I've been drinking for a while, about 16 years. God, is feels
revolting just typing that, I never thought of it this way before.
Anyway, I have this pattern that happens over and over. I am sober
during the week, when I work, then on the weekends I binge. I'll
drink a bunch, eat, go to sleep, wake up and start drinking again.
Like clockwork.
I have a great job, I'm a graphic designer. The thing is, I work 32
hours per week and then do freelance on the side. It's so easy to
drink while doing freelance work from home, like a little party. And
since I have three days off in a row, even if I don't drink on what is
my Friday night, I'll convince myself that I'm OK and that i can go
ahead and drink the next day.
I always know what the result will be. Misery. I do it anyway. My
family knows about this, so does my doctor. A few years back I had go
to the ER in an ambulance for delirium tremens after I tried to quit.
At that point I had switched from beer to the so-called devil's rum.
I mixed it with coke (the soft drink, not the drug), and to this day
when I drink a straight coke I can almost smell the rum in it from the
past, that's how bad I got. This was right after September 11 2001, I
had not eaten in seven days, consumed nothing but rum. Needless to
say, that day in the ER was, without question, the most horrific day
of my life. I thought I was going to die and I was terrified. Blood
tests and an EKG revealed no health problems. Lucky guy, right?
I told my mom I was thinking about becoming a Christian. She said
that was great, but I haven't been to church yet, although I have
started reading the Bible. You know those little copies that people
hand out at universities, I moved recently and found a really old one
at the bottom of a box. I used to have great disdain for religion but
for some reason, years ago, I kept that Bible. It's next to my bed
now, sometimes I even take it with me to work. My mom once told me
that if you turn your back on God he also turns his back on you and
you become nothing. It's just silly mythology, right? As it turns
out, those were the most true words ever spoken to me.
I ceaselessly wonder how somebody who has control over everything
else in life cannot say no to alcohol. I've told myself, week after
week, I'm not going to sign online and talk to my friend, who is a
great guy but another big drinker. And each Saturday, right at the
very end, the phone rings and I say yes. And, like clockwork, I tell
myself I'll only have a couple beers and go home and then, you already
know this, it's only the start of another binge.
I hate alcohol. I don't need it in my life, don't want it. My
doctor told me I was self-medicating for mild anxiety. I read a lot
and I know how dangerous it is, how it works, how insidious it is. I
have tried AA twice and left very quickly. I decided I needed help
but the people at AA were smoking, and around their babies. This was
the most backwards thing I have ever seen aside from when I look into
the mirror. People are trying to save themselves from alcoholism and
they are smoking? The second time, somebody tried to arrange a
sponsor for me. So, I'm speaking with this man on the phone, and you
know, he was kind of a jerk. I never called him back. It just made
me feel like I should not be trying to rely on somebody else to solve
this for me. I know how bad it is and it's my responsibility to end
it.
Especially after the nightmare I experienced with DT, it is
astonishing that I would even go near alcohol. I have considered
stopping talking to my friend, whom I mentioned earlier, but I am
afraid of hurting his feelings. We've known each other for 16 years,
been best friends. Maybe it's no small coincidence that 16 years is
also the time I have had a drinking problem. But I can't blame him or
anybody else.
The only solace I have found is in the last place I looked, which is
in faith and God. I spent part of my evening last night reading the
various posts on this group and the stories I read sound so familiar,
it's eerie.
Some people can have a drink now and then. I can't. I have applied
to volunteer at a hospital, and told my mom I am available for her
church when they go out and help people. I'm afraid that no matter
what I do, this can come back and nail me at any given time. It's
scary. I can be sober for over a year and I know I'll always be at
risk. Both of my dad's parents died from it, which pretty clearly
shows I am genetically predisposed to this affliction.
Curse this disease. Thank you for listening.