"Today, I am an alcoholic. Tomorrow will be no different. My alcoholism
lives within me now and forever. I must never forget what I am. Alcohol
will surely kill me if I fail to recognise and acknowledge my disease
on a daily basis. I am not playing a game in
which loss is a temporary setback. I am dealing with my disease, for
which there is no cure, only daily acceptance and vigilance" - Daily
Reflections, page 252 .

Hello, Some of you already know me, For those who don't, my name is
Sheenah. I am an alcoholic. I made my first attempt to quit drinking in
the early 1990's. At this first attempt, my drinking had brought me to
thinking my life no longer worth living. Night after night I would sit
slumped on the floor in a darkened room in my house, sobbing my heart
out, with a bottle of booze, all the anti-depressants that my doctor had
for weeks been prescribing me (which I had stopped taking because I'd
decided they didn't work) and a knife pressed against my wrist.

Having decided to go on living, I followed my doctor's advice to join
AA. At the end of the first meeting that I went to, someone said
something to me that made me very angry. As a result, there and then, I
decided that I wanted nothing more to do with those sanctimonious
folk and stormed out of the room vowing never to go again to an AA
meeting. At the same time, I decided that if I was going to overcome
my" drinking problem" only I would be able to do this. I had this idea
because I believed that no-one from whom I had previously sought help to
overcome my drinking, had given me anything that worked. I have come to
know that it wasn't their fault that what they did for me didn't work
:^)

After stopping drinking, by using willpower alone I was able to continue
not drinking for almost 8 years. Often during this period, it was
difficult for me not to drink. At such times I'd be restless, irritable,
short-tempered, depressed and unable to concentrate on anything other
than the thought that I must not drink. During those years I learnt
nothing about alcoholism. Nor, did I come to think that in order to
overcome my drinking problem, I needed to do more than just not drink
:^)

I decided to start drinking again after almost 8 years because I "knew"
(haha) that the length of time I had been "sober" had proved that I was
able to control my drinking "when I wanted to". Therefore, I was
convinced that if I drank again, I'd find it easy to always be able to
decide when to drink and when to stop. When I started drinking again,
straight away, I had no control over it.

When I started drinking again, I planned for my first night back to have
only one glass of wine I began the evening with a large coffee mug of
wine. When I went eventually to bed, I had drunk the best part of a full
bottle of wine. I made a vow to not drink the next day. I
broke that vow.

Soon, my daily drinking was making me both mentally and physically ill.
So I went to my doctor. I told him about my drinking and that I knew
that I ought to stop. For several months I often told myself that I had
to stop drinking while continuing to drink every day.

Today, I have been not drinking for just over two years. In this time, I
have come to know the value of AA information. That which I have taken
on board has enabled me to understand why I cannot stay in control of my
drinking and to come to know what I need to do in order to be able to
stay off the booze and to have a life that is for me so much better for
me than my past life.

Today, I am grateful to be an alcoholic. I am grateful to be an
alcoholic who finds that AA has been working for her :^)

Sent with hopes that for us all today will be a day of joyful sobriety.

Sheenah