Hello again.
Here's my "story." It's rather long, so please feel free to skip it. Also,
please let me know if this post is inappropriate.

I've been a heavy drinker since I've turned 21 (I'm 41 now). I never drank
regularly in my 20s, but when I did drink, it was until I couldn't see
straight. I functioned well enough (excellent student and employee). In my
30s, I moved to another country where I worked as a barmaid. BIG mistake. I
continued to drink heavily, but more often, although I still functioned well
enough. I seem to have built up quite a tolerance. Since about six years
ago, except for the occasional day or weekend, I've been either buzzed or
drunk every night. For the past four years, it's mostly been either a six
pack of dark beer _or_ a bottle (most recently 1 3/4 bottles) of red wine a
night--every night, even worknights. Sometimes the 1 3/4 bottle wasn't
enough, and I'd hit the beer as well. Or spirits. Sometimes I wonder why I
haven't died in my sleep.

I've been lucky in that I've never blacked out, never had a medical
emergency (God knows how I've escaped that). I'm not a morning or afternoon
drinker (I did it in the evenings and put a heck of a lot away quickly). I
_have_ put myself in numerous risky, seriously dangerous situations that I'm
too ashamed and frightened to think about. I have alienated several people
because of my behavior when drunk.

I don't know if I've hit "rock bottom," but I'm sick and tired of waking up
with a hangover (no matter what degree of hangover it is). I am terrified of
losing my faculties. And I've finally realized that my drinking has
undermined my abilities to complete a degree I've been working on for the
past four years.

I've been able to mask my problem from doctors for all of this time. I began
seeing a therapist recently. Two weeks ago I just burst out and told her
about my average alcohol intake. Anyway, I saw an MD. He's put me on a
schedule of tapering off (since finished) alongside a (very) low dosage of
clorazapam (sp? oddly enough). I've been dry now for several days.

I think the meds have helped because outside of bouts of crying and/or
irritability I seem to have done okay. But I'm afraid of what might happen
in the next ten days or so. Seizures, DTs, etc. I'm also starting to want a
drink (I don't know if it's as strong as "crave" but that might just be
semantics). I'm also afraid because I keep finding sneaky little
justifications as to why I'm not an alcoholic--but I know I am.

I'm going to phone AA now.
Thanks for reading.
All the best.
mp

mpgs wrote:
(snip)
> I'm going to phone AA now.

Good move. Congratulations. You won't regret it.

The very hardest thing will be walking into that first meeting. Don't
talk yourself out of it.

You can always walk away from AA later if it isn't for you. But if you
don't go to that first meeting, you'll never know.

On 03/02/08 09:24, mpgs wrote:
> Hello again.
> Here's my "story." It's rather long, so please feel free to skip it. Also,
> please let me know if this post is inappropriate.
>
> I've been a heavy drinker since I've turned 21 (I'm 41 now). I never drank
> regularly in my 20s, but when I did drink, it was until I couldn't see
> straight. I functioned well enough (excellent student and employee). In my
> 30s, I moved to another country where I worked as a barmaid. BIG mistake. I
> continued to drink heavily, but more often, although I still functioned well
> enough. I seem to have built up quite a tolerance. Since about six years
> ago, except for the occasional day or weekend, I've been either buzzed or
> drunk every night. For the past four years, it's mostly been either a six
> pack of dark beer _or_ a bottle (most recently 1 3/4 bottles) of red wine a
> night--every night, even worknights. Sometimes the 1 3/4 bottle wasn't
> enough, and I'd hit the beer as well. Or spirits. Sometimes I wonder why I
> haven't died in my sleep.
>
> I've been lucky in that I've never blacked out, never had a medical
> emergency (God knows how I've escaped that). I'm not a morning or afternoon
> drinker (I did it in the evenings and put a heck of a lot away quickly). I
> _have_ put myself in numerous risky, seriously dangerous situations that I'm
> too ashamed and frightened to think about. I have alienated several people
> because of my behavior when drunk.
>
> I don't know if I've hit "rock bottom," but I'm sick and tired of waking up
> with a hangover (no matter what degree of hangover it is). I am terrified of
> losing my faculties. And I've finally realized that my drinking has
> undermined my abilities to complete a degree I've been working on for the
> past four years.
>
> I've been able to mask my problem from doctors for all of this time. I began
> seeing a therapist recently. Two weeks ago I just burst out and told her
> about my average alcohol intake. Anyway, I saw an MD. He's put me on a
> schedule of tapering off (since finished) alongside a (very) low dosage of
> clorazapam (sp? oddly enough). I've been dry now for several days.
>
> I think the meds have helped because outside of bouts of crying and/or
> irritability I seem to have done okay. But I'm afraid of what might happen
> in the next ten days or so. Seizures, DTs, etc. I'm also starting to want a
> drink (I don't know if it's as strong as "crave" but that might just be
> semantics). I'm also afraid because I keep finding sneaky little
> justifications as to why I'm not an alcoholic--but I know I am.
>
> I'm going to phone AA now.
> Thanks for reading.
> All the best.
> mp

All the best to you, too, mp.

If you follow through on the AA plan, you may find, as I did, vast
contradictions between what their proclaimers say, and what's in the AA
book. Either way I would be surprised if you aren't warned about the
*YETS* at AA.

Seems to me you're fortunate in not having crossed the line into
alcoholism, where there's no choice of day or night about drinking, and
subsequent dt's (one of those dreaded "YETS") are more common.

Having crossed the line myself, the admonition to never forget the
emotional/physical anguish of my last drinking session made a lot of
sense to me. Perhaps the only valid advice I can offer you is to never,
ever, forget your last hangover before the clorazapam kicked in.

Keeping that memory alive may prove to be your best defense against
drinking out of control, losing your faculties, and much, much, more.

Bob