Great wife of 34 years - grown kids - no infidelity - no money problems.
I work at my own company, wife manages real estate. Small circle of
friends, and in the past months it's gotten smaller.

Neither of us drank more than beer or wine, and that in moderation.

Did depression spawn alcohol use, or was it the other way around? Now I
see that she's spending most of her time in a tailspin, reading,
watching television, smoking, drinking, not paying attention to her work
or to her friends. I now have trouble getting her out of the house - to
dinner, shopping, etc. She's not hiding the liquor, but I have just
begun paying attention to the cabinet and discovered that she's
consuming about 14-16 ounces daily. She's becoming a recluse, and is
often tipsy. She remains sweet but a little vacant. She doesn't think
anyone notices how much she's drinking, and when she takes a drink might
say "this is self-medication".

So far I'm playing supportive but ignorant of the magnitude of the
problem. I HATE being a hypocrite - acting.

Where can I go? I don't want to confront this until I know exactly what
to do.

HELP!

strugglingwithit

at

gmail
dot

com

"Struggling" <strugglingwithit@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:jUQjf.37373$0M.3574@fe16.lga...
> Great wife of 34 years - grown kids - no infidelity - no money problems.
> I work at my own company, wife manages real estate. Small circle of
> friends, and in the past months it's gotten smaller.
>
> Neither of us drank more than beer or wine, and that in moderation.
>
> Did depression spawn alcohol use, or was it the other way around? Now I
> see that she's spending most of her time in a tailspin, reading, watching
> television, smoking, drinking, not paying attention to her work or to her
> friends. I now have trouble getting her out of the house - to dinner,
> shopping, etc. She's not hiding the liquor, but I have just begun paying
> attention to the cabinet and discovered that she's consuming about 14-16
> ounces daily. She's becoming a recluse, and is often tipsy. She remains
> sweet but a little vacant. She doesn't think anyone notices how much she's
> drinking, and when she takes a drink might say "this is self-medication".
>
> So far I'm playing supportive but ignorant of the magnitude of the
> problem. I HATE being a hypocrite - acting.
>
> Where can I go? I don't want to confront this until I know exactly what to
> do.
>
> HELP!
>
> strugglingwithit
>
> at
>
> gmail
> dot
>
> com

Struggling,
It's pretty clear at this point that your wife is abusing alcohol.
That is not the same thing as saying that your wife is an alcoholic. They
aren't necessarily the same thing and, at least in the first instance, they
are not treated the same way; although if the abuse continues for a long
enough time the two can converge. That was pretty much me, for example. I
self medicated for other problems until I got myself pretty thoroughly
addicted.
It sounds, from what little we have heard so far, that your wife has
got into her fifties, and you have been with her for more than three
decades, without alcohol addiction having previously been evident.
Something is now bothering her enough that she is medicating for it.
Whatever that thing is, it sounds like the problem that needs to be dealt
with as the primary cause, with the drinking being a symptom.
If it goes on, and if she has the chance to let the drinking blossom
into a full blown alcohol addiction, the stakes get raised a huge amount.
I hear you saying that you hate being a hypocrite and acting. How
about trying some basic honesty? Tell her all of these things, try to talk
it out with her and try to steer her to whatever kind of third party help
might be available. Whether it's a therapist or a minister or a counselor,
she needs to talk to you but she also needs to talk to someone who isn't
you.
Even if she were a full blown alcoholic and in the program, we would be
strongly suggesting a program of vigorous and thorough honesty. It's a good
idea for non-alcoholics, too.
All the best to you and her and please let us know how it goes,
Dan

can you sit her down and talk with her?
many, many, depressives treat their depression with
alcohol..............a visit to her physician would be a great place to
start.

--

rosie
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?
http://www.ac.wwu.edu/%7Estephan/USfatalities.html



"Struggling" <strugglingwithit@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:jUQjf.37373$0M.3574@fe16.lga...
> Great wife of 34 years - grown kids - no infidelity - no money
> problems.
> I work at my own company, wife manages real estate. Small circle of
> friends, and in the past months it's gotten smaller.
>
> Neither of us drank more than beer or wine, and that in moderation.
>
> Did depression spawn alcohol use, or was it the other way around? Now
> I see that she's spending most of her time in a tailspin, reading,
> watching television, smoking, drinking, not paying attention to her
> work or to her friends. I now have trouble getting her out of the
> house - to dinner, shopping, etc. She's not hiding the liquor, but I
> have just begun paying attention to the cabinet and discovered that
> she's consuming about 14-16 ounces daily. She's becoming a recluse,
> and is often tipsy. She remains sweet but a little vacant. She doesn't
> think anyone notices how much she's drinking, and when she takes a
> drink might say "this is self-medication".
>
> So far I'm playing supportive but ignorant of the magnitude of the
> problem. I HATE being a hypocrite - acting.
>
> Where can I go? I don't want to confront this until I know exactly
> what to do.
>
> HELP!
>
> strugglingwithit
>
> at
>
> gmail
> dot
>
> com

Good luck and God-speed whichever direction you choose to pursue. You don't
mention a duration or timeframe in which her behavior has been noticeably
intoxicated. I can only reinforce Dan & Rosie's advice - you need a
heart-to-heart talk with her. Something is going on. You're obviously
concerned for her health and well being - let her know that. Let her know
how deeply heartfelt and intense your concern for her is. Couples
counseling is always an option too - and you can lay the issue on yourself
(i.e. YOU are having trouble accepting her drinking behavior and want to
know what YOU can do to get better). I've hear good and bad things about
AlAnon but that's another option.

I just said a prayer for you two.

steve

"Struggling" <strugglingwithit@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:jUQjf.37373$0M.3574@fe16.lga...
> Great wife of 34 years - grown kids - no infidelity - no money problems.
> I work at my own company, wife manages real estate. Small circle of
> friends, and in the past months it's gotten smaller.
>
> Neither of us drank more than beer or wine, and that in moderation.
>
> Did depression spawn alcohol use, or was it the other way around? Now I
> see that she's spending most of her time in a tailspin, reading, watching
> television, smoking, drinking, not paying attention to her work or to her
> friends. I now have trouble getting her out of the house - to dinner,
> shopping, etc. She's not hiding the liquor, but I have just begun paying
> attention to the cabinet and discovered that she's consuming about 14-16
> ounces daily. She's becoming a recluse, and is often tipsy. She remains
> sweet but a little vacant. She doesn't think anyone notices how much she's
> drinking, and when she takes a drink might say "this is self-medication".
>
> So far I'm playing supportive but ignorant of the magnitude of the
> problem. I HATE being a hypocrite - acting.
>
> Where can I go? I don't want to confront this until I know exactly what to
> do.
>
> HELP!
>
> strugglingwithit
>
> at
>
> gmail
> dot
>
> com

Thanks for the input, the support.

I'm afraid to confront this unless I know exactly what to do and have
confidence in what I'm taught. Once the issue is addressed openly, it's
toothpaste that can't be put back into the tube. Today I talked with a
physician friend who recommended that one way or another I get her in
front of her own doctor. I suggested an annual physical ("It's time,
honey") but she instantly and flatly rejected the idea.

Surely there's a counselor for this, someone who can ask the right
questions, then tutor me. I do not want to trigger some irrational
reaction or push her further into depression.

"Struggling" <strugglingwithit@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:QG6kf.4$8o6.2@fe15.lga...
> Thanks for the input, the support.
>
> I'm afraid to confront this unless I know exactly what to do and
> have confidence in what I'm taught. Once the issue is addressed
> openly, it's toothpaste that can't be put back into the tube. Today
> I talked with a physician friend who recommended that one way or
> another I get her in front of her own doctor. I suggested an annual
> physical ("It's time, honey") but she instantly and flatly rejected
> the idea.
>
> Surely there's a counselor for this, someone who can ask the right
> questions, then tutor me. I do not want to trigger some irrational
> reaction or push her further into depression.

Given their sole reason for existence, friends and family of problem
drinkers, I suggest there is no greater fund of pertinent theory, and
experience, than the world wide fellowship of Al-Anon.

http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/international.html

Robert McGregor wrote:

> Given their sole reason for existence, friends and family of problem
> drinkers, I suggest there is no greater fund of pertinent theory, and
> experience, than the world wide fellowship of Al-Anon.
>
> http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/international.html


I had hoped for something more private, for reasons you understand.

There's a chapter that meets today at 5pm, midway between our home and
my office, which puts it in my neighborhood, so to speak. At this moment
I plan to be there, but (trust me on this one) it will take willpower to
walk in. Or I can wait for a meeting that's more distant, but I'm not
certain that would be less uncomfortable.

"Struggling" <strugglingwithit@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:XXjkf.877$8o6.308@fe15.lga...
> Robert McGregor wrote:
>
>> Given their sole reason for existence, friends and family of problem
>> drinkers, I suggest there is no greater fund of pertinent theory, and
>> experience, than the world wide fellowship of Al-Anon.
>>
>> http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/international.html
>
>
> I had hoped for something more private, for reasons you understand.
>
> There's a chapter that meets today at 5pm, midway between our home and my
> office, which puts it in my neighborhood, so to speak. At this moment I
> plan to be there, but (trust me on this one) it will take willpower to
> walk in. Or I can wait for a meeting that's more distant, but I'm not
> certain that would be less uncomfortable.

Understandably it is uncomfortable, but remeber you are going into a place
where people are getting BETTER. It's not like walking into a sick ward.

As far as your SO it's time to ask the question.......Honey, how come your
drinking so much lately? You aren't doing her any favors by tip toeing
around. At least this way she knows that you know!

John Royer wrote:

> Understandably it is uncomfortable, but remeber you are going into a place
> where people are getting BETTER. It's not like walking into a sick ward.
>
> As far as your SO it's time to ask the question.......Honey, how come your
> drinking so much lately? You aren't doing her any favors by tip toeing
> around. At least this way she knows that you know!
>
>


I went over there this evening, but never made it inside the church.
Sitting in the car gathering courage I recognized a woman attorney
friend and of course leapt to conclusions, and that made it impossible
for me. Actually I was relieved.

Now I must find a location some miles away.

And I can't approach my wife with this unless I'm scripted. Again, such
words cannot be unsaid, so they must be the right ones.

Struggling <strugglingwithit@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:hJukf.7266$Im6.4891@fe14.lga...
> John Royer wrote:
>
> > Understandably it is uncomfortable, but remeber you are going into a
place
> > where people are getting BETTER. It's not like walking into a sick ward.
> >
> > As far as your SO it's time to ask the question.......Honey, how come
your
> > drinking so much lately? You aren't doing her any favors by tip toeing
> > around. At least this way she knows that you know!
> >
> >
>
>
> I went over there this evening, but never made it inside the church.
> Sitting in the car gathering courage I recognized a woman attorney
> friend and of course leapt to conclusions, and that made it impossible
> for me. Actually I was relieved.
>
> Now I must find a location some miles away.

Why?

>
> And I can't approach my wife with this unless I'm scripted. Again, such
> words cannot be unsaid, so they must be the right ones.