On Sun, 13 May 2007 10:08:55 GMT, "Nino Barlini"
<nospam@earthlink.net> wrote:


>I really want to help her. She's a wonderful person when she doesn't drink,
>and I don't want to sit around and watch her throw her life away. I
>understand that it's very hard to help someone who doesn't want to help
>themselves, but there must at least be a place to start. I'd appreciate any
>advice I can get.

Nino, oh I know the pain, frustration, anger, and confusion you're
feeling all to well. My name is Kim, and I am NOT an alcoholic. I am
married to one, however, and grew up with alcoholic parents.

I am not going to go deeply into the details of the last two years of
life with my alcoholic spouse, just give you the bare bones: a little
over two years ago, he hit what I thought was bottom. His drinking
was out of control, he was drunk most of the time, getting money by
giving blood or pawning things because I gave him none.

One night he woke me up saying he had just taken an overdose of all
his medications in addition to drinking as much booze as possible and
that he'd be dead soon. I tried calling 911 but he attacked me to
prevent me from making the call. I was able to get the call through,
and he was taken away. Blood alcohol level of .43; he should have
been dead.

Thus began a two year ride with through "the system": he was put into
treatment, then had to leave due to our insurance coverage, he came
home & began drinking again. I threw him out, he went to stay with a
drinking buddy, tried to kill himself again, got committed by the
county, and for all of 2006 was in mental health wards in hospitals,
treatment centers, halfway houses, or here at home. But no matter
what help was offered to him, no matter how much support and love I,
along with his family and friends offered to him, no matter what, HE
RETURNED TO THE BOOZE EVERYTIME! He is a drunk, plain and simple, and
nothing anyone else said or did made any difference.

THERE IS NO PLACE YOU CAN START TO HELP YOUR GIRLFRIEND GET SOBER.
None, zip, zero. I am being brutally honest here. After 20 years of
living with my spouse, in addition to the years of growing up with
drunks everywhere, I have finally learned this. A drunk can ONLY GET
SOBER WHEN THEY WANT TO.

That is the simple truth. The alcoholics in this group who are in
recovery will tell you this as well. Well, I am confirming it for you
from the perspective you are coming from, as a concerned and loving
person who is in love with an alcoholic.

You can do nothing to help your girlfriend stop drinking. In fact,
the best thing you can do for her is to stop pestering her about it
and let her live her life. Let her drink and face the consequences of
her drinking, which might mean losing you. Alcoholics have told me
the best thing that happened to them is when the people around them
stopped shielding them from the consequences of their drinking,
stopped saving them, stopping "helping" them, and let them go on alone
to face the music. Only when an alcoholic hits bottom AND make the
choice to seek help to get sober do they have any chance at getting
and staying sober.

I know it is hard to hear this. I know it is hard not to want to
help, to do something, say something, make demands, etc. I sometimes
still do it, despite years of trying to unlearn this behavior.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting, there you will meet people like us. People
who have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic and who need help
dealing with that fact. Do not go expecting them to tell you how to
help the alcoholic in your life; they won't. What they will do is
teach you how to face life with alcoholism in a loved one and how you
can take care of yourself.

That is all you can do.


Kim/Dreamspinner3
Parrot Nannies of Minnesota Inc:
http://parrotnanniesmn.com/
Personal Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/