I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. When I first met
her, I knew she liked to party and drink but didn't think much of it. After
about six months I started to question her drinking habits and after a year
I think she might be in the early stages of having a problem.

Here are some of the things that I notice and that make me worry the most:

Once she starts drinking, she can't stop, even if she just goes out to have
one or two.

When she drinks, she just becomes a different person and turns into a
monster, big time verbally and physically abusive. The smallest things set
her off, and she has torn my clothes and broken my stuff as a result.

All her friends are heavy drinkers, and she never does anything that normal
girls do, like shopping or movies, just gets drunk with her friends.

I think she craves alcohol. Says stuff like "I can't wait to get drunk
tomorrow" or "I'm really in the mood to get drunk right now" and stuff along
those lines.

Drinks alone, like if she has a bad day.

Drinks to the point where she can't remember what happened during part of
the night, drinks and drives (has an underage drinking and driving ticket)
and is generally irresponsible while drunk.

Seems like drinking is always on her mind and she just waits for a chance to
get drunk.

I tried to talk to her about it tonight and hopefully make her realize that
she had a problem. Denial and excuses of course. Her excuse is that she
doesn't drink all the time, maybe just a few times a month now (maybe once a
week when we first met?). But I tried to explain that it doesn't matter how
often, just how you behave when you do. Am I correct, and how bad do you
think she is for a girl in her early twenties?

I really want to help her. She's a wonderful person when she doesn't drink,
and I don't want to sit around and watch her throw her life away. I
understand that it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want to help
themselves, but there must at least be a place to start. I'd appreciate any
advice I can get.

Nino Barlini wrote:

> I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. Â*When I first
> met her, I knew she liked to party and drink but didn't think much of it.
> After about six months I started to question her drinking habits and after
> a year I think she might be in the early stages of having a problem.

Other than being in the early stages it sounds as if she is well on her way.
I can only say that if you can live with the way she is (and she will
probably get worse) then so be it. I would not live with her expecting her
to change or expecting to change her. Though it sounds as if she most
definitely has a problem, it also sounds as if she is not ready to accept
that fact. Without accepting a problem, then there is nothing to change. I
wish both of you the best.

Gregg

On Sun, 13 May 2007 10:08:55 GMT, "Nino Barlini"
<nospam@earthlink.net> wrote:


>I really want to help her. She's a wonderful person when she doesn't drink,
>and I don't want to sit around and watch her throw her life away. I
>understand that it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want to help
>themselves, but there must at least be a place to start. I'd appreciate any
>advice I can get.

Nino, oh I know the pain, frustration, anger, and confusion you're
feeling all to well. My name is Kim, and I am NOT an alcoholic. I am
married to one, however, and grew up with alcoholic parents.

I am not going to go deeply into the details of the last two years of
life with my alcoholic spouse, just give you the bare bones: a little
over two years ago, he hit what I thought was bottom. His drinking
was out of control, he was drunk most of the time, getting money by
giving blood or pawning things because I gave him none.

One night he woke me up saying he had just taken an overdose of all
his medications in addition to drinking as much booze as possible and
that he'd be dead soon. I tried calling 911 but he attacked me to
prevent me from making the call. I was able to get the call through,
and he was taken away. Blood alcohol level of .43; he should have
been dead.

Thus began a two year ride with through "the system": he was put into
treatment, then had to leave due to our insurance coverage, he came
home & began drinking again. I threw him out, he went to stay with a
drinking buddy, tried to kill himself again, got committed by the
county, and for all of 2006 was in mental health wards in hospitals,
treatment centers, halfway houses, or here at home. But no matter
what help was offered to him, no matter how much support and love I,
along with his family and friends offered to him, no matter what, HE
RETURNED TO THE BOOZE EVERYTIME! He is a drunk, plain and simple, and
nothing anyone else said or did made any difference.

THERE IS NO PLACE YOU CAN START TO HELP YOUR GIRLFRIEND GET SOBER.
None, zip, zero. I am being brutally honest here. After 20 years of
living with my spouse, in addition to the years of growing up with
drunks everywhere, I have finally learned this. A drunk can ONLY GET
SOBER WHEN THEY WANT TO.

That is the simple truth. The alcoholics in this group who are in
recovery will tell you this as well. Well, I am confirming it for you
from the perspective you are coming from, as a concerned and loving
person who is in love with an alcoholic.

You can do nothing to help your girlfriend stop drinking. In fact,
the best thing you can do for her is to stop pestering her about it
and let her live her life. Let her drink and face the consequences of
her drinking, which might mean losing you. Alcoholics have told me
the best thing that happened to them is when the people around them
stopped shielding them from the consequences of their drinking,
stopped saving them, stopping "helping" them, and let them go on alone
to face the music. Only when an alcoholic hits bottom AND make the
choice to seek help to get sober do they have any chance at getting
and staying sober.

I know it is hard to hear this. I know it is hard not to want to
help, to do something, say something, make demands, etc. I sometimes
still do it, despite years of trying to unlearn this behavior.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting, there you will meet people like us. People
who have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic and who need help
dealing with that fact. Do not go expecting them to tell you how to
help the alcoholic in your life; they won't. What they will do is
teach you how to face life with alcoholism in a loved one and how you
can take care of yourself.

That is all you can do.


Kim/Dreamspinner3
Parrot Nannies of Minnesota Inc:
http://parrotnanniesmn.com/
Personal Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/

Bottom line she has a problem. Physical abuse and ect. Is very bad. She
needs help now. I can go on and on but the bottom line is she has to
stop and gret help. Good luck

Thanks for the help guys.

Well tonight I think was the last straw. We went to her mom's mothers day
get together, and afterwards (at 3pm!) her and her sister wanted to stop at
the bar for what they promised was just a quick drink and game of pool.
That turned into three hours, three pitchers of beer and a number of shots.
When we went back to her place, she just started the usually verbal abuse as
usual, bringing me down and making me feel like a crappy person, and I just
stood up and walked out. Haven't returned her calls yet. Don't know if I
want to.

You should go your seperate way.

Sorry, she is a monster....the drink is the key that unlocks her cage.

Henry

"Nino Barlini" <nospam@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:XsB1i.9386$Ut6.3307@newsread1.news.pas.earthl ink.net...
> I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. When I first
> met her, I knew she liked to party and drink but didn't think much of it.
> After about six months I started to question her drinking habits and after
> a year I think she might be in the early stages of having a problem.
>
> Here are some of the things that I notice and that make me worry the most:
>
> Once she starts drinking, she can't stop, even if she just goes out to
> have one or two.
>
> When she drinks, she just becomes a different person and turns into a
> monster, big time verbally and physically abusive. The smallest things
> set her off, and she has torn my clothes and broken my stuff as a result.
>
> All her friends are heavy drinkers, and she never does anything that
> normal girls do, like shopping or movies, just gets drunk with her
> friends.
>
> I think she craves alcohol. Says stuff like "I can't wait to get drunk
> tomorrow" or "I'm really in the mood to get drunk right now" and stuff
> along those lines.
>
> Drinks alone, like if she has a bad day.
>
> Drinks to the point where she can't remember what happened during part of
> the night, drinks and drives (has an underage drinking and driving ticket)
> and is generally irresponsible while drunk.
>
> Seems like drinking is always on her mind and she just waits for a chance
> to get drunk.
>
> I tried to talk to her about it tonight and hopefully make her realize
> that she had a problem. Denial and excuses of course. Her excuse is that
> she doesn't drink all the time, maybe just a few times a month now (maybe
> once a week when we first met?). But I tried to explain that it doesn't
> matter how often, just how you behave when you do. Am I correct, and how
> bad do you think she is for a girl in her early twenties?
>
> I really want to help her. She's a wonderful person when she doesn't
> drink, and I don't want to sit around and watch her throw her life away. I
> understand that it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want to help
> themselves, but there must at least be a place to start. I'd appreciate
> any advice I can get.
>

On May 13, 6:08 am, "Nino Barlini" <nos...@earthlink.net> wrote:
> I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. When I first met
> her, I knew she liked to party and drink but didn't think much of it. After
> about six months I started to question her drinking habits and after a year
> I think she might be in the early stages of having a problem.
>
> Here are some of the things that I notice and that make me worry the most:
>
> Once she starts drinking, she can't stop, even if she just goes out to have
> one or two.
>
> When she drinks, she just becomes a different person and turns into a
> monster, big time verbally and physically abusive. The smallest things set
> her off, and she has torn my clothes and broken my stuff as a result.
>
> All her friends are heavy drinkers, and she never does anything that normal
> girls do, like shopping or movies, just gets drunk with her friends.
>
> I think she craves alcohol. Says stuff like "I can't wait to get drunk
> tomorrow" or "I'm really in the mood to get drunk right now" and stuff along
> those lines.
>
> Drinks alone, like if she has a bad day.
>
> Drinks to the point where she can't remember what happened during part of
> the night, drinks and drives (has an underage drinking and driving ticket)
> and is generally irresponsible while drunk.
>
> Seems like drinking is always on her mind and she just waits for a chance to
> get drunk.
>
> I tried to talk to her about it tonight and hopefully make her realize that
> she had a problem. Denial and excuses of course. Her excuse is that she
> doesn't drink all the time, maybe just a few times a month now (maybe once a
> week when we first met?). But I tried to explain that it doesn't matter how
> often, just how you behave when you do. Am I correct, and how bad do you
> think she is for a girl in her early twenties?
>
> I really want to help her. She's a wonderful person when she doesn't drink,
> and I don't want to sit around and watch her throw her life away. I
> understand that it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want to help
> themselves, but there must at least be a place to start. I'd appreciate any
> advice I can get.

Here are questions that I would consider: 1. Does she drink even
when she says she won't? 2. Does it interfere with her life and her
ability to live it? These are the two issues that one considers when
'getting honest' about whether they are an addict/alcoholic -
powerlessness and unmanageability. If either or both answers are YES,
then she probably has a problem.

The issue, in the end, is not about drinking. It's about who she
is being with and without drinking (or using or gambling or
whatever). [I will use the word addict because it describes a larger
yet homogenous population which includes those addicted to alcohol,
gambling, drugs, sex, etc...]. In essence, an addict is anyone who
tries to change something on the inside with something from the
outside. There is a hidden component in that definition: usually
they are not just trying to change something, they are trying to fix
it - thus the feeling of being broken or not good enough is a common
theme of those who suffer this disease.

It is important to get that it is a disease. It is not her
fault. She can't stop. From what you said, she can't stop thinking
about it (obsession) and she acts out regularly on those thoughts
(compulsion). She has lost her connection with her innate worth and
value, which is really a loss of her spiritual self. That is what the
Narcotics Anonymous literature defines as an addict.

How can you help? Well, honestly, you are powerless over her
choices. And this disease will make your life unmanageable too,
through her, if you let it. Addiction is a disease that has a HUGE
impact on those we love.

So what do you do? You can do an intervention. There are plenty
of great resources for that - and maybe she will go to treatment and
into recovery. (you can email me for more info if you are interested)

Beyond that, here's what has been my experience, as a recovering
addict who has family members still caught in the grips of the
disease: transformation of the world begins with me. As I am
transformed, as I create myself as cause in my own life, I become the
space for others to do the same. The 12-steps totally apply to you
too - You are powerless over her drinking and your life is becoming
unmanageable. Only a power greater than yourself can relieve the
insanity of her disease... I don't generally give advice. Because my
decision-making skills racked up 24 years of active addiction. Here
are your options as I see them - accept her for who she is being and
is not being and stay with her OR accept her for who she is being and
is not being and leave. Why do you have to accept who she is being?
Because you are powerless over her. Because not to do so will create
inner unmanageabiltiy - conflict and resistence - for you. Because it
is not who she is, it is only who she is being. Because you matter
and you make a difference in the world - by creating peace, love,
acceptance in your life, you have created more peace, love, acceptance
in the world. It begins with you. There is nothing that you can do
that will overcome what she will not do. If she does not want
treatment, if she won't even try, you have an obligation to create
your life as you would have it. That does not mean give up on her as
a person. But perhaps as your mate for right now.

"Nino Barlini" <nospam@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:TtS1i.9770$Ut6.9520@newsread1.news.pas.earthl ink.net...
> Thanks for the help guys.
>
> Well tonight I think was the last straw. We went to her mom's mothers day
> get together, and afterwards (at 3pm!) her and her sister wanted to stop
> at the bar for what they promised was just a quick drink and game of pool.
> That turned into three hours, three pitchers of beer and a number of
> shots. When we went back to her place, she just started the usually verbal
> abuse as usual, bringing me down and making me feel like a crappy person,
> and I just stood up and walked out. Haven't returned her calls yet. Don't
> know if I want to.

Yar, I thought having a partner meant intimacy, fun, and fulfillment. Why
hang in if you are receiving abuse? That's not normal or healthy my boy.