Thank you, I will definetly take that into consideration.

The best advice I've seen here is for you to go to an Alanon meetings. There
you will find others who are in, or have been in, exactly the situation you
are trying to deal with.

Understand that alcoholism is a baffling disease, and it is MOST baffling to
those living with the alcoholic. there is absolutely no way you will
understand your alcoholic man without the help of those who have been right
where you are today.

Alcoholism is called a family disease because it sickens not just the
alcoholic, but also those who are near him and care for him. In other words,
you need help in dealing with him. Alanon is the best place for you to get
help.

Keep in mind that AA is for alcoholics who want help. If he doesn't believe
that he has a problem, AA will be little help.

Take gentle care,

Nat
Oxford, Arkansas

"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:54fa8049bb6ad15524438d85367d7420@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
>I really don't think that leaving him will make anything better. We love
> each other, and he might get worse if I do leave him. Just because he has
> an alcohol problem isn't a reason to leave. What he needs is for me to
> support him through it.
>

Sweet Angel,

There is nothing to consider, these are cold hard facts from people who have
walked the walk, myself included. You may not want to believe anything you
hear in here or anywhere else for that matter, but your man is in serious
trouble unless he acts on this himself, he could go for years and not even
see that he has a problem with it, many do not concede to alcoholism at all.

All I can say to you is, listen and take heed from the many people in here
who DO KNOW what they are on about.
Sorry if this sounded blunt.

Good Luck to you both



"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:5df2026646df1b568dd638a31c658a32@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
| Thank you, I will definetly take that into consideration.
|

"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:54fa8049bb6ad15524438d85367d7420@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...

> I really don't think that leaving him will make anything better. We love
> each other, and he might get worse if I do leave him. Just because he has
> an alcohol problem isn't a reason to leave. What he needs is for me to
> support him through it.

Your support really won't do anything if he doesn't want to quit. Actually,
your support is probably being restented by your boyfriend.

You're in a difficult spot, your boyfriend is an alcoholic who doesn't want
to quit and it appears his disease has progressed to the point where he has
no off switch anymore. It makes him a very dangerous, unstable person. You
have no idea how bad things could get.

I'm sorry to say but if you're boyfriend continues to be active, it means he
cares way more about his intoxicants than he does about you. If he was
given the choice between the two, he would pick the booze.

You might have to leave.

Sincerely,
John

Wished I had you for a girlfriend :P You should spamproof your email address
when posting!
"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:77b4399c90410a283eab3053a42ae252@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
>I don't understand alcoholism. Probably because I haven't had to deal with
> it before in my life. Until about 2 years ago when I started dated my
> boyfriend, Jeff. I didn't know he was an alcholic until about 2 months
> into our relationship. I mean, I kind of noticed he drank a lot but I
> didn't think anything of it because I have never been around an alocholic.
> But I started to notice he was drinking like every night, and he could
> drink a 12 pack all by himself. I started to worry, because that didn't
> seem normal. I have tried to talk to him about it hundreds of times but
> he doesn't seem to want to quit. He always has some excuse, like "it's my
> day off", but what does that matter if you're drinking every other day of
> the week. We have been living together since July '04, and living w/ him
> I see more of it then I ever did. We have so many fights over it and I
> was going to leave him once and he said that if it means never taking
> another drink for me not to leave then he will do that. But he went right
> back to the alcohol a few days later. He also has a problem with
> marijuana, but that's a whole different story. I have said to him that it
> was like he's trying to avoid reality. And he said "yeah, basically, cus
> reality sucks" But it's like, as much as reality sucks, it's life and he's
> got to face it, just like everyone else. It just hurts me to see how he
> abuses alcohol. He has so much potential but he never wants to do
> anything because the alcohol and drugs are keeping him from it. And it
> doesn't help that all of his friends do the same thing. I have tried
> every approach with him, but nothing gets through to him. It's like
> alcohol and weed is his #1 priority. I remember one time a long time ago
> he had $20 left from his paycheck, and he's like "I need to budget this"
> and he goes out and buys a 30 pack of beer that was about $16. How is
> that budgeting?? I just don't get it. Now it's like I get so mad when he
> drinks, and we are always fighting. I can't deal with him being an
> alcoholic. He needs to get help, but he says he's not ready to. And
> whenever I say anything about it, he says its his life. Yes, it is his
> life but I am in it and if we're going to be together I don't want him to
> die in 5 years. It runs in his family, but they have all been sober for
> so long. I just think he needs to get his life together and be
> responsible. I have gone to AA meetings with him and I hear people say
> that they've been sober for so many years, and I am so happy for them. I
> don't see why he can't do it. I guess I just don't see how alcohol can
> have that much control over someone. I'm not putting down the people that
> do have that problem, I just really don't understand it. If anyone can
> help me understand it, that would be great. And if anyone has any advice
> on how to deal with an alcoholic, I would greatly appreciate it. Because
> I am not willing to give up on him, cus he is a really great guy. Thanks!
>

"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:54fa8049bb6ad15524438d85367d7420@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
> I really don't think that leaving him will make anything better. We love
> each other, and he might get worse if I do leave him. Just because he has
> an alcohol problem isn't a reason to leave. What he needs is for me to
> support him through it.
>

Angel,

I can promise you this... you are right. He will get worse if you leave. I
can also promise you this... you are wrong. He will also get worse if you
stay. That's the way this thing works. Alcoholism is a progressive
disease.

Match these below to your own initial comments --
1-He doesn't want to quit and we do not have a magic bullet that will cause
him to want to quit.
2-You, as important as you are, are not important enough to stop him from
drinking the way he wants to drink" And his thinking was right -- One more
promise was all it took for you to stay.
3-We're not talking about the flu here. There is no cure for this thing -
if he is an alcoholic, he will likely always be an alcoholic. The disease is
alcoholism -- alcohol isn't his problem -- it's his solution.
4-It's a disease -- It's not the alcohol that has control, it's the
alcoholsm.

You did not come here because he spilled a couple of beers at a party. My
wife was like you -- she thought what she wanted and what she thought was
more important than what I needed. If I loved her "enough" I could stop
drinking. I have come to learn that is simply not true. It did not matter
how nice her ass was, or how perfect her breasts were, or how good she
kissed, or how good the sex was, or how often the sex was, or how good she
cooked, or how well she cleaned, or how good she made me feel or anything
else about her or anything else she did for me, for that matter -- none of
that had any effect on how much or how often I drank. I had to drink to
survive - and my survival, as bad as it was, was all that mattered.

Are you ready for that? We're not talking about a lifetime investment
here -- I suggest you decide if you are really in love with this guy you
"can't deal with" or if you are actually in love with being in love. Either
way -- "fasten your seatbelt darlin' cause it's gonna' be a bumpy ride"

If you do decide what you think is the best way to handle this, let me know
how that works out. I know all this sounds pretty HARD -- it was meant to
be -- Honest, Appropriate, Respectful, Direct.


Bobby L

"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:77b4399c90410a283eab3053a42ae252@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
> he had $20 left from his paycheck, and he's like "I need to budget this"
> and he goes out and buys a 30 pack of beer that was about $16. How is
> that budgeting?? I just don't get it.

Angel
'Course you don't get it, your not an alcoholic. He got himself 30 cans of
beer for $16 instead of a good bottle of Boudreaux for $19 or (God forbid)
taken you out for a pizza. Makes sense to me but then I am an alcoholic.

He'll quit when he hits his bottom (if he's alive afterwards) and he'll
bring you down there with him if you let him (and maybe even if you don't).
If you must stay do check out Al-Anon. Some people think it's the best thing
since sliced bread and others that it's the tool of the devil. Go to some
meetings and decide for yourself.
God be with you
Peace
John

:................. I know all this sounds pretty HARD -- it was
meant to
: be -- Honest, Appropriate, Respectful, Direct.
:
:
: Bobby L
:
:
:
:

nice one bobby!

Let me know
"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:77b4399c90410a283eab3053a42ae252@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
>I don't understand alcoholism. Probably because I haven't had to deal with
> it before in my life. Until about 2 years ago when I started dated my
> boyfriend, Jeff. I didn't know he was an alcholic until about 2 months
> into our relationship. I mean, I kind of noticed he drank a lot but I
> didn't think anything of it because I have never been around an alocholic.
> But I started to notice he was drinking like every night, and he could
> drink a 12 pack all by himself. I started to worry, because that didn't
> seem normal. I have tried to talk to him about it hundreds of times but
> he doesn't seem to want to quit. He always has some excuse, like "it's my
> day off", but what does that matter if you're drinking every other day of
> the week. We have been living together since July '04, and living w/ him
> I see more of it then I ever did. We have so many fights over it and I
> was going to leave him once and he said that if it means never taking
> another drink for me not to leave then he will do that. But he went right
> back to the alcohol a few days later. He also has a problem with
> marijuana, but that's a whole different story. I have said to him that it
> was like he's trying to avoid reality. And he said "yeah, basically, cus
> reality sucks" But it's like, as much as reality sucks, it's life and he's
> got to face it, just like everyone else. It just hurts me to see how he
> abuses alcohol. He has so much potential but he never wants to do
> anything because the alcohol and drugs are keeping him from it. And it
> doesn't help that all of his friends do the same thing. I have tried
> every approach with him, but nothing gets through to him. It's like
> alcohol and weed is his #1 priority. I remember one time a long time ago
> he had $20 left from his paycheck, and he's like "I need to budget this"
> and he goes out and buys a 30 pack of beer that was about $16. How is
> that budgeting?? I just don't get it. Now it's like I get so mad when he
> drinks, and we are always fighting. I can't deal with him being an
> alcoholic. He needs to get help, but he says he's not ready to. And
> whenever I say anything about it, he says its his life. Yes, it is his
> life but I am in it and if we're going to be together I don't want him to
> die in 5 years. It runs in his family, but they have all been sober for
> so long. I just think he needs to get his life together and be
> responsible. I have gone to AA meetings with him and I hear people say
> that they've been sober for so many years, and I am so happy for them. I
> don't see why he can't do it. I guess I just don't see how alcohol can
> have that much control over someone. I'm not putting down the people that
> do have that problem, I just really don't understand it. If anyone can
> help me understand it, that would be great. And if anyone has any advice
> on how to deal with an alcoholic, I would greatly appreciate it. Because
> I am not willing to give up on him, cus he is a really great guy. Thanks!
>

He was an alcoholic before you came into his life, he will remain one
whether or not you say with him, and he will always be an alcoholic no
matter if you are involved in his life or not. This is a simple fact that
you cannot change, no matter what you say or do. He will continue to get
worse whether or not you stay with him--UNLESS he finds it within himself to
seek help and get well for HIMSELF.

Whether you choose to stay with him or leave is totally independent of his
being an alcoholic. You are not responsible for him or his disease, you
can't help him or cure him, and you can't control him. Nothing you do will
make any difference to his disease--only what he decides to do matters. You
have no control.

How do I know this? Because I grew up with alcoholic parents and I have
been with my alcoholic husband since 1987. Nothing I've said or done has
ever made a difference to any of the alcoholics in my life when it came to
their drinking--nothing I did or said has stopped them over the years. The
disease of alcoholism is within themselves and the only way an alcoholic can
get "better" is to find the strength not to drink within themselves.

You love him, he loves you--I don't doubt this. I love my husband, he loves
me, but that hasn't stopped his alcoholism. Your love & desire to help &
support your boyfriend won't stop his either. In fact, it could make it
worse because you will be there to shield him & protect him from the direct
effects of his disease & the consequences of it. With you there supporting
him, why should he do anything to stop drinking & try to pick up the pieces
of his life himself?

If you stay, be prepared for a lot of sadness and pain. Even if he does
find it within himself to stop drinking & using drugs, his soberity will
have to come first in his life in order for him to survive. He will need to
put his soberity ahead of you. Again, this is a simple fact. I suggest you
try contacting a local Al-Anon group for more help.

Good luck.

"SweetAngel" <grneyedshorty428@aol.com> wrote in message
news:54fa8049bb6ad15524438d85367d7420@localhost.ta lkaboutrecovery.com...
> I really don't think that leaving him will make anything better. We love
> each other, and he might get worse if I do leave him. Just because he has
> an alcohol problem isn't a reason to leave. What he needs is for me to
> support him through it.
>