while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop. I think about the "real"
people I know in the program, and I long for a cellphone - oh yeah, I HAVE A
CELLPHONE! I'm just crazy. The crazy thinking is getting worse and worse, and
my decisions are based on drinking and drinking alone. I skipped over the line
(one foot in and one foot out of AA). Everyone told me this was the path I was
headed down, but of course, I thought I was "different."

Saturday night I was out at the bar, watching the Yankees spank the Red Sox,
and with every beer I ordered I was thinking "I absolutely cannot be hungover
for work tomorrow ... too much to do." Instead of just, I don't know, NOT
DRINKING, I ordered a few shots - got it on quickly - and went to bed "early"
(in the 6th, when it was 10-6). A drunks solution to *that* problem, except I
was hungover on Sunday. Obviously.

So the merry-go-round, chaotic life I am choosing to lead continues. The
anxiety is overwhelming, more so than ever before. The savings account is
depleting all over again, yada yada yada ... you all know the drill.

This has been ongoing for over a year now - and I come here telling myself I am
looking for help, but I guess it's really a self-serving whine fest. Selfish
boozebag that I am.

"today. today is the day. don't drink, go to a meeting, get on your knees."
Instead I say, "After the world series."

It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my drinking,
just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone told me. Do I
want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super independent
Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a realization
that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want to NUMB,
that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.

And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple. I'm an
alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that simple.

Blah blah blah blah blah ... and so on.

So, as Blue moon pointed out a few weeks ago, being "outed" at work as an
active alcoholic is NOT the worst of my problems, but at the time it certainly
was something to hang on to.

Here I go again. Thanks for being here.

~Christine
GO SOXS!!!!!!!!

"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...
> while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop. I think about the "real"
> people I know in the program, and I long for a cellphone - oh yeah, I HAVE
> A
> CELLPHONE! I'm just crazy. The crazy thinking is getting worse and
> worse, and
> my decisions are based on drinking and drinking alone. I skipped over the
> line
> (one foot in and one foot out of AA). Everyone told me this was the path
> I was
> headed down, but of course, I thought I was "different."
>
> Saturday night I was out at the bar, watching the Yankees spank the Red
> Sox,
> and with every beer I ordered I was thinking "I absolutely cannot be
> hungover
> for work tomorrow ... too much to do." Instead of just, I don't know, NOT
> DRINKING, I ordered a few shots - got it on quickly - and went to bed
> "early"
> (in the 6th, when it was 10-6). A drunks solution to *that* problem,
> except I
> was hungover on Sunday. Obviously.
>
> So the merry-go-round, chaotic life I am choosing to lead continues. The
> anxiety is overwhelming, more so than ever before. The savings account is
> depleting all over again, yada yada yada ... you all know the drill.
>
> This has been ongoing for over a year now - and I come here telling myself
> I am
> looking for help, but I guess it's really a self-serving whine fest.
> Selfish
> boozebag that I am.
>
> "today. today is the day. don't drink, go to a meeting, get on your
> knees."
> Instead I say, "After the world series."
>
> It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
> drinking,
> just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone told me.
> Do I
> want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super independent
> Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
> realization
> that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want to
> NUMB,
> that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
>
> And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple. I'm
> an
> alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that simple.
>
> Blah blah blah blah blah ... and so on.
>
> So, as Blue moon pointed out a few weeks ago, being "outed" at work as an
> active alcoholic is NOT the worst of my problems, but at the time it
> certainly
> was something to hang on to.
>
> Here I go again. Thanks for being here.
>
> ~Christine
> GO SOXS!!!!!!!!

Believe it or not, I was just thinking about you this morning Christine!
Was wondering if your absence here meant what it most likely meant. Your
posts are more than welcome, and my postings here really did help me get off
the stuff -several times. No shame in having a relapse. Please just
remember things seem worse to you than they really are right now -that's
what alcohol does to keep you clinging to the bottle.

-Fred

christine,
we will be here when you decide to stop drinking and you want some
help...............if your lucky and live that long.
((((((((((((((((((christine))))))))))))))

--
" i warned him about this war. i had deep misgivings about this war.
mr. president, you had better prepare the american people for
casualties."
the president then told him, "Oh, no, we're not going to have any
casualties."
.................................................. rev.pat robinson
10-19-04



"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...
: while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop. I think about
the "real"
: people I know in the program, and I long for a cellphone - oh
yeah, I HAVE A
: CELLPHONE! I'm just crazy. The crazy thinking is getting worse
and worse, and
: my decisions are based on drinking and drinking alone. I skipped
over the line
: (one foot in and one foot out of AA). Everyone told me this was
the path I was
: headed down, but of course, I thought I was "different."
:
: Saturday night I was out at the bar, watching the Yankees spank
the Red Sox,
: and with every beer I ordered I was thinking "I absolutely cannot
be hungover
: for work tomorrow ... too much to do." Instead of just, I don't
know, NOT
: DRINKING, I ordered a few shots - got it on quickly - and went to
bed "early"
: (in the 6th, when it was 10-6). A drunks solution to *that*
problem, except I
: was hungover on Sunday. Obviously.
:
: So the merry-go-round, chaotic life I am choosing to lead
continues. The
: anxiety is overwhelming, more so than ever before. The savings
account is
: depleting all over again, yada yada yada ... you all know the
drill.
:
: This has been ongoing for over a year now - and I come here
telling myself I am
: looking for help, but I guess it's really a self-serving whine
fest. Selfish
: boozebag that I am.
:
: "today. today is the day. don't drink, go to a meeting, get on
your knees."
: Instead I say, "After the world series."
:
: It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
drinking,
: just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone
told me. Do I
: want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super
independent
: Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
realization
: that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want
to NUMB,
: that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
:
: And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's
simple. I'm an
: alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that
simple.
:
: Blah blah blah blah blah ... and so on.
:
: So, as Blue moon pointed out a few weeks ago, being "outed" at
work as an
: active alcoholic is NOT the worst of my problems, but at the time
it certainly
: was something to hang on to.
:
: Here I go again. Thanks for being here.
:
: ~Christine
: GO SOXS!!!!!!!!

"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...

> It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
drinking,
> just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone
told me. Do I
> want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super
independent
> Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
realization
> that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want
to NUMB,
> that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
>
> And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple.
I'm an
> alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that
simple.
>
> ~Christine

Nothing you've said suggests to me that you are yet willing to give up
drinking and to commit yourself to a programme of action that could
enable you to one day discover yourself with a life in which you do
not drink booze, that you know is infinitely better than the one you
have now. I would not mind being proved wrong.

JB

"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...
> while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop.

<snip>

> It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
drinking,
> just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone
told me. Do I
> want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super
independent
> Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
realization
> that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want
to NUMB,
> that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
>
> And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple.
I'm an
> alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that
simple.

<snip>

> ~Christine

Dear Christine,

I found this. Food for thought ?

"Let us never fear needed change. Certainly we have to discriminate
between changes for worse and changes for better. But once a need
becomes clearly apparent in an individual.............. it has long
since been found out that we cannot stand still and look the other
way.

The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better
and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever
responsibility this entails".

(Source: Grapevine, July 1965)

JB

"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...
> while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop. I think about the "real"
> people I know in the program, and I long for a cellphone - oh yeah, I HAVE
A
> CELLPHONE! I'm just crazy. The crazy thinking is getting worse and
worse, and
> my decisions are based on drinking and drinking alone. I skipped over the
line
> (one foot in and one foot out of AA). Everyone told me this was the path
I was
> headed down, but of course, I thought I was "different."
>
> Saturday night I was out at the bar, watching the Yankees spank the Red
Sox,
> and with every beer I ordered I was thinking "I absolutely cannot be
hungover
> for work tomorrow ... too much to do." Instead of just, I don't know, NOT
> DRINKING, I ordered a few shots - got it on quickly - and went to bed
"early"
> (in the 6th, when it was 10-6). A drunks solution to *that* problem,
except I
> was hungover on Sunday. Obviously.
>
> So the merry-go-round, chaotic life I am choosing to lead continues. The
> anxiety is overwhelming, more so than ever before. The savings account is
> depleting all over again, yada yada yada ... you all know the drill.
>
> This has been ongoing for over a year now - and I come here telling myself
I am
> looking for help, but I guess it's really a self-serving whine fest.
Selfish
> boozebag that I am.
>
> "today. today is the day. don't drink, go to a meeting, get on your
knees."
> Instead I say, "After the world series."
>
> It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
drinking,
> just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone told me.
Do I
> want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super independent
> Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
realization
> that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want to
NUMB,
> that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
>
> And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple. I'm
an
> alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that simple.
>
> Blah blah blah blah blah ... and so on.
>
> So, as Blue moon pointed out a few weeks ago, being "outed" at work as an
> active alcoholic is NOT the worst of my problems, but at the time it
certainly
> was something to hang on to.
>
> Here I go again. Thanks for being here.
>
> ~Christine
> GO SOXS!!!!!!!!
Christine
I hope you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope you stop
thinking about us and instead join us!
Peace
John

"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...
> while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop. I think about the "real"
> people I know in the program, and I long for a cellphone - oh yeah, I HAVE
A
> CELLPHONE! I'm just crazy. The crazy thinking is getting worse and
worse, and
> my decisions are based on drinking and drinking alone. I skipped over the
line
> (one foot in and one foot out of AA). Everyone told me this was the path
I was
> headed down, but of course, I thought I was "different."
>
> Saturday night I was out at the bar, watching the Yankees spank the Red
Sox,
> and with every beer I ordered I was thinking "I absolutely cannot be
hungover
> for work tomorrow ... too much to do." Instead of just, I don't know, NOT
> DRINKING, I ordered a few shots - got it on quickly - and went to bed
"early"
> (in the 6th, when it was 10-6). A drunks solution to *that* problem,
except I
> was hungover on Sunday. Obviously.
>
> So the merry-go-round, chaotic life I am choosing to lead continues. The
> anxiety is overwhelming, more so than ever before. The savings account is
> depleting all over again, yada yada yada ... you all know the drill.
>
> This has been ongoing for over a year now - and I come here telling myself
I am
> looking for help, but I guess it's really a self-serving whine fest.
Selfish
> boozebag that I am.
>
> "today. today is the day. don't drink, go to a meeting, get on your
knees."
> Instead I say, "After the world series."
>
> It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
drinking,
> just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone told me.
Do I
> want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super independent
> Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
realization
> that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want to
NUMB,
> that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
>
> And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple. I'm
an
> alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that simple.
>
> Blah blah blah blah blah ... and so on.
>
> So, as Blue moon pointed out a few weeks ago, being "outed" at work as an
> active alcoholic is NOT the worst of my problems, but at the time it
certainly
> was something to hang on to.
>
> Here I go again. Thanks for being here.
>
> ~Christine
> GO SOXS!!!!!!!!

Christine,

Oddly enough, I did not come here to stop drinking. I came to stop hurting
and I thought by doing this I might be able to get out of the trouble my
most recent train wreck had caused and was still causing.
I think getting sober was something that happened while I was busy trying to
feel better. I was willing to do whatever those alcoholics told me do if it
meant (a) I would feel better and (b) it might get me out of trouble. Well,
the truth today is that it did not get me out of trouble... that wreckage I
had to clean up myself .... but along the way, it got me sober instead...and
I guess I do feel better.

Whether or not you drink is up to you (at least the first one is...).
Whether or not we care about you is up to us. Some of us do care...about
you... Sometimes it's odd how that works... and I can't tell you why... just
that it does. Something about alcoholics I think. Maybe that's something
else that happened while I was busy -- I started caring. You know faith is
hope with a track record. So you don't have much faith today. nor much
hope it sounds like.... so I'll hope for you... I imagine others will
too... until you can hope some yourself. That how I did it... I just
borrowed some hope from somebody else, until I could get some of my own.

We'll be here later, so if you're feeling it, just give us a "hollar."
We'll care then too.

Bobby L

Hello Christine,
I think I am in about the same position as you. I thought I had quit 3 days
ago, but here I am again...on my second bottle of wine tonight. I didn't
buy beer, because I knew I wouldn't have been able to control that The
wine is bad, but not as bad as the beer would have been. Congratulations to
all those here who have been able to quit. I'm still possessed like you,
Christine.
Ian

"Christine" <ctbean3@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041022132456.06333.00001657@mb-m19.aol.com...
> while I'm out boozing and I wish I had a laptop. I think about the "real"
> people I know in the program, and I long for a cellphone - oh yeah, I HAVE
A
> CELLPHONE! I'm just crazy. The crazy thinking is getting worse and
worse, and
> my decisions are based on drinking and drinking alone. I skipped over the
line
> (one foot in and one foot out of AA). Everyone told me this was the path
I was
> headed down, but of course, I thought I was "different."
>
> Saturday night I was out at the bar, watching the Yankees spank the Red
Sox,
> and with every beer I ordered I was thinking "I absolutely cannot be
hungover
> for work tomorrow ... too much to do." Instead of just, I don't know, NOT
> DRINKING, I ordered a few shots - got it on quickly - and went to bed
"early"
> (in the 6th, when it was 10-6). A drunks solution to *that* problem,
except I
> was hungover on Sunday. Obviously.
>
> So the merry-go-round, chaotic life I am choosing to lead continues. The
> anxiety is overwhelming, more so than ever before. The savings account is
> depleting all over again, yada yada yada ... you all know the drill.
>
> This has been ongoing for over a year now - and I come here telling myself
I am
> looking for help, but I guess it's really a self-serving whine fest.
Selfish
> boozebag that I am.
>
> "today. today is the day. don't drink, go to a meeting, get on your
knees."
> Instead I say, "After the world series."
>
> It just gets worse, just like everyone told me. I can't manage my
drinking,
> just like everyone told me. It's not a game, just like everyone told me.
Do I
> want/need a baby-sitter? Yes. Is that possible? No. Super independent
> Christine that I pretend to be, is so incredibly dependent ... a
realization
> that puts a knot in my stomach, that I want to ignore, that I want to
NUMB,
> that I say FUCK IT, WHATEVER, WHO CARES, GET DRUNK.
>
> And there is so much more ... but there really isn't. It's simple. I'm
an
> alcoholic and I'm drinking. I've got to cut that out. It is that simple.
>
> Blah blah blah blah blah ... and so on.
>
> So, as Blue moon pointed out a few weeks ago, being "outed" at work as an
> active alcoholic is NOT the worst of my problems, but at the time it
certainly
> was something to hang on to.
>
> Here I go again. Thanks for being here.
>
> ~Christine
> GO SOXS!!!!!!!!