,
and yours is preparation H."
-Pynchon