Hello again.
Here's my "story." It's rather long, so please feel free to skip it. Also,
please let me know if this post is inappropriate.

I've been a heavy drinker since I've turned 21 (I'm 41 now). I never drank
regularly in my 20s, but when I did drink, it was until I couldn't see
straight. I functioned well enough (excellent student and employee). In my
30s, I moved to another country where I worked as a barmaid. BIG mistake. I
continued to drink heavily, but more often, although I still functioned well
enough. I seem to have built up quite a tolerance. Since about six years
ago, except for the occasional day or weekend, I've been either buzzed or
drunk every night. For the past four years, it's mostly been either a six
pack of dark beer _or_ a bottle (most recently 1 3/4 bottles) of red wine a
night--every night, even worknights. Sometimes the 1 3/4 bottle wasn't
enough, and I'd hit the beer as well. Or spirits. Sometimes I wonder why I
haven't died in my sleep.

I've been lucky in that I've never blacked out, never had a medical
emergency (God knows how I've escaped that). I'm not a morning or afternoon
drinker (I did it in the evenings and put a heck of a lot away quickly). I
_have_ put myself in numerous risky, seriously dangerous situations that I'm
too ashamed and frightened to think about. I have alienated several people
because of my behavior when drunk.

I don't know if I've hit "rock bottom," but I'm sick and tired of waking up
with a hangover (no matter what degree of hangover it is). I am terrified of
losing my faculties. And I've finally realized that my drinking has
undermined my abilities to complete a degree I've been working on for the
past four years.

I've been able to mask my problem from doctors for all of this time. I began
seeing a therapist recently. Two weeks ago I just burst out and told her
about my average alcohol intake. Anyway, I saw an MD. He's put me on a
schedule of tapering off (since finished) alongside a (very) low dosage of
clorazapam (sp? oddly enough). I've been dry now for several days.

I think the meds have helped because outside of bouts of crying and/or
irritability I seem to have done okay. But I'm afraid of what might happen
in the next ten days or so. Seizures, DTs, etc. I'm also starting to want a
drink (I don't know if it's as strong as "crave" but that might just be
semantics). I'm also afraid because I keep finding sneaky little
justifications as to why I'm not an alcoholic--but I know I am.

I'm going to phone AA now.
Thanks for reading.
All the best.
mp