I have worked very hard over the last 6 months to clean myself up, having
gone through detox twice and been in and out of the program at least that
many times. During the same period of time, my (soon-to-be-ex)wife has
worked very hard to convince the legal eagles here that I am an unfit
parent, a danger to our child, incapable of keeping a house, etc.

I am now working to face each day as it comes, and its going pretty good.
My good days are OK, my bad days tolerable. This time I am determined to
regain the life I once had. I am not drinking, and now that I have a decent
foothold, it seems to become easier each day to stay not drinking.

I need some help from you folks, however. My problem is that in order to
regain the 50% custody arrangement I once shared with my wife, I need to be
able to demonstrate that I am "sober and drug-free, and am capable of
maintaining control over my drinking problem". This is the legal problem I
face.

Now, I can keep a personal log of meetings I attend, record when I speak
with my sponsor, get certificates of completion from detox and treatment
centres I attend. But how on earth does one demonstrate to a judge and an
ex-wife that I am sober, and not at risk to drink? Seems like an impossible
task.

I should add that I have never been a danger to my child, never drove drunk
while my child was in the car, and never neglected my child. I do accept
responsiblility for drinking while my child was in my care, and I know its
something I should not have done or be doing, because the potential for
problems in an emergency is there.

So, does anyone have any ideas on how I could demonstrate a sober lifestyle,
and show that I "have control over my drinking problem"?

HYAW,

On Fri, 25 Jul 2003 08:30:49 -0700, "Anna Thema" <anna_thema@simcity.com> wrote:

>I have worked very hard over the last 6 months to clean myself up, having
>gone through detox twice and been in and out of the program at least that
>many times. During the same period of time, my (soon-to-be-ex)wife has
>worked very hard to convince the legal eagles here that I am an unfit
>parent, a danger to our child, incapable of keeping a house, etc.
>
>I am now working to face each day as it comes, and its going pretty good.
>My good days are OK, my bad days tolerable. This time I am determined to
>regain the life I once had. I am not drinking, and now that I have a decent
>foothold, it seems to become easier each day to stay not drinking.
>
>I need some help from you folks, however. My problem is that in order to
>regain the 50% custody arrangement I once shared with my wife, I need to be
>able to demonstrate that I am "sober and drug-free, and am capable of
>maintaining control over my drinking problem". This is the legal problem I
>face.
>
>Now, I can keep a personal log of meetings I attend, record when I speak
>with my sponsor, get certificates of completion from detox and treatment
>centres I attend. But how on earth does one demonstrate to a judge and an
>ex-wife that I am sober, and not at risk to drink? Seems like an impossible
>task.
>
>I should add that I have never been a danger to my child, never drove drunk
>while my child was in the car, and never neglected my child. I do accept
>responsiblility for drinking while my child was in my care, and I know its
>something I should not have done or be doing, because the potential for
>problems in an emergency is there.
>
>So, does anyone have any ideas on how I could demonstrate a sober lifestyle,
>and show that I "have control over my drinking problem"?
>
>HYAW,
------------------------------
well, first of all it is a matter of which country you live in, regarding the
legal status.
To convince anyone of your sobriety, the only ways are blood samples. I am no
md, but as I understand it, there are certain by- products your body (liver)
produces when on the high roll. Some of them determine short- term abuse of
alcohol, some others are evident for a long term record. Those records are (at
least here in germany) acceptable as hard evidence.
But any therapist can tell you that there is no such thing as a "no risk zone"
for the future. The only way to show a judge is a record of accomplishment,
meaning abstinence et al for the past.
So you might lose custody for a while, I am afraid to say, but that status might
well change during the next year or so when you are able to produce hard
evidence of abstinence.
As I said earlier, this really depends on the country and its jurisprudence.
However, my dad used to say "on the sea and before a court, we are in the hands
of god".
Wishing you the best,
Mike.

In message <vi2j8etopdnebd@corp.supernews.com>, Anna Thema
<anna_thema@simcity.com> writes
>So, does anyone have any ideas on how I could demonstrate a sober
>lifestyle, and show that I "have control over my drinking problem"?

How about having weekly blood tests done to demonstrate no alcohol
level?
--
Jonathan Bratt

here in wisconsin, a GUARDIAN AD LIDUM (lawyer)is appointed to represent the children, in ALL custody disputes.
they will be able to help you "prove" that you are making progress in your recovery, and are "fit".
you both will be examined by social workers etc.

another approach?

just stay sober, work the steps, and wait!


--
read and post daily, it works!
rosie

"In a few days they will show us another fat body with a beard and say it's Saddam."
ZOHAIR MATY, a 30-year-old Iraqi laborer, expressing skepticism that pictures of Saddam Hussein's sons' bodies were
authentic.






"Anna Thema" <anna_thema@simcity.com> wrote in message news:vi2j8etopdnebd@corp.supernews.com...
> I have worked very hard over the last 6 months to clean myself up, having
> gone through detox twice and been in and out of the program at least that
> many times. During the same period of time, my (soon-to-be-ex)wife has
> worked very hard to convince the legal eagles here that I am an unfit
> parent, a danger to our child, incapable of keeping a house, etc.
>
> I am now working to face each day as it comes, and its going pretty good.
> My good days are OK, my bad days tolerable. This time I am determined to
> regain the life I once had. I am not drinking, and now that I have a decent
> foothold, it seems to become easier each day to stay not drinking.
>
> I need some help from you folks, however. My problem is that in order to
> regain the 50% custody arrangement I once shared with my wife, I need to be
> able to demonstrate that I am "sober and drug-free, and am capable of
> maintaining control over my drinking problem". This is the legal problem I
> face.
>
> Now, I can keep a personal log of meetings I attend, record when I speak
> with my sponsor, get certificates of completion from detox and treatment
> centres I attend. But how on earth does one demonstrate to a judge and an
> ex-wife that I am sober, and not at risk to drink? Seems like an impossible
> task.
>
> I should add that I have never been a danger to my child, never drove drunk
> while my child was in the car, and never neglected my child. I do accept
> responsiblility for drinking while my child was in my care, and I know its
> something I should not have done or be doing, because the potential for
> problems in an emergency is there.
>
> So, does anyone have any ideas on how I could demonstrate a sober lifestyle,
> and show that I "have control over my drinking problem"?
>
> HYAW,
>
>

How does one prove anything to anyone.

How do you earn trust? day by day you build it. how do you prove you are
not drinking? every day, you don't drink.

don't worry, if you have really been sober for six months, it will show. If
you are in court and can remain stable, and calm; that will show a lot. So
will accepting what the judge says without getting overly emotional.


"Anna Thema" <anna_thema@simcity.com> wrote in message
news:vi2j8etopdnebd@corp.supernews.com...
> I have worked very hard over the last 6 months to clean myself up, having
> gone through detox twice and been in and out of the program at least that
> many times. During the same period of time, my (soon-to-be-ex)wife has
> worked very hard to convince the legal eagles here that I am an unfit
> parent, a danger to our child, incapable of keeping a house, etc.
>
> I am now working to face each day as it comes, and its going pretty good.
> My good days are OK, my bad days tolerable. This time I am determined to
> regain the life I once had. I am not drinking, and now that I have a
decent
> foothold, it seems to become easier each day to stay not drinking.
>
> I need some help from you folks, however. My problem is that in order to
> regain the 50% custody arrangement I once shared with my wife, I need to
be
> able to demonstrate that I am "sober and drug-free, and am capable of
> maintaining control over my drinking problem". This is the legal problem
I
> face.
>
> Now, I can keep a personal log of meetings I attend, record when I speak
> with my sponsor, get certificates of completion from detox and treatment
> centres I attend. But how on earth does one demonstrate to a judge and an
> ex-wife that I am sober, and not at risk to drink? Seems like an
impossible
> task.
>
> I should add that I have never been a danger to my child, never drove
drunk
> while my child was in the car, and never neglected my child. I do accept
> responsiblility for drinking while my child was in my care, and I know its
> something I should not have done or be doing, because the potential for
> problems in an emergency is there.
>
> So, does anyone have any ideas on how I could demonstrate a sober
lifestyle,
> and show that I "have control over my drinking problem"?
>
> HYAW,
>
>
>

I went through a similar problem, except I was one of the kids that my parents
were having custody battles over!

Funny how history repeats itself.
My dad just played it REALLY cool with my mom, and so she wasn't LEGALLY
required to give us to him on the weekends and things, she did anyways.

He always made the child support (and any extra he could give us--eye glasses,
new shoes.....) and that makes a very good impression on "ma-ex" as he likes to
call her.

of course before he would take us home it would be a talk like "you don't need
to tell your mom about that poker party on saturday....." but we never wanted
to get him in trouble!

Seems he did a fine job of getting HIMSELF in trouble.

just keep your nose clean, people are usually pretty good about not giving you
the scarlet letter, if you are serious about staying clean.

just a couple thought, but I sometimes think that the whole divorce thing when
I was a kid left some scars that i'm still trying to figure out 20 years later.

don't do it to your kids too!

good luck man!
john

"Anna Thema" <anna_thema@simcity.com> wrote in message
news:vi2j8etopdnebd@corp.supernews.com...
> I have worked very hard over the last 6 months to clean myself up, having
> gone through detox twice and been in and out of the program at least that
> many times. During the same period of time, my (soon-to-be-ex)wife has
> worked very hard to convince the legal eagles here that I am an unfit
> parent, a danger to our child, incapable of keeping a house, etc.
>
> I am now working to face each day as it comes, and its going pretty good.
> My good days are OK, my bad days tolerable. This time I am determined to
> regain the life I once had. I am not drinking, and now that I have a
decent
> foothold, it seems to become easier each day to stay not drinking.
>
> I need some help from you folks, however. My problem is that in order to
> regain the 50% custody arrangement I once shared with my wife, I need to
be
> able to demonstrate that I am "sober and drug-free, and am capable of
> maintaining control over my drinking problem". This is the legal problem
I
> face.
>
> Now, I can keep a personal log of meetings I attend, record when I speak
> with my sponsor, get certificates of completion from detox and treatment
> centres I attend. But how on earth does one demonstrate to a judge and an
> ex-wife that I am sober, and not at risk to drink? Seems like an
impossible
> task.
>
> I should add that I have never been a danger to my child, never drove
drunk
> while my child was in the car, and never neglected my child. I do accept
> responsiblility for drinking while my child was in my care, and I know its
> something I should not have done or be doing, because the potential for
> problems in an emergency is there.
>
> So, does anyone have any ideas on how I could demonstrate a sober
lifestyle,
> and show that I "have control over my drinking problem"?
>
> HYAW,
>
>

Might try getting a sponsor and working the steps. Around Step 6 you will
have a better handle on the answer.

Just a suggestion.

Bobby L

"Anna Thema" <anna_thema@simcity.com> wrote in message
news:vi2j8etopdnebd@corp.supernews.com...
>e, I need to be
> able to demonstrate that I am "sober and drug-free, and am capable of
> maintaining control over my drinking problem". This is the legal problem
I
> face.
>
Hi there,

(Love your handle. Anna Thema)

The onus is on your wife to prove you are unfit, not the other way round.
You need a good lawyer to support you. Your wife could add a rider to your
separation agreeement/custody details that if you drank to excess in the
future, access would have to be reconsidered. I hardly think a court would
penalise someone who is so clearly trying to make a fresh start. But I am
not a lawyer so get a good one.
Deb/Bubba

On Sat, 26 Jul 2003 09:51:13 +0000 (UTC), "Plug"
<gluggaglug@hotmail.com> wrote:

>The onus is on your wife to prove you are unfit, not the other way round.

Actually the onus would be on the judge to make a determination based
on the facts and evidence presented, with a greater leaning towards
the opinions of professional reports (social services, psychiatric,
etc.) than any emotion-based opinion of the people directly involved.
This isn't a criminal case, the onus of "proof" is far less in a civil
case.

>You need a good lawyer to support you.

No, he needs to quit getting distracted from the more pressing issue
of staying sober.

>I hardly think a court would penalise someone who is so clearly trying to
>make a fresh start.

Why not? They have a duty to the well being of the child. So they'll
be balancing probabilities on the basis of historic evidence, not
possible/promised future evidence. If a man had a history of
violence, no court would simply let him off on the basis that he's
trying to make a fresh start.

--
Blue Moon

Another thought:
Have you thoroughly considered for WHO you are giving up boozing? If you decided
to give it up for your child, for your relationship or for your wife it ain't
gonna work.
So I think you ought to make damn sure it is you, yourself, for your own sake
you are giving up drinking. And finding that out unaided is almost impossible.
All the folks I know who gave it up for somebody else (family, kids, parents)
eventually failed in the middle run (less than 1 year). And they all swore they
gave it up for their own sake, but, when talking to them, I realized they were
deluding themselves.
So that would be my first step: finding that out. And in order to do that, hard
as it sounds, a period of separation (also from your child) may well be helpful.
Also seeing a therapist to ask the right questions.
Mike.