(...) writes:

Thank you V for that share. Not too long ago I was that angry lady
that snapped at anyone for any reason. Thinking back now I was such a
miserable person. As I was reading your post I thought how many times
I created scenes like that and just hollered and hooted and caused
chaos. I prefer the inner peace that I am finding when I work the
steps and commit my day to others and my HP. The calm and serenity
that I feel is so much nicer than the turmoil that I was living with
before my program. Thank you for your share in helping me to see that
I have changed my ways and have peace in my life, for today.


*********** REPLY SEPARATOR ***********


V writes:

I received the above email (used with permission) in response to an
earlier post I sent in about tools of anger management I used with a
neighbor lady last week. It is nice to hear about the success of
others and how they have changed their life through applying principles
of peace and recovery. Her letter reminded me on another post I wrote a
few years ago called: No reason to get mad...once a recovery program
becomes truth based instead of ego based. All the mail I receive is not
supportive mail by any means. But I always look at it critically and as
if a sponsor wrote it to see what truth it holds. Once we take our ego
out of the equation and stick to principles we can help let go of the
rage and anger. We become truth based and eagerly seek out truth and
adopt it instead of being stuck and attached to erroneous ego based
prejudices.



"No reason to get mad...once a recovery program becomes truth based
instead of ego based."


A few comments regarding my posts from anonymous addicts:

"I got mad when I read you post V, but after I thought about it I
realized you were right and it was the truth."

"I was angry over what you wrote V, but I figured out it was because
its the truth and it's hard to face the truth."

"Sometimes I don't like your posts V and get mad when I read them, but
then see the truth in your statements and realize that this anger is my
problem and is not caused by you as you were right."

"I don't read 99% of your posts V because you are too preachy and
judgmental and your posts are too long. You seldom us the word *I* and
you work a program of bossing others around rather than sharing ESH."

"Some things you say are true V, but I don't swallow most of it."

"Are you a professor V...all you do is lecture people?"

"Your posts are a little 'over the top' and everyone can't just do as
you do V."

And last but not least, one of my all time favorites...

"Most surely V your "gurism" does attract a following of those of an
equally co-dependent nature as yourslef. But, what would happen if you
came from the point of your heart/mind? What would happen if you
expressed and shared your own recovery experiences WORKING the steps?
What would happen if you were to follow the guidelines? What would you
lose and why? What would you gain and why? What would happen if you
were to step off the lecture podium and work? And why?"


V responds:

Well, I can assure the last critic I do work on recovery a good bit.
Maybe I do not work on it as much as some do and to take her words,
"most surely" I do not do enough in this department to please her. But,
the point with recovery is not to do recovery work to please others,
but to practice recovery principles to please only our OWN recovery
program and thus please ourselves with our efforts. So always remember,
we don't have to please the critics with our recovery work...we only
have to please our program which in turn will please ourselves. No, I
am not a professor and remember the word "lecture" has two meanings.
One meaning is "a long, tedious reprimand" and the other meaning of
lecture is "to transfer information." I hope my posts fit into the
later category and transfer to you how I work my recovery programs.

There is nothing to get angry about in my posts nor in anyone else's
posts for that matter. So don't let me disturb your peace with what I
write about. When we get mad at what others write we are saying that
they do not have a right to their own opinion. In short, we are
dictating to the world that every opinion must revolve around our own
feelings and we are setting up ourselves up as gods when we disallow
others their right to think as they do whether they be right or wrong
in their thoughts. We are ALL entitled to our OWN opinions are we not?
And if my posts are too long for you then my feelings will not be hurt
nor my program affected in any way if you do not read my posts. I can
assure you that successful recovery work is much harder than reading a
3 or 4 page post. "Half measures availed us nothing" What I write is a
road map or record for me to remember how I achieved what I have and
whatever length in pages it takes to create this map is what it takes.
I post to crystallize my thoughts and to refresh my program. I also use
my writing to possibly help others to achieve a similar level of
recovery in their own lives - if they want it.

What I write about is not being forced on you my any means. Recovery
can never be forced on another. Just as enlightenment can never be
forced or bought and must come from within a person, so it goes with
recovery work. Sometimes we can suffer from fits of entitlement and
imagine there is discrimination where there is no discrimination. I
seldom write to addicts personally other than to answer mail. When I
email my posts they go to 150,000+ people on over 50 lists and forums
all around the world. So don't take them personally, they are not
intended only for you. Many an addict thinks the world revolves around
themselves. I discussed this in an earlier post called 'The All About
You Syndrome.' Entitlement, expectations and delusions of grandeur seem
to be at work here. I suffer from these as well sometimes, so don't
feel bad. But to think that everything I write or think has to match
what you think and approve of is unrealistic. For if I thought just as
you thought and wrote just as you wished I would be a carbon copy of
your program and not my own program. Just as all the other addicts and
persons in the world would have to be to agreement with your ideas to
receive your approval as well. No diversity that way in recovery,
especially if you happen to be an unrecovered, sick addict - then we
would all be in the same boat - thinking just as the sick addict
thinks. No, egocentricity is not good recovery and we need to be open
to others ideas and embrace them as nourishment for your growth and
sustenance for life as no one person is god.

A tool that serves me well is to practice "Live and Let Live" which
reminds me of accepting balance and diversity in the world and also
governs the law that states; just as I enjoy the right to do and exist
as I like, this freedom must be extended to others as well if I am to
enjoy it. This relationship of interdependent balance can best be
visualized in the 3 corners of a triangle which represents the
spiritual realm, other persons and ourselves At the top goes God /
Higher Power / Buddha / The Dharma / Nature / Karma or whatever you
choose as the unseen force behind all. In any case it is a higher power
than yourself ... as you cannot be in two places at once! On the
bottom right corner of the triangle goes other people. On the left
bottom corner of the triangle goes yourself. Keeping this relationship
in harmonious balance helps develop compassion for others and humility
within ourselves. We learn to think about others and the spirit as well
as our own needs and we can then see we are all interdependent and not
independent with all. Once you see this balance you will realize that
we all share the same breath and no need to practice hatred or develop
ill will towards others. It is much better to develop compassion for
others. For as we develop compassion for others we develop peace
within. This also helps me with keeping an open mind for peace
generators in my life. As such, I practice from many religious and
spiritual traditions without problems or prejudices and readily look
for such gifts irrespective of what label they come under. And whether
you "swallow" some of what I say or none of it does not matter in the
least, for you can find tools of peace all around you just as you can
find tools for failure as well. Do as the program suggests and take
what you want and take only that which serves your recovery. No reason
to feel you have to be force fed and have to swallow it all.

The truth can be hard to take sometimes, but also realize this - no one
can force the truth on you to make you do anything against your wishes.
Many times addicts are fearful of loss as AA's 12 & 12 mentions on page
76; "The chief activator of our defects has been a self-centered
fear-primarily that we would lose something we already possessed or
would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of
unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and
frustrations Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a
means of reducing these demands." Well, I can assure you that nothing I
write will rob you of your addictions - they are just words. And, even
though these words represent ideas, in the end knowledge without
application is useless. To change your life requires actions and not
just lip or pen service. So whether something is true or not true, no
one can force it on you...other than nature that is. An area of clarity
that can help in this area of accepting truth is to learn if our
program is ego based or a truth based program. The ego based
personality rejects truth and is not thankful for hearing the truth and
fights it. Since they are ego based, whatever truth they perceive must
originate or at least mirror their ego's beliefs within themselves for
them to accept it. The truth based personality does just the opposite.
They are thankful for the truth wherever they find it and readily
adopts it as soon as they learn of it.

As they say in philosophy circles, "The contemplative mind finds its
joy in discovering the truth." To give you a clue on how I operate, I
spend a lot of time in contemplation and looking for truth. So looking
within and being open, honest and willing to change is a good start to
becoming truth based in your life and in your recovery work. But even
with the best intentions the acceptance of the truth sometimes takes
time. Some addicts adopt truth later rather than sooner, but they work
to adopt it none the same. This can be seen in some of the quotes above
where the truth has taken some time to sink in with these addicts. I
try to base my posts on truth or principles rather than personalties.
The truth is that which does not change - whereas personalties
constantly change. In the end, all you have to do is to please
yourself, you don't have to please me or anyone else. If your
addictions make you happy then no one will take them away from you,
other than yourself, so have no fear. I am not a preacher or here to
save your souls - I am here for myself first and you as a distant
second. This is what is meant by the phrase "selfish program" when it
comes to 12 step work. If we do not put ourselves first, then who will?


What I write about are mainly universal truth so they apply to ALL
addicts that seek recovery, so I don't play the game of wording my
posts as certain addicts wish them to be worded. I will include an old
post about this subject of "universal application" after this letter.
As I mentioned before, recovery is a choice just as addiction is a
choice. Some will disagree and say no one chooses addiction, but the
truth is every choice we make in life either supports recovery or
furthers addiction - so the path is laid out for us in these two
directions. As far as my not sharing any ESH? (Experience, Strength
and Hope) The issue of not finding ESH in my posts stems from your own
personal prejudices and blindness and not from a lack of willingness on
my part to share any ESH. All problems are created in the mind and
these are just such problems that are created in your mind and bother
you but do not bother me. You have to come to peace with them for
yourself...I am already at peace. This mystery of finding the phantom
ESH within my posts can best be answered with a famous quote from
Russell Cronwell, "With the same material one man builds a palace and
another only builds a hovel" I've already built my palace with my
recovery material in all 8 of my 12 step programs and it is your turn
to build your own - but I cannot build it for you. Personally I try not
to pigeon hole people and their philosophy into "all black or all
white" otherwise this practice will lead a person to blindness. Seldom
is a thing totally one or the other, we can usually find good and bad
in all things. We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking that
we used when we created them so must be open to new ideas. Psychologist
William James once said, "A great many people believe they are thinking
when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." And each time an
addict writes the blanket statement that I offer no ESH in any of my
writings this prejudice and blindness on their part is shown by such
statements.

Plutarch was the priest of the Delphic Oracle in 100 AD and wrote "Just
as a life of virtue yields its own reward, a life of vice yields its
own punishment" While this statement speaks much wisdom, it fails to
show the entire picture. Yes, virtue offers rewards to us, but vices or
addictions also offer rewards as well as you will see below. We can
walk the path of recovery and enjoy the benefits is bestows on us but
this path takes work and pain sometimes to follow. Or we can walk the
path of vices and enjoy the pleasure they yield, but must accept the
pain that accompanies this course as well. We are always free to head
either way, but when we enjoy excessive vice, we must also pay the
price and accept the consequences. It is law of nature that a price
must be paid if we choose to practice our addictions and no one should
be mad when they have to "pay to play." If we accept that we can
practice our addictions, but must pay a price, then it should not make
us mad reading about others that choose a different path of denying
themselves the pleasure addictions offer but receive pleasure from the
areas of abstinence. This same opportunity is open to us whether we
choose the pleasure of our recovery or the pleasures our addictions.

What is ultimate truth for us sometimes has two sides to it and it is
good to remember this point. Certain Buddhists and Taoists I run into,
especially the debaters, great philosophers and sensationalists, like
to promote the idea of there is "no right and wrong" to judge in life.
Taoist's believe that if we do not favor right or wrong, good or bad,
beauty or ugliness we will not become attached to such outcomes. They
also believe that the cosmic forces do not favor any of these things
but treat all with equanimity, so they wish to mimic the cosmos to be
in unity with it. While this extreme view of "no right or wrong" holds
some truth, it also needs to be balanced with the idea of the
conventual view of right and wrong to find a balanced "middle path"
view of right and wrong if we wish to live within society. In general,
we cannot say what is good bad, right or wrong for others since we do
not know where they are on the path of their existence and what they
need to learn or overcome to get where they are going. On the other
hand, decisions have to be made to survive in our world and when
decision have to be made so do judgments have to be decided on-so yes
we must have a basis for deciding to go left or right in life. The part
of this idea that helps me with anger and prejudice with others is to
remember we cannot tell others what is right for them. We can make
suggestions, but since we are not the "end all" in the universe we just
do not know. Consequently, I try to give addicts the freedom to pursue
either path, not knowing or being in a position to dictate what they
need to learn in this life, so I hope you will allow me the same
courtesy. It is our own choice in which direction we choose, so knowing
we have free will and nothing I write can be forced on you don't get
angry or upset with whatever I write, for they are only words. I am not
ordering you to stop, change or do anything. If you wish to enjoy your
addictions and accept there is a price to pay for participating in them
then please go right ahead in this direction. And if you don't like
that way of life anymore, then seek out another way to live - but it
must be your choice and can never be mine or a choice that is ordered
on you by another. This is where the defining choice comes in. Do we
find more pleasure in recovery or find more pleasure in addiction?

As for "over the top," always remember someone has to be on top with
addiction. Either our addictions works us on its terms or we can work
the addiction on the recovery programs terms - so I would much rather
be on top of the addiction than the other way around. When you have
such conscious thoughts towards the cultivation of recovery, so that
whatever action you are engaged in - it is always evaluated from that
orientation - then you can find great success with improving your life
from applying this single pointed dedication to change and your
recovery practice and life becomes as one. It is true that we cannot do
everything the same as other people do, but that is not the issue. The
question we have to ask ourselves is are we looking for an excuse to
quit or and excuse to continue with recovery? Are we doing everything
we can in the direction of getting better and not leaving a stone
unturned in our quest? Sure we will find much junk and waste, but when
you mine for diamonds you always have to discard much useless waste.
There is always a direction for recovery work to flourish if we look
for it, so don't try to copy me or anyone else exactly. Do what you can
do and work in a direction that serves you irrespective of what others
say or do.

It is always interesting to see what people get out of a written post
and have comments on. Some people spend more time discussing the color
of the book than what is written inside. The watchdogs will always find
the error that they can comment on...this is where they get their self
worth from. Some addicts find it more profitable for them to
concentrate on criticizing others programs rather than working their
own programs. While one addict complained I do not use "I" enough,
another addict wrote me and complained I must be an ego-maniac because
I used the word "I" 21 times in a post. So whether it is I, You, We or
They, sick addicts will always find something to concentrate on other
than their own recovery and it is impossible to please everyone. I give
little attention to whether I use "You"-"I"-"We"-"They" when I write
about "universal truths" that apply to all addicts. An example for
instance, "You are not recovering until you start refusing...refusing
the old, sick ways that got you here." When I write "You," I can use it
2 ways. If I address a letter to someone personally and say to them as
a direction; "you have to do x,y,z," this is one way to use "You."
But, "You" has a different meaning to me when I read my own writing
constantly as self talk and as a recovery reminder to me too. It is
similar to when we talk to ourselves and say, "you are going to get
into trouble." This is the second way I use it, especially when my
writing is addressed to all addicts at large and no one in particular.
I read my own posts as reminders to me too, so I write them as I like
to read them. I also use the writing for the secondary purpose of
addressing other addicts.

How can I speak for others saying certain statements are universal
truths? Going back to the "recovery by refusing" slogan, If this was
not the case with EVERYONE seeking recovery, then we could say we will
get better by *increasing* our old sick ways and saying *yes* to more
sickness and addiction, etc. When I write about decreasing clutter,
fat, debt, addicts can test this universal statement by looking to the
opposite end of the spectrum for recovery and see how their lives will
be impacted by increasing their clutter, increasing their fat,
increasing their debt and increasing their addiction sickness to find
recovery. So, whether I say you, I, we or they it has little bearing in
my mind, since certain statements are universal truths that applies to
all addicts. Some people don't like this style but it has got me to
where I'm at today. I guess someone could argue the opposite of "you
are not recovering until you start refusing" statement with the case
that an addict has to get sicker to hit bottom before they can find
true recovery, so refusing the old sick ways will just prolong the
sickness and they need to increase them. But I am not debating it from
all angles and playing games. I am just speaking generally and as a
bottom line statement. That sickness needs to be decreased in addicts
as a universal truth, whereas adding more sickness will lead an addict
down the wrong direction.

The Buddhists have a set of rules they use to determine what are
definitive truths and what are not. This can also be applied to such
questions.

1) Do not rely on just the person but rely on the doctrine.

2) With respect to the doctrine, do not rely on just the words, but
rely on the meaning.

3) With respect to the meaning, do not rely on just meaning requiring
interpretation, but rely on meaning that is definitive.

4) With respect to definitive meaning, do not rely on just dualistic
understanding but rely on the wisdom of the direct perception of the
truth.

The Dalai Lama mentions many a time that he wishes to cause no one any
harm or pain with what he says or writes. He tells them if they find
something useful in what he says, then feel free to make us of it and
apply it to their life. And if anything he has said upsets them, then
don't worry about it and just forget it. Please do the same thing with
my posts. If you find something useful in them, then by all means put
it into practice in your own life or feel free to share my writing for
whatever noncommercial recovery purpose you see fit. And if you see
nothing useful in my posts and they anger or upset you, then please
forget what I have wrote and don't worry about it at all.


Take Care,




V (Male)


For free access to my earlier posts on voluntary simplicity, compulsive
spending, debting, compulsive overeating and clutter write:
vfr44@aol.com. Any opinion expressed here is that of my own and is not
the opinion, recommendation or belief of any group or organization