On May 13, 6:08 am, "Nino Barlini" <nos...@earthlink.net> wrote:
> I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. When I first met
> her, I knew she liked to party and drink but didn't think much of it. After
> about six months I started to question her drinking habits and after a year
> I think she might be in the early stages of having a problem.
>
> Here are some of the things that I notice and that make me worry the most:
>
> Once she starts drinking, she can't stop, even if she just goes out to have
> one or two.
>
> When she drinks, she just becomes a different person and turns into a
> monster, big time verbally and physically abusive. The smallest things set
> her off, and she has torn my clothes and broken my stuff as a result.
>
> All her friends are heavy drinkers, and she never does anything that normal
> girls do, like shopping or movies, just gets drunk with her friends.
>
> I think she craves alcohol. Says stuff like "I can't wait to get drunk
> tomorrow" or "I'm really in the mood to get drunk right now" and stuff along
> those lines.
>
> Drinks alone, like if she has a bad day.
>
> Drinks to the point where she can't remember what happened during part of
> the night, drinks and drives (has an underage drinking and driving ticket)
> and is generally irresponsible while drunk.
>
> Seems like drinking is always on her mind and she just waits for a chance to
> get drunk.
>
> I tried to talk to her about it tonight and hopefully make her realize that
> she had a problem. Denial and excuses of course. Her excuse is that she
> doesn't drink all the time, maybe just a few times a month now (maybe once a
> week when we first met?). But I tried to explain that it doesn't matter how
> often, just how you behave when you do. Am I correct, and how bad do you
> think she is for a girl in her early twenties?
>
> I really want to help her. She's a wonderful person when she doesn't drink,
> and I don't want to sit around and watch her throw her life away. I
> understand that it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want to help
> themselves, but there must at least be a place to start. I'd appreciate any
> advice I can get.

Here are questions that I would consider: 1. Does she drink even
when she says she won't? 2. Does it interfere with her life and her
ability to live it? These are the two issues that one considers when
'getting honest' about whether they are an addict/alcoholic -
powerlessness and unmanageability. If either or both answers are YES,
then she probably has a problem.

The issue, in the end, is not about drinking. It's about who she
is being with and without drinking (or using or gambling or
whatever). [I will use the word addict because it describes a larger
yet homogenous population which includes those addicted to alcohol,
gambling, drugs, sex, etc...]. In essence, an addict is anyone who
tries to change something on the inside with something from the
outside. There is a hidden component in that definition: usually
they are not just trying to change something, they are trying to fix
it - thus the feeling of being broken or not good enough is a common
theme of those who suffer this disease.

It is important to get that it is a disease. It is not her
fault. She can't stop. From what you said, she can't stop thinking
about it (obsession) and she acts out regularly on those thoughts
(compulsion). She has lost her connection with her innate worth and
value, which is really a loss of her spiritual self. That is what the
Narcotics Anonymous literature defines as an addict.

How can you help? Well, honestly, you are powerless over her
choices. And this disease will make your life unmanageable too,
through her, if you let it. Addiction is a disease that has a HUGE
impact on those we love.

So what do you do? You can do an intervention. There are plenty
of great resources for that - and maybe she will go to treatment and
into recovery. (you can email me for more info if you are interested)

Beyond that, here's what has been my experience, as a recovering
addict who has family members still caught in the grips of the
disease: transformation of the world begins with me. As I am
transformed, as I create myself as cause in my own life, I become the
space for others to do the same. The 12-steps totally apply to you
too - You are powerless over her drinking and your life is becoming
unmanageable. Only a power greater than yourself can relieve the
insanity of her disease... I don't generally give advice. Because my
decision-making skills racked up 24 years of active addiction. Here
are your options as I see them - accept her for who she is being and
is not being and stay with her OR accept her for who she is being and
is not being and leave. Why do you have to accept who she is being?
Because you are powerless over her. Because not to do so will create
inner unmanageabiltiy - conflict and resistence - for you. Because it
is not who she is, it is only who she is being. Because you matter
and you make a difference in the world - by creating peace, love,
acceptance in your life, you have created more peace, love, acceptance
in the world. It begins with you. There is nothing that you can do
that will overcome what she will not do. If she does not want
treatment, if she won't even try, you have an obligation to create
your life as you would have it. That does not mean give up on her as
a person. But perhaps as your mate for right now.