"JB" <JBCatRB@coldman.com> wrote in message
news:c517dd$gv2$1@newsg4.svr.pol.co.uk...
>
> "runandhide" <runandhide@rogers.com> wrote in message
> news:BIGcc.16663$Bk31.3960@twister01.bloor.is.net. cable.rogers.com...
> > Hello there all,
> >
> > I'm a mother of an 18 year old "boy" who I'm convinced is an
> alcoholic.
> <snip>
> > I want to help my son but I fear I will have to put him out of the
> house
> > before the rest of us end up needing help as well.
> >
> > I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent and I figured that
> folks here
> > may understand.
> >
> > thanks for reading this,
> >
> > Run
>
>
> Maybe you'll find what follows to be of some help.
>
> JB
>
> Helping Family Members with Addiction
> Howard J. Shaffer, Ph.D.
>
> Since I began working with addictive behaviors several decades ago,
> the question people ask me most often concerns the drug and/or alcohol
> use of a loved one. Some of the worried relatives ask what they can do
> to stop another family member from drinking, gambling or using drugs.
> Often they want to stop a relative from doing some combination of
> these activities. Others want to share the hopelessness and despair
> they experience when a family member acts out of control. These
> questions reveal that the people most severely affected by drug abuse
> and addictive behavior may not be the people who behave excessively.
> The real victims of addiction are the people who live with someone
> else's loss of control. This column will focus on the people who
> surround someone struggling with addiction.
>
> If you live with an adult who is having difficulties with excessive
> behaviors, there three very important and straightforward things you
> can do to help yourself. Unfortunately, these things do not guarantee
> an immediate stop to the addictive behaviors, but nothing can do that.
> First, don't worry about whether the person you love is really an
> "alcoholic" or actually has "addiction." This concern will not help
> either of you. It will tend to intellectualize the problem and keep
> both of you from taking action. Instead, identify the behaviors that
> bother you. Recognize the things that the person does that could be
> harmful to you and take action to protect yourself. For example,
> remember that you don't have to ride in a car when the person driving
> is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Second, try to make new
> friends and expand your circle of activities. Living with someone
> whose main goal in life is to find and use drugs and alcohol can be
> very lonely. Even when they're physically present, intoxicated people
> are not usually present emotionally. It is very helpful to talk with
> others about your situation.
>
> Finally, social support groups break the silence and isolation that
> accompany the addictive behavior of a loved one. There are self-help
> groups available for you to help yourself. You have little power to
> change the addictive behavior of the one you love unless you help
> yourself first. When you seek help, loved ones usually follow. Don't
> force them to participate in self-help groups or professional
> treatment. Take care of yourself. When your loved one asks about what
> happened at a meeting or treatment session or who said what to whom,
> invite them to come to the next meeting or session so they can see for
> themselves. Curiosity and self-interest usually seduces loved ones to
> participate in the change process more often than coercion does.
> Coercion will help some people and hurt others; we cannot distinguish
> those that coercion will help from people it will hurt. Therefore, as
> a method of engaging resistant people into treatment, I prefer
> seduction to coercion. Al-Anon, Alateen, and Gam-Anon are
> organizations for the relatives and friends of alcoholics, teenage
> drinkers and gamblers respectively. In most parts of the United
> States, these group meetings occur every night of the week. These
> organizations are ready to help and easy to access. Professional care
> also is available for help with the consequences of a loved one's
> addictive behavior. Many relatives and friends of problem drinkers,
> gamblers and drug abusers have been able to lead more happy and
> peaceful lives by adopting ideas they got at support group meetings.
> These principles can improve family life even when the problem drinker
> doesn't stop. If you believe that you can make a person struggling
> with addiction start or stop their excessive behavior, disappointment
> likely is in your future. This is an unreasonable expectation. You
> simply don't have that kind of power. When a person with addiction
> begins to feel out of control about their own behavior, they often
> blame the people who are most close to them for their problems.
> Technically, this is a form of projection. This usually leads to
> friends or relatives feeling responsible either to save or cure them.
> Sometimes family members and loved ones feel guilty because they think
> they caused the addiction.
>
> It is a very difficult and lifelong lesson to learn, but with few
> exceptions, people ultimately are responsible for their own behavior.
> This is particularly true about getting help. No one person can cause
> or cure another's addiction. Similarly, another family member's
> addiction is not the cause of your problems. It may often seem that
> they are causing your suffering-but it just isn't so. The key to
> helping the person you love is to help yourself. As you begin to find
> peace and order in your life, the person who is struggling against
> their impulses and suffering with addiction will learn to adapt to
> you. They will learn from your example. Drug abuse, compulsive
> gambling, and eating disorders are baffling predicaments. They cause
> immeasurable pain and suffering for those who engage in the behavior
> as well as their family members. Research reveals that a significant
> number of smokers, drinkers, heroin and cocaine abusers stop their
> addiction as they mature. Unfortunately, maturity in these cases often
> can mean that a person struggling with addictive behaviors must reach
> their thirties or forties before they begin to gain control. Relatives
> and friends can be most helpful in this process if they can remain
> supportive and detached-detached from the person's destructive
> behaviors and supportive of the person they love. Sadly, people do not
> always overcome their addictive behavior patterns. Sometimes people
> die prematurely from excessive behaviors. This is an unhappy, tragic
> and difficult fact to accept, especially when addiction has adversely
> influenced a close friend or relative.
>
The following is the main thrust of Al-anon and they have plenty of
experience to help you do this.
Dr. Howard Shaffer said, "It is essential to remember
that one person's addiction need not ruin the lives of the people who
love them. You determine the quality of your life-not anyone else."
Dont just read this do it!
Julie
>
> Dr. Howard Shaffer is an Associate Professor at Harvard Medical School
> and is the Director of the Division on Addictions at Harvard Medical
> School. Dr. Shaffer is licensed as a clinical psychologist in the
> Commonwealth of Massachusetts and is certified by the National
> Register of Health Care Providers in Psychology.
>
> http://www.mtregis.com
> Date Published: 12/8/2003
>
>