It's another Tuesday, and no big surprise, I'm at a loss again. I'm trying to
find the common denominator to why I feel this way every Tuesday afternoon and
what I have come up with is 1) it's my day off, 2) I want to visit my
boyfriend.

I just can't keep putting so many miles on my car. It's such bad, freezing,
weather, and the wear and tear driving back and forth 40 plus miles is just too
much for my little shitbox '92 Toyota Corolla. He works the 9-5 M-F job, so is
not able to come down here on weekdays ... it's just the reality I see so
clearly being sober. I have to arrange a new Tuesday plan, at least until
spring. So, I'm going to try and put things together for my trip coming up
(I"m going on a cruise early Feb) and then I will go to a local meeting
tonight.

I'm also at a loss in general ... I had a great time with my boyfriend this
weekend. We talked open and honestly about or addictions as we are going
through a lot of the same things. However, I have the support of my group and
the friends I've made over the last three plus months ... he is not willing to
give AA a chance. He is dealing with his Alcoholism on his own, which isn't
working very well. Somewhere in his mind he thinks he will be able to drink
normally someday, yet, he confessed to having a bottle hidden in his bedroom.
How many social drinkers hide booze under the bed? Not many, I am sure. He is
also playing with the idea of going to rehab, which, I have mixed feelings
over. I'm not sure why. I guess I just feel it's a hard road to AA, or at
least a group setting with any other name. I'm feeling frustration that he
won't at least give AA a shot, since it has done wonders for me, and our
stories are so similar ... I do not force the issue with him. I tell him how
wonderful my meetings are, how my AWOL is going, about all the wonderful people
I meet, etc. He sees how happy I am, how wonderful my life is becoming ...
hopefully he sees the correlational between my sobriety and the help I receive
through AA.

.... And then there's the whole aspect of our relationship in general. It takes
a lot out of me, and I love him so much, but my sobriety is my main priority.
I toy with the idea of giving the relationship a break, but that isn't such a
great idea, as the sadness and loneliness could push me towards a drink ... my
sponsor tells me it is not wise to make any major decisions so early in
sobriety, I know she is right. I also want to be there for him with whatever
he chooses. I would love for this to just be the beginning of our life
together. I must just give it up to God. I need to remember to get down on my
knees in the morning and at night. It is something major I honestly only do
once or twice a week instead of daily. I do notice the difference.

Sigh. I'm all over the place here. I'm sure you can all see my confusion in
my words. Any words of wisdom is greatly appreciated ...

Thanks,
Christine