Nothing in life seems to give me pleasue, ok i go a run & enjoy the odd
chat, but the alcohol is always there in my mind & am wanting it, never in
mornings, but always after a run & before a meal.
My seperation from my girl is never going away, only getting worse, i miss
her, i dream of her & think of her always. I am with another, but can't
think of her in a way i should, as a boyfriend!
Each day i drink cos i need to & i don't care anymore, my life was sorted
with here & our plans, & now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no more, my
dreams of my past & my love for her.

Gary

"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:chso2r$4q1$1@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk
> Nothing in life seems to give me pleasue, ok i go a run & enjoy the odd
> chat, but the alcohol is always there in my mind & am wanting it, never in
> mornings, but always after a run & before a meal.
> My seperation from my girl is never going away, only getting worse, i miss
> her, i dream of her & think of her always. I am with another, but can't
> think of her in a way i should, as a boyfriend!
> Each day i drink cos i need to & i don't care anymore, my life was sorted
> with here & our plans, & now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
> alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no more,
> my
> dreams of my past & my love for her.
>
> Gary

Gary,
All of that sounds like echos of my own past, except that it was my
ex-wife and not my girlfriend. I have the scars from the single car
accident with no seatbelt (I had to get drunk enough to do it, of course) to
remind me of that part of the dues that I have paid.
It sounds so easy to say this but it is indispensable: The first thing
that you have to do is decide to stay alive.
If you don't do that, you can't recover. If you don't do that, your
life will be both shortened and blighted as long as it does exist.
Please try to go back to square one and start over. Believe a
survivor: life is still worth living.
Dan

"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:chso2r$4q1:
................... now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
: alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no
more, my
: dreams of my past & my love for her.
:
: Gary
:
:

gary,
your post reminds me of me before recovery and in some of my early
days of dryness......................
i hope you will get help from your doctor and be able to go back to
AA someday....................

When I went through that (for a longer time than I'm willing to disclose...)

I found that I was using her as my higher power... that is my identiy was
from being with her, without her, I felt I was nothing...

this was an emotional thing, intellectually I knew this didn't make sense

For a long time I thought I was doing Victim Behavior, then while working
on my website I came across a site that made distinctions between Victims
and Martyrs-

A vicitm usually doesn't know they're being taken advantage of, OR
thinks this is their lot in life, or that it's normal to self depracate.

A martyr, knows but doesn't care... Feeling bad was narcotic for me.

I seemed (on a non rational level) to enjoy feeling bad.

Hope that gives some people something to ponder...


--
David Bruce Jr
Baltimore Maryland
http://www.victimbehavior.com
Assign Blame and Keep Score-
that's what you're reduced to without functional boundaries
http://www.victimbehavior.com/dysfunctional/


"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:chso2r$4q1$1@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...
> Nothing in life seems to give me pleasue, ok i go a run & enjoy the odd
> chat, but the alcohol is always there in my mind & am wanting it, never in
> mornings, but always after a run & before a meal.
> My seperation from my girl is never going away, only getting worse, i miss
> her, i dream of her & think of her always. I am with another, but can't
> think of her in a way i should, as a boyfriend!
> Each day i drink cos i need to & i don't care anymore, my life was sorted
> with here & our plans, & now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
> alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no more,
my
> dreams of my past & my love for her.
>
> Gary
>
>


---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.760 / Virus Database: 509 - Release Date: 9/10/2004

Thanks all
i'm with a girl now that accepts, but doesnt like me
drinking, but she does but socially, unlike me, but she has kids that are 6
& 11 & they are enlightening, but at the end of the day i need my fix!
She says i can drink what i like & not have a problem(in general)as
long as i accept her kids, this is a good compromise i think!
We all have our vices, i run & have to , everyday!, if i don't i sweat &
feel my heart rate doesn't hit the spot & i can't feel well, then i drink &
feel relaxed, chilled & mellow. Next day i feel shit, not hung over, just
anxious, so i do my valium & then i can function again.! I guess i'm in a
rut, as most people are in their jobs, but as i'm on sick, i guess this is
my job!
Thsnks
Gary
David Bruce Jr <davidbrucejr@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:AYWdnQSQ6-n31d_cRVn-ow@comcast.com...
> When I went through that (for a longer time than I'm willing to
disclose...)
>
> I found that I was using her as my higher power... that is my identiy was
> from being with her, without her, I felt I was nothing...
>
> this was an emotional thing, intellectually I knew this didn't make sense
>
> For a long time I thought I was doing Victim Behavior, then while working
> on my website I came across a site that made distinctions between Victims
> and Martyrs-
>
> A vicitm usually doesn't know they're being taken advantage of, OR
> thinks this is their lot in life, or that it's normal to self depracate.
>
> A martyr, knows but doesn't care... Feeling bad was narcotic for me.
>
> I seemed (on a non rational level) to enjoy feeling bad.
>
> Hope that gives some people something to ponder...
>
>
> --
> David Bruce Jr
> Baltimore Maryland
> http://www.victimbehavior.com
> Assign Blame and Keep Score-
> that's what you're reduced to without functional boundaries
> http://www.victimbehavior.com/dysfunctional/
>
>
> "gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
> news:chso2r$4q1$1@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...
> > Nothing in life seems to give me pleasue, ok i go a run & enjoy the odd
> > chat, but the alcohol is always there in my mind & am wanting it, never
in
> > mornings, but always after a run & before a meal.
> > My seperation from my girl is never going away, only getting worse, i
miss
> > her, i dream of her & think of her always. I am with another, but can't
> > think of her in a way i should, as a boyfriend!
> > Each day i drink cos i need to & i don't care anymore, my life was
sorted
> > with here & our plans, & now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
> > alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no more,
> my
> > dreams of my past & my love for her.
> >
> > Gary
> >
> >
>
>
> ---
> Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
> Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
> Version: 6.0.760 / Virus Database: 509 - Release Date: 9/10/2004
>
>

"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ci2b9v$89t$1@news8.svr.pol.co.uk...
> Thanks all
> i'm with a girl now that accepts, but doesnt like me
> drinking, but she does but socially, unlike me, but she has kids that are
> 6
> & 11 & they are enlightening, but at the end of the day i need my fix!
> She says i can drink what i like & not have a problem(in general)as
> long as i accept her kids, this is a good compromise i think!
> We all have our vices, i run & have to , everyday!, if i don't i sweat &
> feel my heart rate doesn't hit the spot & i can't feel well, then i drink
> &
> feel relaxed, chilled & mellow. Next day i feel shit, not hung over, just
> anxious, so i do my valium & then i can function again.! I guess i'm in a
> rut, as most people are in their jobs, but as i'm on sick, i guess this is
> my job!
> Thsnks
> Gary

Friend,
I wouldn't even know where to begin to deal with the issues raised in
you post, but there would be no point anyway since you sound about 10,000
miles away from dealing with it. It is a shame, however, that between now
and the time you either crap out or get straight that you are unlikely to
set a really good example for those two kids.
Dan

"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ci2b9v$89t$1@news8.svr.pol.co.uk...
> Thanks all
> i'm with a girl now that accepts, but doesnt like me
> drinking, but she does but socially, unlike me, but she has kids that are
6
> & 11 & they are enlightening, but at the end of the day i need my fix!
> She says i can drink what i like & not have a problem(in general)as
> long as i accept her kids, this is a good compromise i think!
> We all have our vices, i run & have to , everyday!, if i don't i sweat &
> feel my heart rate doesn't hit the spot & i can't feel well, then i drink
&
> feel relaxed, chilled & mellow. Next day i feel shit, not hung over, just
> anxious, so i do my valium & then i can function again.! I guess i'm in a
> rut, as most people are in their jobs, but as i'm on sick, i guess this is
> my job!
> Thsnks
> Gary


Hey Gary - glad to hear you have it all in control. Just keep us posted
here on how this is all working out for you. It will help us more than you
can know or understand.

Bobby L

"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message news:<ci2b9v$89t$1@news8.svr.pol.co.uk>...
> Thanks all
> i'm with a girl now that accepts, but doesnt like me
> drinking, but she does but socially, unlike me, but she has kids that are 6
> & 11 & they are enlightening, but at the end of the day i need my fix!
> She says i can drink what i like & not have a problem(in general)as
> long as i accept her kids, this is a good compromise i think!
> We all have our vices, i run & have to , everyday!, if i don't i sweat &
> feel my heart rate doesn't hit the spot & i can't feel well, then i drink &
> feel relaxed, chilled & mellow. Next day i feel shit, not hung over, just
> anxious, so i do my valium & then i can function again.! I guess i'm in a
> rut, as most people are in their jobs, but as i'm on sick, i guess this is
> my job!
> Thsnks
> Gary


Gary, sounds like you're in a world o' hurt and your situation seems
to get more complex with each posting. I wish I had answers for you -
and I don't have - but I can tell you this from personal experience:
When *I* do not drink, my anxiety disappears.

There's a lot of talk about people who display alcohol use disorders
and simultaneous psychological, even psychiatric disorders. Some of
the talk concerns people drinking to 'self-medicate' their underlying
'conditions.'

It gets kinda like a 'chicken and egg' argument. Does Gary suffer from
anxiety (relieved by valium or - I'd bet - a bottle of wine if you
chose to) in the mornings because he's withdrawing from the alcohol he
used last night, or does Gary drink at nights because it's his only
release from the anxiety he's suffered all through the day?

Of course, I don't know the answer to that. But *you* can find out for
yourself - by simple experimentation. For example, if you ceased
drinking, you would learn the effect of abstinence on your anxiety.

You would then be able to say: "When I quit drinking my anxiety gets
worse (or better)" and build that into your treatment plan with these
professionals of yours.

And if, say, you found that you *couldn't* stop drinking, then you
could take that to the professionals and add that information to the
treatment plan.

If you are like me (and I'm not suggesting you are...) then that
morning anxiety is a result of alcohol withdrawal. I couldn't enjoy
the nightly booze without having to endure the rebound.

For me it became pleasure (or - more accurately - relief from
withdrawal) every evening, then the misery of withdrawal come the
morning. Eventually, that gets in the way of one's working life and -
well - most folks here know the rest of that...

Anyway, you're fortunate to have free and unfettered access to
professionals. I hope you make the most of them.

Good luck.

Cheggs

"gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:chso2r$4q1$1@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...
> Nothing in life seems to give me pleasue, ok i go a run & enjoy the odd
> chat, but the alcohol is always there in my mind & am wanting it, never in
> mornings, but always after a run & before a meal.
> My seperation from my girl is never going away, only getting worse, i miss
> her, i dream of her & think of her always. I am with another, but can't
> think of her in a way i should, as a boyfriend!
> Each day i drink cos i need to & i don't care anymore, my life was sorted
> with here & our plans, & now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
> alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no more,
> my
> dreams of my past & my love for her.
>
> Gary

Sounds a lot like me Gary, once upon a time. I tell you what, tho'. When I
stopped drinking, the selection of available women increased dramatically.
and I didn't need to settle for second best.
Having said that, however, after I stayed sober awhile, I began to
understand that women who were constantly on my mind were often involved in
the same addicted thought processes as any other of my addictions, and once
I got better, those particularwomen began to look less attractive to me
also. Especially if I happened to bump into them periodicaly, and began to
notice they hadn't changed and I had. Happened the other day, as a matter of
fact. Passed her in my brand new convertible, instead of the old beater I
used to drive. She was still in her dad's old car because she can't afford
one of her own. Seems shallow, I know, but she seemed a little pathetic
nevertheless.


Food for thought. Just don't drink today, just for today.

Cheggers
You hit the nail on the head, all you say is bang on!, i do
drink to self medicate & all the anxiety goes away, but i know that if i
didn't drink, i'd be better long term.
Problem is i'm addicted to drink & week as i may seem, i'm not ready to
quit!, a definate chicken & egg situation!
The anxiety i get during the day is brought on by my thoughts of my past,
this doesn't go away & is there all the time about my relationship break up
& what could've been, the fact that i hear nothing & i was hurt & lied to,
this is whya i drink also, because i feel pain & want to self harm myself,
maybe a cry out for attention, like if i died & she knew, she would feel
guilty!, sad, i know!

Stuart
My ex was not much of a drinker, yes a glass of wine with a meal, but
her dad was an alcoholic & maybe i reminded her of his past. The change in
voice, the stumbling, the smell on my breath etc & i know now that along
with anxiety/depression, it is the cause of her not being here with me now &
this hurts me to the core & the pain doesn't go away. If i told her i'd
stopped, she wouldn't answer me & this kills me. So if i stopped now, it'd
make no difference, only for me to think "why the hell didn't you do this
before, now it's too late".
Thanks
Gary
stuart <nospam@freds.com> wrote in message
news:SYH1d.7361$yW6.6760@clgrps12...
>
> "gary" <gary@marsden74.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
> news:chso2r$4q1$1@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...
> > Nothing in life seems to give me pleasue, ok i go a run & enjoy the odd
> > chat, but the alcohol is always there in my mind & am wanting it, never
in
> > mornings, but always after a run & before a meal.
> > My seperation from my girl is never going away, only getting worse, i
miss
> > her, i dream of her & think of her always. I am with another, but can't
> > think of her in a way i should, as a boyfriend!
> > Each day i drink cos i need to & i don't care anymore, my life was
sorted
> > with here & our plans, & now i just don't give a flying fuck if i die of
> > alcohol poisoning or whatever, at least all my thoughts will be no more,
> > my
> > dreams of my past & my love for her.
> >
> > Gary
>
> Sounds a lot like me Gary, once upon a time. I tell you what, tho'. When I
> stopped drinking, the selection of available women increased dramatically.
> and I didn't need to settle for second best.
> Having said that, however, after I stayed sober awhile, I began to
> understand that women who were constantly on my mind were often involved
in
> the same addicted thought processes as any other of my addictions, and
once
> I got better, those particularwomen began to look less attractive to me
> also. Especially if I happened to bump into them periodicaly, and began to
> notice they hadn't changed and I had. Happened the other day, as a matter
of
> fact. Passed her in my brand new convertible, instead of the old beater I
> used to drive. She was still in her dad's old car because she can't afford
> one of her own. Seems shallow, I know, but she seemed a little pathetic
> nevertheless.
>
>
> Food for thought. Just don't drink today, just for today.
>
>