On Wed, 10 Oct 2007 11:26:26 -0000, skylashai@gmail.com wrote:

>I've been drinking for a while, about 16 years. God, is feels
>revolting just typing that, I never thought of it this way before.
>Anyway, I have this pattern that happens over and over. I am sober
>during the week, when I work, then on the weekends I binge. I'll
>drink a bunch, eat, go to sleep, wake up and start drinking again.
>Like clockwork.
> I have a great job, I'm a graphic designer. The thing is, I work 32
>hours per week and then do freelance on the side. It's so easy to
>drink while doing freelance work from home, like a little party. And
>since I have three days off in a row, even if I don't drink on what is
>my Friday night, I'll convince myself that I'm OK and that i can go
>ahead and drink the next day.
> I always know what the result will be. Misery. I do it anyway. My
>family knows about this, so does my doctor. A few years back I had go
>to the ER in an ambulance for delirium tremens after I tried to quit.
>At that point I had switched from beer to the so-called devil's rum.
>I mixed it with coke (the soft drink, not the drug), and to this day
>when I drink a straight coke I can almost smell the rum in it from the
>past, that's how bad I got. This was right after September 11 2001, I
>had not eaten in seven days, consumed nothing but rum. Needless to
>say, that day in the ER was, without question, the most horrific day
>of my life. I thought I was going to die and I was terrified. Blood
>tests and an EKG revealed no health problems. Lucky guy, right?
> I told my mom I was thinking about becoming a Christian. She said
>that was great, but I haven't been to church yet, although I have
>started reading the Bible. You know those little copies that people
>hand out at universities, I moved recently and found a really old one
>at the bottom of a box. I used to have great disdain for religion but
>for some reason, years ago, I kept that Bible. It's next to my bed
>now, sometimes I even take it with me to work. My mom once told me
>that if you turn your back on God he also turns his back on you and
>you become nothing. It's just silly mythology, right? As it turns
>out, those were the most true words ever spoken to me.
> I ceaselessly wonder how somebody who has control over everything
>else in life cannot say no to alcohol. I've told myself, week after
>week, I'm not going to sign online and talk to my friend, who is a
>great guy but another big drinker. And each Saturday, right at the
>very end, the phone rings and I say yes. And, like clockwork, I tell
>myself I'll only have a couple beers and go home and then, you already
>know this, it's only the start of another binge.
> I hate alcohol. I don't need it in my life, don't want it. My
>doctor told me I was self-medicating for mild anxiety. I read a lot
>and I know how dangerous it is, how it works, how insidious it is. I
>have tried AA twice and left very quickly. I decided I needed help
>but the people at AA were smoking, and around their babies. This was
>the most backwards thing I have ever seen aside from when I look into
>the mirror. People are trying to save themselves from alcoholism and
>they are smoking? The second time, somebody tried to arrange a
>sponsor for me. So, I'm speaking with this man on the phone, and you
>know, he was kind of a jerk. I never called him back. It just made
>me feel like I should not be trying to rely on somebody else to solve
>this for me. I know how bad it is and it's my responsibility to end
>it.
> Especially after the nightmare I experienced with DT, it is
>astonishing that I would even go near alcohol. I have considered
>stopping talking to my friend, whom I mentioned earlier, but I am
>afraid of hurting his feelings. We've known each other for 16 years,
>been best friends. Maybe it's no small coincidence that 16 years is
>also the time I have had a drinking problem. But I can't blame him or
>anybody else.
> The only solace I have found is in the last place I looked, which is
>in faith and God. I spent part of my evening last night reading the
>various posts on this group and the stories I read sound so familiar,
>it's eerie.
> Some people can have a drink now and then. I can't. I have applied
>to volunteer at a hospital, and told my mom I am available for her
>church when they go out and help people. I'm afraid that no matter
>what I do, this can come back and nail me at any given time. It's
>scary. I can be sober for over a year and I know I'll always be at
>risk. Both of my dad's parents died from it, which pretty clearly
>shows I am genetically predisposed to this affliction.
> Curse this disease. Thank you for listening.
>
I had more to worry about than smokers.

Good Luck
Daveb