Received the following letter (used with permission) from a list
member.

Hi V: "I am a lurker and haven't posted yet. I am reading your recent
message about finding peace. I think that when I have peace I
deliberately do something to mess things up. I think I get bored when
there is peace. I think it is related to the cortisol thing you talked
about. I got to used to having one crisis after another that I don't
know how to live peacefully now and go do something to create a crisis,
like over spend, get another pet etc. Will you post on this topic if
you have something to say about it?" (end of letter)


*********** REPLY SEPARATOR ***********


V:


First let me say that any recovery I received from these lists came
from writing not lurking, so hope you start writing today. We need to
write our own inventory work and not just read others inventory.
Putting our complaints down on pen and paper first crystallizes in our
heads what needs to be changed or accepted in our lives. Getting it all
out and putting it all down is the first start of this recognition
process that leads us to recovery. Without this recognition, that we
are sick or something is wrong in our lives, we cannot develop the
desire for change. We don't even know what is wrong to change! Writing
your complaints down is the first start to making the roadmap for
restructuring your life. Restructuring our lives is very important if
we want to get peace from our addictions. Those things that cannot be
restructured need to be accepted. Either way we can find peace -- by
change or acceptance.

You mentioned you seem to destroy the peace or deliberately try to mess
things up in your life. A similar topic recently came up at a meeting
under the title of "the insanity of addiction." I view this subject
from a different perspective than most addicts did at that meeting. You
see, there is a reason to our madness - it is not just pure madness as
most addicts think. (If you missed my earlier post "7 benefits
addictions provide addicts" and want a copy write me.) All our
addictions have pleasure aspects within them and we get rewards for
participating in them in the form of euphoric experiences. Euphoric
experience can be related to the spiritual as well. The definition of a
religious mystic is one that partakes in an altered state of
conciseness with God / god or the spiritual realm. Well, our addictions
also give us this altered state of consciousness and feeling of
euphoria. So, we can say that our drugs are our gods and our addiction
is our religion.

I can only comment on this process of self destruction or self sabotage
from my own experience with it. Some people have mental problems that
cause them to do self mutilation of their body and this an area I have
no experience with. This is an area where I think people hurt
themselves on purpose and requires more insanity than the addict
seeking to escape life though some pleasure vehicle. If we were
addicted to hitting ourselves in the head with a hammer or stabbing
ourselves in the stomach with a knife - that is insane behavior, much
more so than overeating, drinking or compulsive spending. You see for
me, if the destructive behavior offers no pleasure aspect, then I am
not interested in it. Almost always the same things we say sabotage or
hurt our program can provide pleasure aspects in them as well. So, we
usually have an excuse to our insanity as to why we mess thing up along
the way. We are partaking in these areas with the hope that we will
gain some pleasure.

Personally, I can seldom recall when I felt I was deliberately seeking
to mess things up in my life, as the pleasure fantasy was more in
control of my mind at the time than the idea that I am working against
myself to hurt me. I would always think along the lines of "I'm in
control and how much can I get away with?" My motivation for doing
things that hurt me has always been based in seeking pleasure first.
This is called putting passion before reason. BTW, Plato defined "law"
as reason without passion. Both these areas of passion and reason where
the foundation of much philosophical discussion of ethics and virtue
with the ancient Greeks. They knew when passion rules the mind that
reason is given the task of finding cleaver ways to satisfy the
passions and sensual desires. When our minds are occupied with too much
wreckage of the past, too many problems and complexities and out of
control passions then there is little room left in it for reasoning.
This is why addicts are notoriously bad decision makers. Once I cleaned
up my mind, which took many years, my decision making abilities
improved 80% to 90%.

For instance, when we eat some ice cream we think of pleasure first,
but as an overeater polishes off the half gallon and has much pain in
their sinuses and a frozen mouth this was not on their mind when they
took the first bite...they were thinking of pleasure not pain. You
mentioned buying too many pets? Whenever we think about buying
something we are usually fixated on the fantasy more so than the
reality of can we afford it or do we have earmarked space for it and
comfortable time and energy to manage and upkeep it? Pets can bring us
joy or happiness but can also bring us more complexities and problems
as well. Everything in life is impermanent as the Buddhist say and
everything in life has components of pleasure and pain in them as well
due to this impermanence. If things were permanent our pleasure from
eating ice cream would be the same whether it was from the first
spoonful or the tenth gallon of it.

I used my addictions as distraction from living life and dealing with
problems and as artificial ways to relieve pain. I've abused these pain
relievers so that now they are pain generators in my life. Isn't it
much easier to fantasize about something else than stay in the hear and
now? I try and catch myself when I practice this escapism and work to
bring my thoughts back to the present. Whenever the fantasy starts I
check to see what I am escaping from? Why do I fixate on something else
instead of where I'm at? Practicing mindfulness of the present moment
as part of a Buddhist practice has helped and working 12 step programs
to repair the damage and balance my life has also helped. Writing to
support groups and doing personal inventory is another useful recovery
tool to help one keep on track as well as working with sponsor.

Every one of my addictions has pleasure aspects in them...they are not
all pure hell or all pure pleasure but a blend of these qualities. It
feels good to get drunk and drugged up or spend money and acquire
things or eat junk foods or have sex or even blow up in rage once in a
while. But, when the addict takes these to excess they produce more
pain than they do pleasure. Again, all these addiction areas give us an
altered state of consciousness. I remember when my kid was a toddler he
would like to spin around until he fell down from dizziness - he
enjoyed being in this altered state. Glad he did not carry this over to
drugs now that he is 18. One person mentioned how profanity provides a
release denied even by prayer, so for some of us having a rage attack
can provides some pleasure - but is also leaves us a shaking mess. But,
once we experience a change in our path of living and we see we can
derive pleasure from other areas that are healthy and sustainable we
can see there is a choice in how we live. When we find more pleasure in
staying abstinent, sober solvent and sane we have turned the corner and
are home.

Each of us are different and some us get bored easier or require more
"action" in life. I once saw a kung fu movie about a Buddhist monk that
said he like to eat meat, drink wine and have good fight. Well, all
three actions are against the Buddhist tradition, but he was still
working on being a monk and was a good fighter as well. The moral of
this story is this; we can work towards perfection and be pointed in
the right direction with recovery or our spiritual life even though we
never quite arrive at this ideal state of being perfect. I think it is
best summed up by what one writer penned "most people want to be good -
just not too good and not all the time."

Personally, I like spiritual ways and recovery work but am not perfect
in these areas nor try to be 100% dedicated in these ways and like some
"action" as well in life. On the other hand, I cannot be devoid of my
spiritual and recovery ways in my daily life or I will succumb to my
old ways, so it takes balance. My areas of action might not be along
the lines of getting drunk or taking drugs or even gambling per se. But
living life can be a gamble sometimes. Instead of speculative gambling,
maybe I gamble and find "positive action" with riding my dirt bike or
doing some rock climbing now. Living a life devoid of excitement is not
my thing, nor is dealing with all the old excitement my addictions used
to create. This is why I write about such a wide range of recovery
issues. I need constant contact with these concepts, as my normal way
is to live life in the oopisite direction that I write about if I gave
it no thought. The bottom line now is that my recovery work is more
perfect than it is not perfect and provides me with satisfactory
results or I would not be writing about the topics I do write on.

With the addictions I have to participate in on a daily basis such as
sex, food, spending and clutter I allow myself a recovery cushion l. I
don't seek to be 100% perfect with sex, food, sending and clutter, but
try to be 80% to 90% perfect. With taking drugs, getting drunk or
speculative gambling I can shoot for 100% perfection. Even with rage as
well, although there are levels of rage and rage is really tough to
define as 100%. You can see this when one person says stop screaming at
me and the other person says I am not screaming? All tough business to
deal with because judgments have to be made and where judgments have to
be made mistakes can and will happen. We are all sensation addicts on
one sort or another. Whether we like physical or mental sensation we
try and get it and abuse it.

One fellow in SA mentioned how he literally pounded his head with his
fists to punish himself for catching a glimpse of a woman getting out
of a car one day, yelling at himself "What the hell are you looking
for?" Well, looking at women produces pleasure chemicals in the brain
of man, so it was a simple question to answer - he was looking for
pleasure that is what he was looking for...all natural desires. Nothing
different from getting excited over a glimpse of cake or ice cream or
excited over the next compulsive purchase. We all are visual people and
through the senses addicts participate in their sensation addiction one
way or another. Running a program where you feel ashamed or guilty for
having natural feelings is not a program that you will ever find any
peace in.

This is why I left SA and joined SCA where sex is viewed as a gift from
God and the question is not along the lines of "Did I have a sexual
thought...then I am a bad person." The question is more like "Did I
use sex in a destructive way that is placing unreasonable demands on my
time and energy, placing me in legal jeopardy or endanger my mental,
physical or spiritual health?" Big difference in my peace quotient just
by switching programs. Always remember to check out all avenues of
recovery and if you have a few options with different programs check
them all out for the best fit. SA serves a purpose for some sex
addicts, but I prefer other "S" programs for my own recovery work.
Remember, it is not the thought that is so important, it is the emotion
that accompanies the thought. Triggers are all around us, but WE have
to be the one to pull the trigger and emotions provide the pulling
leverage. The way our minds work is not in a vacuum, so it generates
many types of thoughts but, it is us and our emotions that latch onto
these thoughts and chew them up to acidify and corrode ourselves with.

Now, a lady wrote me once and said she was in a fury sometimes cause
her second husband was so peaceful and she was not. Her first hubby was
an addict and caused all sorts of trouble and she seemed to miss it.
Sometimes this boils down to what Lincoln had to say about happiness ~
"We are as happy as we want to be." I told her she should be grateful
at least one spouse in the marriage had some peace and to try and find
out how he achieves it and practice this in her own program. But in
reality, we are all different and have different capabilities. Just
because one person has it there is no guarantee they can transmit what
they have to another. This lady has to develop a burning desire within
to be at peace and no on can instill desire within another person
except the person themselves. We can get conditioned to our behavior
and forget what is right or wrong after we have done it for so long.
Here is what Socrates says about this: "To be exposed to discord
continually is to condition the soul to be at home with discord and to
be at home with that which is not harmonious and therefore true."
Philosophy Professor D. N. Robinson of Georgetown commented on this
quote: "This conditioning makes us comfortable with that which is false
and we become indifferent to the truth."

Early on in my recovery career I had to learn how to be comfortable
with my new life. Again if we go back to Socrates statement: "To be
exposed to discord continually is to condition the soul to be at home
with discord and to be at home with that which is not harmonious and
therefore true," I can see this in my own transformation from sick to
better. When I first started to see progress with my clutter I was
uncomfortable with a few square feet of bare carpet or a few feet of
exposed baseboard. They had been packed with clutter for so many years
that it seems abnormal to have them back out in the open. When I got my
bills paid off in DA, I posted once how I was boringly going along
paying bills and living a life devoid of drama...this is what the 12
and 12 talks about on pages 122-125 when it discusses living right
size. It didn't quite seem right that there was no problems but
gradually I learned that this is how it should be. Now, I whole
heatedly seek to relieve my problems as I can see how they destroy my
peace. As my post said I put peace first when it comes to my life and
programs. But I must give myself room for mistakes and if I expect 100%
perfection with this I am in for a rude awakening because judgments
have to be made and where judgments have to be made mistakes can and
will happen

Here is a passage from my "Putting Peace First" post (if you missed it
and want a copy write me.) It talks about attachment. Previously I
wrote how attachment to material things can be bad way to define our
self worth. When we are defined by material things our peace will be
fragile and elusive because it is always based on externals. If we lose
these artificial external causes of our happiness and self worth we
have nothing left within us to fall back on...all our self worth was
store bought. This is why people that sometimes have huge financial
losses kill themselves. All their self worth was locked up in the
bank...nothing left inside them to live for. In contrast, when a person
bases their self worth, happiness and peace on internals they can carry
it with them whether they go up or down the financial ladder and still
posses it even if striped naked. It is deeply rooted and inseparable
from who they are. They do not confuse their self worth with their net
worth. In this quote I recommend becoming attached to your recovery
program and using it as a positive attachment and extension of
yourself.

"The Buddhists caution us to not get attached to ideas themselves so
they say to guard against clinging or attaching to the doctrine of
attachment itself or any of the other Buddhist teachings as well. I
will say that if you can get attached to a successful recovery program
by investing your time and energies and this program is ultimately
expressed as an extension of your self and it becomes to define
yourself, then you will be mindful of anything that starts to chip away
at this extension and feel it as an injustice to your very being when
it happens. The hard-core Buddhists would not approve of such an
"attachment" idea, but few Buddhists are perfect anyway and addicts
definitely cannot afford to be perfect, so I mention it as a recovery
option. This is how I do it, my investment in building recovery and in
building a strong and healthy body defines who I am to myself and I am
keenly aware of anything that affects it. This idea is not an end all,
it is only one part of the whole. This idea of investment and
definition must be coupled with working the 12 steps as well as
repairing the wreckage of the past and living within our comfortable
means, and is just another part of my program that I build upon." (end
of quote)

As far as boredom and wanting to stir up trouble and disturb the peace?
Boredom is a big cause of our looking for action or problems to
generate. Action in life is the same as sex. We are all different and
require different amounts of it for happiness. It is important that if
we require a lot of action in life for our happiness and contentment we
get it from healthy and sustainable sources and not destructive ones.
I'm an ADD of a very high degree and require many positive time filers
to occupy me or I will get into trouble if left to my old habits.
Developing a list of positive time fillers was a big help with many of
my addictive areas. As Thoreau wrote in Walden , "The devil finds work
for idle hands." Before heading in this new direction, most of my time
was occupied by what to buy next, overeating rich foods and getting fat
and when I wanted a break from that I had a picnic basket of other
addictive areas to get drugged up with. Most of my new activities are
sport or movement related as they also serve the purposes of helping
with my overeating disease and have the added benefit of improved
health and don't produce clutter like some hobbies do. In addition they
help with depression, balance and equilibrium and brain functioning and
provide much excitement and action.

Other areas of importance are those activities that relax our minds or
stimulate them for healthy growth potential. Bottom line: is the
activity pleasing to us, healthy, nurturing and sustainable? You can
also use the SCA guidelines for any questions about the activity: is
the activity placing unreasonable demands on my time and energy, will
it place me in legal jeopardy or endanger my mental, physical or
spiritual health? Remember, as Jack LaLane said, exercise and eating
healthy, natural foods are the King and Queen of good health. If you
hate to move and hate to eat well, then do as he also said; "I
developed a liking for things that are good for me." Good body heath is
very important to good mental health and if our mental health is poor
we can make poor choices.

If you don't want to move your body in the sports areas, try being a
volunteer or whatever, as long as it is not practicing your addiction
and harmful to you. Now I have much to look forward to in life for
activities or rewards that do not involve compulsive spending,
overeating, gambling, getting drugged up, drunk or constantly hungering
after sex and other sensation stimuli. Activities to occupy yourself
that don't revolve around spending or your other addictive areas only
go so far in recovery though. You also have to be careful to take time
to relax and not escape life through activity. 12 Step work, reducing
stress, repairing the wreckage of the past and living a balanced life
all contribute to heading in the right recovery direction.

I've enclosed a few of some of my activities below for your perusal.
Also be careful you don't find another excuse to compulsively spend
with each new activity or sport you take up. That is something I have
to watch.

Partial List of My Positive Time Filling Activities:

Hiking, Mountain Bike, Climbing Gym and Rock Climbing, Basketball,
Rollerblading, Trial Running, Jet Skiing, Racquetball, Swim, Sun Bath,
Fishing, Canoeing, Skateboarding, Weight Training, Target Shooting,
Camping, Jogging, Motorcycle, Snowshoe, Downhill Skiing, XC Skiing,
Yoga, Massage, Meditation, Dirt Bike, Free Lectures and Movies at a
Local University, Snow Tubing, Snorkeling / Scuba, Napping or Relaxing
in a Hammock, Bar B Q, Picnics, Library, Spiritual Studies, Free
Musical Events and Concerts, Church Services, Scenic Seasonal Car
Trips, Travel.

The 12 and 12 of AA discusses "leeway or deviation" in a recovery
program when it discusses Tradition 1 on pages 129 to 131. "The AA
member has to conform to the principles of recovery. His life actually
depends upon obedience to spiritual principles. If he deviates too far,
the penalty is swift and sure. At first he goes along because he must,
but later he discovers a way of life he really wants to live. Moreover
he finds he cannot keep this priceless gift unless he gives it away."
This quote says we have some leeway with our recovery, but must still
be mindful of the boundaries we must not cross if we are to keep our
recovery intact. So we can find hope in the program for some freedom to
find a recovery plan that will fit us as an individual. The quote also
mentions the importance of giving our program away...something the
lurker obviously does not do, at least via online recovery lists. I
work Step 12 and Tradition 5 in all my programs so I constantly give
away my program to others to keep it fresh and strong within me. As I
give, my own program gets strengthened.

Personally I am only at peace 80% to 90% of the time and that is *if* I
am working my program. And if not working a good program my peace falls
to nil. Be cautious of the blissninny that say they are at peace 100%
of the time and nothing ever disturbs their tranquility. I've never met
one of these 100%'ers in my life but have met a few blissninnys along
my 30 year 12 step path, so work towards perfection but don't be
disturbed if you never get there. The benefits of sticking around the
program so long are that you can see how people turn out with their
recovery - you see what works and what doesn't. Let me paraphrase
Professor Robinson again for this subject of peace and serenity. In
lecture on virtue and ethics he mentioned, "We develop virtue by
practicing being virtuous or morally excellent 7 days a week and each
day being better than the day before -- in other words we make it a
habit of being virtuous." It is the same with peace. We realize that
all our actions have consequences and many or our action are producing
consequences that are destroying our peace. We can then point ourselves
in this new direction and everything we do or don't do is oriented from
this thought of how will my actions affect my peace? Will my actions
promote peace within me or destroy my peace?

My suggestion is to not be so hard on yourself and see what the
recovery trend is. Are things getting better or worse in your life?
Have you frozen the addiction or is it expanding or decreasing? If
things are getting better slowly but surely then give it time, if not
then work harder in the direction of recovery...just do it in a
balanced way. If you find you are hurting yourself in ways that have
no pleasure aspects to them at all and destroying your life on purpose,
then seek out some therapy in addition to your addiction recovery work.
In any case, I hope you start writing to the lists as writing made all
the difference in my own recovery work.

Here is an old Buddhist story about Shrona and the importance of
balance. (Story is greatly shortened)

Shrona, an ascetic, walked the path to enlightenment so hard that
finally his feet bled. An enlightened being having compassion for his
told him that if the strings of a harp are strung too tight or too
loose, it will not produce music. The strings must be adjusted just
right. Training for enlightenment is similar to adjusting the strings
of a harp. We cannot attain enlightenment if we stretch the strings of
our mind too loosely or to tight.

"Attain Deliverance in Disturbances" - Ancient Zen Master


Good Luck,





V (Male)


For free access to my earlier posts on voluntary simplicity, compulsive
spending, debting, compulsive overeating and clutter write:
vfr44@aol.com. Any opinion expressed here is that of my own and is not
the opinion, recommendation or belief of any group or organization.