Married 36 years, wife was active and healthy. In last
couple of years she's slid into heavy drinking late at
night, when I'm asleep. She'll then nap during the day.
There is no risk of driving drunk, and with others she's
sober. She doesn't seem depressed, and still manages the
family's real estate competently.

We have had no conflict about it. Her comment: "Yes, I
sometimes drink too much." On a three week cruise she
drank very little, but once we returned home she was
back on schedule. Three hours of heavy drinking from
1-4AM, sleeping from 1-4PM, then up to make dinner. A
crazy schedule, difficult life, and I feel terrible
about it.

I have no idea as to what might be done. She doesn't see
a need to do anything at all. We love and respect each
other, but this can ruin a long marriage.

???

Hank wrote:
> Married 36 years, wife was active and healthy. In last couple of years
> she's slid into heavy drinking late at night, when I'm asleep. She'll
> then nap during the day. There is no risk of driving drunk, and with
> others she's sober.

IMO - The likelihood ( or the odds ) of being involved in accident
while recovering from the previous nights binge increases as this
continues.


>

You bet it can ruin a long marriage. Alcoholism ruined my
relationship/marriage of 20 years to a man who was once a loving,
caring, vibrant human being. Now he's a husk of what he once was,
living in a homeless shelter because he got up to drinking a quart of
vodka a day on top of his medications for bipolar disorder. He was
out of work, unable to hold a hold for more than a couple of weeks,
and was becoming violent when he drank on his medications. The last
straw happened in October 2007; he tried to get violent with me again,
I called the police again, and that was it. He went away to jail for
domestic assault AGAIN and I came to my senses FINALLY.

You ask what can be done? Well, let me be blunt: NOTHING CAN BE DONE
ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S DRINKING UNLESS SHE SEEKS HELP HERSELF AND WANTS TO
BE SOBER. That's it, pure and simple. There is NOTHING you can do to
make her stop drinking, NOTHING. Believe me, I know. I tried
everything, the county we lived in civilly committed my husband for a
full year for treatment where he was told if he didn't get sober and
stay sober, he'd die within a couple of years, I am in the process of
ending our marriage, AND NONE OF IT WORKED. I've heard through other
that he still continued drinking after he got out of jail for the last
domestic abuse charge; he can't come home because I now have a year
long order of protection in place against him that prohibits contact
between us unless a police officer is present.

All you can do is make decisions for yourself, about what you are
willing to live with, how far you're willing to go with her down her
path of self-destruction. That's it. I suggest you find an Al-Anon
group in your area, this is a great program for people who know and
love alcoholics and it can give you the tools you'll need to cope with
your life and the decisions you need to make.

Good luck and blessings to you and your wife.

On Sat, 09 Feb 2008 18:21:43 -0800, Hank <noguru@yahoo.com> wrote:

>Married 36 years, wife was active and healthy. In last
>couple of years she's slid into heavy drinking late at
>night, when I'm asleep. She'll then nap during the day.
>There is no risk of driving drunk, and with others she's
>sober. She doesn't seem depressed, and still manages the
>family's real estate competently.
>
>We have had no conflict about it. Her comment: "Yes, I
>sometimes drink too much." On a three week cruise she
>drank very little, but once we returned home she was
>back on schedule. Three hours of heavy drinking from
>1-4AM, sleeping from 1-4PM, then up to make dinner. A
>crazy schedule, difficult life, and I feel terrible
>about it.
>
>I have no idea as to what might be done. She doesn't see
>a need to do anything at all. We love and respect each
>other, but this can ruin a long marriage.
>
>???

Kim/Dreamspinner3
Parrot Nannies of Minnesota Inc:
http://parrotnanniesmn.com/
Personal Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/

Hank wrote:

> Married 36 years, wife was active and healthy. In last
> couple of years she's slid into heavy drinking late at
> night, when I'm asleep. She'll then nap during the day.
> There is no risk of driving drunk, and with others she's
> sober. She doesn't seem depressed, and still manages the
> family's real estate competently.
>
> We have had no conflict about it. Her comment: "Yes, I
> sometimes drink too much." On a three week cruise she
> drank very little, but once we returned home she was
> back on schedule. Three hours of heavy drinking from
> 1-4AM, sleeping from 1-4PM, then up to make dinner. A
> crazy schedule, difficult life, and I feel terrible
> about it.
>
> I have no idea as to what might be done. She doesn't see
> a need to do anything at all. We love and respect each
> other, but this can ruin a long marriage.

One of my co-workers has the same problem. When his wife drinks, she
becomes violent. She has just been drinking for several days, so he has
decided to leave her for the second time and restructure their
relationship. I feel like going to her and yelling "You have just
destroyed your marriage by continuing to drink!!! Are you proud of
yourself????"

Hank wrote:

> Married 36 years, wife was active and healthy. In last
> couple of years she's slid into heavy drinking late at
> night, when I'm asleep. She'll then nap during the day.
> There is no risk of driving drunk, and with others she's
> sober. She doesn't seem depressed, and still manages the
> family's real estate competently.
>
> We have had no conflict about it. Her comment: "Yes, I
> sometimes drink too much." On a three week cruise she
> drank very little, but once we returned home she was
> back on schedule. Three hours of heavy drinking from
> 1-4AM, sleeping from 1-4PM, then up to make dinner. A
> crazy schedule, difficult life, and I feel terrible
> about it.

Tell her that you are moving out because of her drinking! If she begs
you to come back, make her sign a contract to stop drinking and go to AA
meetings.

We're in an era of wonderful technologies and medical
advances. I carry a cellphone that takes pictures and
plays music, and calls anyone in the world. My best
friend had a 4-way bypass and went on a cruise two weeks
later. My hybrid car gets 44 miles per gallon. Statins
have deflected a high percentage of all heart attacks
and strokes. We can fly nonstop to the other side of the
planet, in comfort and safety.

Why is it, then, that alcohol addiction still destroys
so many lives?

I hoped that visiting this forum would trigger some
serious help: "A lot of people take XXXXXXX, and that
solves the problem." This is a world of pill solutions,
so isn't there one for my wife?

She isn't violent or abusive, she just gets drunk every
night in the wee hours. Her "day personality" hasn't
changed. Surely other husbands have encountered the same
situation and found a solution that goes beyond "Learn
to live with it."

Hank wrote:
>
>
> Why is it, then, that alcohol addiction still destroys so many lives?
>
> I hoped that visiting this forum would trigger some serious help: "A lot
> of people take XXXXXXX, and that solves the problem." This is a world of
> pill solutions, so isn't there one for my wife?
>

That is kind of the root of the problem ? Isn;t it ?

Don't feel well ? Take a pill ?

Still don't feel better , take twice as many pills.

Addicts will consume bottles of whatever to get feeling better again.

Sad ? Have a drink. Modern therapy refers to alcoholics/addicts
as self medicating.. to cure the inner hurt...

I'm not a Dr. or a shrink. But I've been there too.

Through the years though, when asked what a problem drinker
really is ... Well ... A person who has problems because they
drink ! Job, money, relationships, health . Which of these
problems does your wife have ? Or you have ?

So .. really .. WHY DOES SHE STAY UP AND DRINK WHEN YOUR SLEEPING ?

That is fucked up. I would say avoidance is one issue !

WHY ?

WHEN DID IT START ?

WHY DOES IT CONTINUE ?

I'll take a different angle at this because it's already been said that your
wife won't get help until she decides to get help. That's the truth. But
let me add something different..



I am an insomniac. As with being an alcoholic, insomnia brings such
impressions as "weakness of will", "poor lifestyle", "improper diet" and
other failures of human character. I denied my insomnia and tried to fight
it-exhausted every day and taking sick days off of work to catch-up on my
sleep. I learned to fear and even hate the bed. The only thing that helped
me was drinking myself senseless and then crawling into bed. I couldn't
sleep without the booze and that had to change.



By this time, I knew I was an alcoholic, but I also had to admit that I was
an insomniac. Admitting "the insomnia problem" was somehow harder. For me,
it was easier to come out to friends as an alcoholic. But when it comes to
the insomnia, what are they going to say? "Great, look at what you
discovered. You need to take a pill every night to live a normal life."
And then you can almost hear them thinking, "You pussy. You can't
tough-it-out." But yes, I take a pill every night and I can work,
concentrate, and not drink.



I'm not saying that insomnia is your wife's problem; and if it is, "sleep
disorders" are a huge medical can-of-worms. You and your wife will have a
lot to learn. I am, however, saying you should face the alcohol, but you
also need to find the other issues that possibly led your wife to compound
this problem.



Best of luck,



--Devon



"Hank" <noguru@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:47ae5fba$0$22798$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
> Married 36 years, wife was active and healthy. In last
> couple of years she's slid into heavy drinking late at
> night, when I'm asleep. She'll then nap during the day.
> There is no risk of driving drunk, and with others she's
> sober. She doesn't seem depressed, and still manages the
> family's real estate competently.
>
> We have had no conflict about it. Her comment: "Yes, I
> sometimes drink too much." On a three week cruise she
> drank very little, but once we returned home she was
> back on schedule. Three hours of heavy drinking from
> 1-4AM, sleeping from 1-4PM, then up to make dinner. A
> crazy schedule, difficult life, and I feel terrible
> about it.
>
> I have no idea as to what might be done. She doesn't see
> a need to do anything at all. We love and respect each
> other, but this can ruin a long marriage.
>
> ???

Hank, Just a question for you. Are you in Al-anon? That I believe
would help you. I am a recovering alcoholic,I have been sober for 14
years. I was something like your wife,only I drank whenever it was
available.
Remember,it's not your fault. Your wife has an illness. She is
sick,mentally,and spiritally. My Alanon friends have told me,they had to
take care of theirselves,then some of their mates came along some
didn't,it up to a Higher Power, I choose to call God.
So maybe you could try Al-anon, if not just pray,pray,pray.. I will
for you, Dennis L.

I found an Alanon meeting near my office, and at
lunchtime today was the only male in attendance other
than the facilitator.

Though at the cusp of my eighth decade, I could have
bedded three of the women there including one Bette
Davis look-alike less than half my age.

Now that I know it's a sex club, I'm in!