Teens

Hello there all,

I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an alcoholic. I
can appreciate the fact that many teenagers go through a stage where they
like to drink a lot (I did) but I'm certain that now he has gone too far.
He even says that he NEEDS a drink, or drinks to make him feel good.
Problem is that his life is totally messed up. He has been in jail several
times - all alcohol related. He suffers with hereditary depression and uses
booze to deal with that as well. Usually it ends up having the reverse
effect.

I do not drink, nor do I suffer with depression so I cannot relate to this
problem. The only thing for sure is that he has become the focus of each
and every moment of my. In short, I'm a basket case. My husband and I have
3 other children. Our youngest is 8 and he has witnessed more distressing
situations than most children of his age should ever have to.

I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the house
before the rest of us end up needing help as well.

I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent and I figured that folks here
may understand.

thanks for reading this,

Run

"runandhide" <runandhide@rogers.com> wrote in
news:BIGcc.16663$Bk31.3960@twister01.bloor.is.net. cable.rogers.com:

> Hello there all,
>
> I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an
> alcoholic. I can appreciate the fact that many teenagers go through a
> stage where they like to drink a lot (I did) but I'm certain that now
> he has gone too far. He even says that he NEEDS a drink, or drinks to
> make him feel good. Problem is that his life is totally messed up. He
> has been in jail several times - all alcohol related. He suffers with
> hereditary depression and uses booze to deal with that as well.
> Usually it ends up having the reverse effect.
>
> I do not drink, nor do I suffer with depression so I cannot relate to
> this problem. The only thing for sure is that he has become the focus
> of each and every moment of my. In short, I'm a basket case. My
> husband and I have 3 other children. Our youngest is 8 and he has
> witnessed more distressing situations than most children of his age
> should ever have to.
>
> I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the
> house before the rest of us end up needing help as well.
>
> I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent and I figured that
> folks here may understand.
>
> thanks for reading this,
>
> Run
>
>
>

We have a saying around here. "Let the clown finish thier act." I know it's
not a pleasant thought, but nobody gets sober unless they want to. I hope
your son has an early entry into sobriety.

Jeff

--
Live simply so that others may simply live.

> The only thing for sure is that he has become the focus
>> of each and every moment of my. In short, I'm a basket case. My
>> husband and I have 3 other children. Our youngest is 8 and he has
>> witnessed more distressing situations than most children of his age
>> should ever have to.
>>
>> I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the
>> house before the rest of us end up needing help as well.
>>
>> I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent and I figured that
>> folks here may understand.
>>
>> thanks for reading this,
>>
>> Run
>>
>>
>>
>
>We have a saying around here. "Let the clown finish thier act." I know it's
>not a pleasant thought, but nobody gets sober unless they want to. I hope
>your son has an early entry into sobriety.

However, you are right to be thinking of yourself and the other members of your
family. You should really check out Alanon. You did not cause this in your
son, nor can you do anything about it. You can do something for yourself and
your family - set limits and boundaries with clear consequences (as in, there
will be no drunkenness in the house or you're out). It may seem harsh but you
have to look out for yourself, your home, your husband and other 3 children.
It seems to me from what you said you have given him more than enough
"chances". Contact a support group to help you with this struggle.

A man told me the other night one of the hardest realizations to deal with when
first becoming sober was the resentments his siblings had towards him. Why?
They felt he had taken their mother away from them because she worried and
focused so much on him and his alcoholism she lacked focus on them.

I am not saying you should turn your back completely on him. You can support
him without accepting his behavior. Jeff is right - he is going to have to
drink every drink until he wants help, if that day comes. That does not mean
you and your family have to drink those drinks with him.

I wish you the best, Run,
Seek support,
Christine

Teens?

Got pics?

On - Tue, Apr 6, 2004, 11:05pm (EDT+4) runandhide@rogers.com
(runandhide) wrote:

> He suffers with hereditary depression and uses
> booze to deal with that as well. Usually it ends up
> having the reverse effect.

> I do not drink, nor do I suffer with depression so I
> cannot relate to this problem.

The author below, lost her addicted and depressed teenage son to
suicide. If you're interested in reading her story, or books, here's an
excerpt:


"Good-bye Depression"
From "Alcoholism--The Biochemical Connection" by Joan Larson
http://www.trans4mind.com/nutrition/depression.html

"If you have been unsuccessfully battling depression, you are not alone.
At least 40 percent of all alcoholics in the United States are affected.
I say 'at least' because our Health Recovery Center study found that
almost two-thirds of our clients are depressed at entry. In fact, most
alcoholics I have treated suffered from some degree of depression."

"My search for an explanation for Rob's suicide led me to studies that
confirmed the connections between brain biochemistry and depression and
offered methods of repair that succeed far more reliably than any form
of talk therapy. I learned that there is no single biochemical glitch
that explains all depression. At my clinic, we treat seven different
sources of depression affecting alcoholics. In this article, you will
learn which of the seven may underlie your depression, (in some cases,
two or more may be to blame)."


Also:

"Seven Weeks to Sobriety"
http://www.alcoholism.cc/MainPage.html

The answer is simple, but it will be very painful for you.
--Tell him that he can not drink or drug if he wishes to stay in your home.
--Change the lock on your doors and don't give him a key.
--Go to Al-anon and listen to there advice.
--Make sure he knows that you will support his discussion to seek recovery
when he is ready.
--Throw him out if he breaks the rules.
I have been on both side of this problem and believe me you can NOT do
anything but take care of yourself and your other kids.
Many prayers for you and your loved ones,
Julie

"runandhide" <runandhide@rogers.com> wrote in message
news:BIGcc.16663$Bk31.3960@twister01.bloor.is.net. cable.rogers.com...
> Hello there all,
>
> I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an alcoholic. I
> can appreciate the fact that many teenagers go through a stage where they
> like to drink a lot (I did) but I'm certain that now he has gone too far.
> He even says that he NEEDS a drink, or drinks to make him feel good.
> Problem is that his life is totally messed up. He has been in jail
several
> times - all alcohol related. He suffers with hereditary depression and
uses
> booze to deal with that as well. Usually it ends up having the reverse
> effect.
>
> I do not drink, nor do I suffer with depression so I cannot relate to this
> problem. The only thing for sure is that he has become the focus of each
> and every moment of my. In short, I'm a basket case. My husband and I
have
> 3 other children. Our youngest is 8 and he has witnessed more distressing
> situations than most children of his age should ever have to.
>
> I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the house
> before the rest of us end up needing help as well.
>
> I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent and I figured that folks
here
> may understand.
>
> thanks for reading this,
>
> Run
>
>

On Tue, 06 Apr 2004 23:05:05 GMT, runandhide <runandhide@rogers.com> wrote:

> I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an alcoholic. I
> can appreciate the fact that many teenagers go through a stage where they
> like to drink a lot (I did) but I'm certain that now he has gone too far.
> He even says that he NEEDS a drink, or drinks to make him feel good.
> Problem is that his life is totally messed up. He has been in jail several
> times - all alcohol related. He suffers with hereditary depression and uses
> booze to deal with that as well. Usually it ends up having the reverse
> effect.

When I was that age, I drank to have fun. I kept drinking to have fun
for a long time. I would be lying if I said in retrospect that it
wasn't *really* fun, etc. Not 100% fun, plenty of bad stuff too, but it
wasn't all bad.

The badness had to reach a crescendo before I conceded that my drinking
was a problem. I'm sorta new to this gig, but I haven't heard anyone
yet say that one fine sunny day, when everthing was just swell, they
decided that they had a problem with alcohol.

After college, I let a friend of mine who got hooked on crack crash at
my place for several months. His parents had given him the boot. He
didn't have anyplace else to go. Did he quit during that time? Nope.
Was I a good person to put a roof over his head. I wish I knew. He did
eventually kick it. Last time I saw him, he was doing well. I don't
actually know what snapped him back.

I have a sister who's in and out of jail for selling drugs, petty theft,
etc. She lost her kids. She's been in and out of marriages that we
don't even know about until after the fact. Sometimes homeless. If
fixing people's problems only took wise words, then I sure as hell wish
someone would lay them out there. My family has resigned itself to the
"she needs to find her bottom" theory for some time now. We just keep
watching her sink. Ironic that I found my bottom on one of the upper
floors before she found hers.

Different people appear to have different bottoms. If your son hasn't
hit his yet, maybe providing a comfortable bed in a warm room isn't
helping. I'm a parent, but my kids are still little. I can't even
imagine turning them out. Tough stuff. Wish I was more insightful. Is
the bottoming out theory a good one? I really have no idea.

> I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the house
> before the rest of us end up needing help as well.

Maybe you could use help already. I don't really know anything about
al-anon, but it's out there. Wouldn't hurt to go sit and listen.

--
AB5DB9CC

: > I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an
alcoholic. I
: > can appreciate the fact that many teenagers go through a stage
where they
: > like to drink a lot (I did) but I'm certain that now he has gone
too far.


the very best thing you could do for you son, AND yourself, is to
seek some help for yourself with ALANON.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.

"runandhide" <runandhide@rogers.com> wrote in message
news:BIGcc.16663$Bk31.3960@twister01.bloor.is.net. cable.rogers.com...
> Hello there all,
>
> I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an
alcoholic.
<snip>
> I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the
house
> before the rest of us end up needing help as well.
>
> I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent and I figured that
folks here
> may understand.
>
> thanks for reading this,
>
> Run


Maybe you'll find what follows to be of some help.

JB

Helping Family Members with Addiction
Howard J. Shaffer, Ph.D.

Since I began working with addictive behaviors several decades ago,
the question people ask me most often concerns the drug and/or alcohol
use of a loved one. Some of the worried relatives ask what they can do
to stop another family member from drinking, gambling or using drugs.
Often they want to stop a relative from doing some combination of
these activities. Others want to share the hopelessness and despair
they experience when a family member acts out of control. These
questions reveal that the people most severely affected by drug abuse
and addictive behavior may not be the people who behave excessively.
The real victims of addiction are the people who live with someone
else's loss of control. This column will focus on the people who
surround someone struggling with addiction.

If you live with an adult who is having difficulties with excessive
behaviors, there three very important and straightforward things you
can do to help yourself. Unfortunately, these things do not guarantee
an immediate stop to the addictive behaviors, but nothing can do that.
First, don't worry about whether the person you love is really an
"alcoholic" or actually has "addiction." This concern will not help
either of you. It will tend to intellectualize the problem and keep
both of you from taking action. Instead, identify the behaviors that
bother you. Recognize the things that the person does that could be
harmful to you and take action to protect yourself. For example,
remember that you don't have to ride in a car when the person driving
is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Second, try to make new
friends and expand your circle of activities. Living with someone
whose main goal in life is to find and use drugs and alcohol can be
very lonely. Even when they're physically present, intoxicated people
are not usually present emotionally. It is very helpful to talk with
others about your situation.

Finally, social support groups break the silence and isolation that
accompany the addictive behavior of a loved one. There are self-help
groups available for you to help yourself. You have little power to
change the addictive behavior of the one you love unless you help
yourself first. When you seek help, loved ones usually follow. Don't
force them to participate in self-help groups or professional
treatment. Take care of yourself. When your loved one asks about what
happened at a meeting or treatment session or who said what to whom,
invite them to come to the next meeting or session so they can see for
themselves. Curiosity and self-interest usually seduces loved ones to
participate in the change process more often than coercion does.
Coercion will help some people and hurt others; we cannot distinguish
those that coercion will help from people it will hurt. Therefore, as
a method of engaging resistant people into treatment, I prefer
seduction to coercion. Al-Anon, Alateen, and Gam-Anon are
organizations for the relatives and friends of alcoholics, teenage
drinkers and gamblers respectively. In most parts of the United
States, these group meetings occur every night of the week. These
organizations are ready to help and easy to access. Professional care
also is available for help with the consequences of a loved one's
addictive behavior. Many relatives and friends of problem drinkers,
gamblers and drug abusers have been able to lead more happy and
peaceful lives by adopting ideas they got at support group meetings.
These principles can improve family life even when the problem drinker
doesn't stop. If you believe that you can make a person struggling
with addiction start or stop their excessive behavior, disappointment
likely is in your future. This is an unreasonable expectation. You
simply don't have that kind of power. When a person with addiction
begins to feel out of control about their own behavior, they often
blame the people who are most close to them for their problems.
Technically, this is a form of projection. This usually leads to
friends or relatives feeling responsible either to save or cure them.
Sometimes family members and loved ones feel guilty because they think
they caused the addiction.

It is a very difficult and lifelong lesson to learn, but with few
exceptions, people ultimately are responsible for their own behavior.
This is particularly true about getting help. No one person can cause
or cure another's addiction. Similarly, another family member's
addiction is not the cause of your problems. It may often seem that
they are causing your suffering-but it just isn't so. The key to
helping the person you love is to help yourself. As you begin to find
peace and order in your life, the person who is struggling against
their impulses and suffering with addiction will learn to adapt to
you. They will learn from your example. Drug abuse, compulsive
gambling, and eating disorders are baffling predicaments. They cause
immeasurable pain and suffering for those who engage in the behavior
as well as their family members. Research reveals that a significant
number of smokers, drinkers, heroin and cocaine abusers stop their
addiction as they mature. Unfortunately, maturity in these cases often
can mean that a person struggling with addictive behaviors must reach
their thirties or forties before they begin to gain control. Relatives
and friends can be most helpful in this process if they can remain
supportive and detached-detached from the person's destructive
behaviors and supportive of the person they love. Sadly, people do not
always overcome their addictive behavior patterns. Sometimes people
die prematurely from excessive behaviors. This is an unhappy, tragic
and difficult fact to accept, especially when addiction has adversely
influenced a close friend or relative. It is essential to remember
that one person's addiction need not ruin the lives of the people who
love them. You determine the quality of your life-not anyone else.

Dr. Howard Shaffer is an Associate Professor at Harvard Medical School
and is the Director of the Division on Addictions at Harvard Medical
School. Dr. Shaffer is licensed as a clinical psychologist in the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts and is certified by the National
Register of Health Care Providers in Psychology.

http://www.mtregis.com
Date Published: 12/8/2003

On Tue, 06 Apr 2004 23:05:05 GMT, "runandhide" <runandhide@rogers.com>
wrote:

>He even says that he NEEDS a drink, or drinks to make him feel good.
>Problem is that his life is totally messed up. He has been in jail several
>times - all alcohol related. He suffers with hereditary depression and uses
>booze to deal with that as well. Usually it ends up having the reverse
>effect.

I also "needed" a drink. Booze wasn't a problem, no matter how much
other people said it was. I needed to realise for myself that booze
was giving me a problem. In my case, I couldn't realise this for as
long as I had anyone else I could blame for the problems I used booze
to help resolve.

With hindsight, I realise that booze never was the problem. I spent a
long time trying to prevent or minimise the side-effects of drinking,
but my thinking was really the problem. But for as long as I was
using booze to anaesthetise self, I felt no need to address the issues
of self that I used booze to solve.

I also used boozed to self-medicate depression, Booze does have the
opposite effect to antidepressants because it's a depressant.
However, when I'd had a few drinks the feelings would go, so it seemed
to be offering relief. The real effect became apparent only after I
stopped drinking for a time - but I had to be sober some months before
I could comprehend that the booze was at least part of the cause.

Check out al-anon.

--
Blue Moon