I wanted to post and hopefully get feedback. I am really struggling, in
fact, obsessed with what I do and do not believe in. I am not
struggling with my past and what was done to me or what I did to
anyone, and I am not wanting to drink. What I am struggling with is my
belief system. I know that there is a God. Professing that I am a
Christian and wanting to believe that Jesus died on the cross and
feeling guilty that I have doubts is what I am obsessing over. I am
trying so hard to be what I think God wants me to be and am always
second guessing myself after I do something that I think is good. I
start obsessing on whether I did it without expecting anything in
return and then I always think that if is selfish of me because I will
get something out of it, even if only a blessing from God. Can I really
do anthing without not expecting something in return, even if it is
from God. All this stuff is just going around and around and around in
my head constantly.

Then, there are the religious types that I do not want to be like. The
other day during one of the groups that I facilitate, I said the f
word. Well, after the group this man that profess's his love for Jesus
Christ stayed after the meeting and gave me a sermon on watching how I
talk. I had apologized immediately after I said it and said that I hope
I didn't offend anyone. He proceeded to stay and talk for 45 minutes
and then wanted to pray for me and my family. I let him, and God knows
me and my family need prayers, but I felt like he was looking down on
me and I don't want to be that kind of Christian. He could have left
and prayed for me and my family and accepted me for being human. Am I
wrong to feel that way? I should just accept him and pray for him.
After reading that previous sentences I realized I was expecting him to
do something I should be doing. (Chuckle for the day on me)

Anyway, my husband and I are starting a different recovery group this
Friday. It is a Christ centered recovery program in a church near us. I
have some friends who have been long time AA'ers and are involved with
programs like this in their church. I am looking forward to starting
it.

Any feedback from you all will be appreciated.

And Rosie, before you ask or tell me to go, no I haven't been to AA and
no I don't have a sponsor. I have e-mailed back and forth with my
girlfriend who is in recovery.

Best to all,
Gail

"Gail" <serenity6850_2000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1131558487.854029.6940@g47g2000cwa.googlegrou ps.com...
>I wanted to post and hopefully get feedback. I am really struggling,

Geez, Hon, welcome to the wonderful world of mortality. <grin> This one is
with all of us, always. As the father of the sick child said in Mark
9:24 -- "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
Now, according to the story in Mark, Jesus didn't think that was stupid
but instead he thought that was a legitimate thing to say and did as he was
asked.
My point is not whether Christian theology is right but rather that
even in strict Christian theology there is room for personal doubts. My
dear, we all have doubts about things large and small. I'm pretty sure that
if there is a God who made people that he knows that.
As to AA meetings -- or theology, for that matter -- do what helps you
and gives you strength and let the rest go. If meeting and sponsors could
work for you then use them but if they don't then find what does. Since you
are a Christian, keep in mind that Jesus said to judge trees and wells by
their output.
Once in my youth, out of sophomoric smart-assedness, we thought we were
putting a trap on our Episcopal priest. We pointed out a girl who was an
exchange student from Egypt and a Muslim. We said that she was a really
nice person who tried to do right things but that she wasn't a Christian and
asked him if she was going to hell. Father Ben said, "Let me tell you how
big my God is. He's so big that if he wanted to talk to different people
different ways that he would do so -- and he wouldn't even ask my
permission."
I don't think that there is necessarily one path to sobriety either.
Do what works.
Dan

"Dan McGown" <dmcgown@adelphia.net> wrote in message
news:S4OdnUa2g-wg0O_eRVn-uA@adelphia.com...
>
> "Gail" <serenity6850_2000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1131558487.854029.6940@g47g2000cwa.googlegrou ps.com...
>>I wanted to post and hopefully get feedback. I am really struggling,
>
> Geez, Hon, welcome to the wonderful world of mortality. <grin> This one
> is with all of us, always. As the father of the sick child said in Mark
> 9:24 -- "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
> Now, according to the story in Mark, Jesus didn't think that was
> stupid but instead he thought that was a legitimate thing to say and did
> as he was asked.
> My point is not whether Christian theology is right but rather that
> even in strict Christian theology there is room for personal doubts. My
> dear, we all have doubts about things large and small. I'm pretty sure
> that if there is a God who made people that he knows that.
> As to AA meetings -- or theology, for that matter -- do what helps you
> and gives you strength and let the rest go. If meeting and sponsors could
> work for you then use them but if they don't then find what does. Since
> you are a Christian, keep in mind that Jesus said to judge trees and wells
> by their output.
> Once in my youth, out of sophomoric smart-assedness, we thought we
> were putting a trap on our Episcopal priest. We pointed out a girl who
> was an exchange student from Egypt and a Muslim. We said that she was a
> really nice person who tried to do right things but that she wasn't a
> Christian and asked him if she was going to hell. Father Ben said, "Let
> me tell you how big my God is. He's so big that if he wanted to talk to
> different people different ways that he would do so -- and he wouldn't
> even ask my permission."
> I don't think that there is necessarily one path to sobriety either.
> Do what works.
> Dan
>

Thank you, Dan. This recovery program at the church is based on the 12 steps
and does have people in it that sponsor. It is called "Celebrate Recovery".
On their web site it appeals to me what they offer. I think the way I feel
towards AA is because of what my beliefs are and that is another thing that
I struggle with. I lurk and read some in another ng and I read where someone
said that they didn't feel free to talk about or ask the questions about
Jesus in an AA meeting. At first, when I started going to AA I didn't want
to hear about God, Jesus or HP. I used to get so pissed if someone brought
him up. I understand why it seems sortof forbidden in AA to talk about Him.
I am hoping that I can ask questions, like I have asked here, in this new
group I am going to go to. I hope I find a sponsor in this group that lives
close by. I want those things and have fought it for so long. I struggle
with the guilt of not doing what people in AA have suggested I do. I think
if you could do it, why can't I. I realized after I post that I know I don't
do enough to find my answers. I want some one else to give them to me and
that won't work. I read in my bible and understand it more now. I struggle
with guilt if I think I didn't read long enough. I know I don't apply myself
like I should. I might find my answers when I really start applying myself
more. I don't know if I am making any sense at all. I never had much of an
ability to put my thoughts into words. That is one reason I like reading
what all of you post. You all always make so much sense and it is almost
always what I needed to read.
Thanks again. Love ya!
Gail

"Gail" <serenity6850_2000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
....................
> And Rosie, before you ask or tell me to go, no I haven't been to AA
and
> no I don't have a sponsor. I have e-mailed back and forth with my
> girlfriend who is in recovery.
>
> Best to all,
> Gail
>

gail,
i wish you best in any direction you take that will reinforce your
recovery from addiction.

rosie

Damn't Jim I'm only a micro brain surgeon, not belief therapist !
Can't your read the sign on the door ? I can't fix on HER
with these privitive tools I have !

Good luck Gail ! ;-)

Dan McGown <dmcgown@adelphia.net> wrote in message
news:S4OdnUa2g-wg0O_eRVn-uA@adelphia.com...
>
> "Gail" <serenity6850_2000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1131558487.854029.6940@g47g2000cwa.googlegrou ps.com...
> >I wanted to post and hopefully get feedback. I am really struggling,
>
> Geez, Hon, welcome to the wonderful world of mortality. <grin> This one
is
> with all of us, always. As the father of the sick child said in Mark
> 9:24 -- "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
> Now, according to the story in Mark, Jesus didn't think that was
stupid
> but instead he thought that was a legitimate thing to say and did as he
was
> asked.
> My point is not whether Christian theology is right but rather that
> even in strict Christian theology there is room for personal doubts. My
> dear, we all have doubts about things large and small. I'm pretty sure
that
> if there is a God who made people that he knows that.
> As to AA meetings -- or theology, for that matter -- do what helps
you
> and gives you strength and let the rest go. If meeting and sponsors could
> work for you then use them but if they don't then find what does. Since
you
> are a Christian, keep in mind that Jesus said to judge trees and wells by
> their output.
> Once in my youth, out of sophomoric smart-assedness, we thought we
were
> putting a trap on our Episcopal priest. We pointed out a girl who was an
> exchange student from Egypt and a Muslim. We said that she was a really
> nice person who tried to do right things but that she wasn't a Christian
and
> asked him if she was going to hell. Father Ben said, "Let me tell you how
> big my God is. He's so big that if he wanted to talk to different people
> different ways that he would do so -- and he wouldn't even ask my
> permission."
> I don't think that there is necessarily one path to sobriety either.
> Do what works.
> Dan

Right on Dan, especially the quip from Father Ben...

>Father Ben said, "Let me tell you how
>big my God is. He's so big that if he wanted to talk to different people
>different ways that he would do so -- and he wouldn't even ask my permission."
>

Ben sounds like my type of guy. He knows where his place in the line
is for
giving advice.

Be careful, many would rather be around a consummate drunk than a born again.

Gail wrote:

> I wanted to post and hopefully get feedback. I am really struggling, in
> fact, obsessed with what I do and do not believe in. I am not
> struggling with my past and what was done to me or what I did to
> anyone, and I am not wanting to drink. What I am struggling with is my
> belief system. I know that there is a God. Professing that I am a
> Christian and wanting to believe that Jesus died on the cross and
> feeling guilty that I have doubts is what I am obsessing over. I am
> trying so hard to be what I think God wants me to be and am always
> second guessing myself after I do something that I think is good. I
> start obsessing on whether I did it without expecting anything in
> return and then I always think that if is selfish of me because I will
> get something out of it, even if only a blessing from God. Can I really
> do anthing without not expecting something in return, even if it is
> from God. All this stuff is just going around and around and around in
> my head constantly.
>
> Then, there are the religious types that I do not want to be like. The
> other day during one of the groups that I facilitate, I said the f
> word. Well, after the group this man that profess's his love for Jesus
> Christ stayed after the meeting and gave me a sermon on watching how I
> talk. I had apologized immediately after I said it and said that I hope
> I didn't offend anyone. He proceeded to stay and talk for 45 minutes
> and then wanted to pray for me and my family. I let him, and God knows
> me and my family need prayers, but I felt like he was looking down on
> me and I don't want to be that kind of Christian. He could have left
> and prayed for me and my family and accepted me for being human. Am I
> wrong to feel that way? I should just accept him and pray for him.
> After reading that previous sentences I realized I was expecting him to
> do something I should be doing. (Chuckle for the day on me)
>
> Anyway, my husband and I are starting a different recovery group this
> Friday. It is a Christ centered recovery program in a church near us. I
> have some friends who have been long time AA'ers and are involved with
> programs like this in their church. I am looking forward to starting
> it.
>
> Any feedback from you all will be appreciated.
>
> And Rosie, before you ask or tell me to go, no I haven't been to AA and
> no I don't have a sponsor. I have e-mailed back and forth with my
> girlfriend who is in recovery.
>
> Best to all,
> Gail
>

Hi Gail,
Sounds like your looking more for group therapy help
from friend(s) than one based on AA topic where
cross talk is limited to none, and one person has the floor
to express how the/he overcame his chemical of no choice.

Those group babble fests usually ends up as yelling matches
and thus why I think AA/12 steps kept with a outline to follow.
I'm not trying to be mean, but believe it or not sometimes there
are just too many consultants and too few listeners at some of these
meetings. Crankly old timers and new comers wanting to do it their
new own way in a hurry.

You don't even seem to understand your own innerself, so how can a
bunch of
strangers help ? You know what jumps out at me in your writings ?

I want
I fought
I need
I feel guilt

Analyze that ...

Peace.

Lost in Space <gwbdopesmoker@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1131590958.816369.296480@g14g2000cwa.googlegr oups.com...
>
> Hi Gail,
> Sounds like your looking more for group therapy help
> from friend(s) than one based on AA topic where
> cross talk is limited to none, and one person has the floor
> to express how the/he overcame his chemical of no choice.
>
> Those group babble fests usually ends up as yelling matches
> and thus why I think AA/12 steps kept with a outline to follow.
> I'm not trying to be mean, but believe it or not sometimes there
> are just too many consultants and too few listeners at some of these
> meetings. Crankly old timers and new comers wanting to do it their
> new own way in a hurry.
>
> You don't even seem to understand your own innerself, so how can a
> bunch of
> strangers help ? You know what jumps out at me in your writings ?
>
> I want
> I fought
> I need
> I feel guilt
>
> Analyze that ...
>
> Peace.

We addicts in recovery use the "I" word a lot in our musings as a general
rule, myself included. It does reveal something about the writer to a reader
sometimes.